An Interesting Discussion on Same-Sex Marriage

     I follow an account on Twitter, @homophobes. They re-tweet offensive statements about gays. I read one such tweet about same-sex marriage that didn't seem as offensive as most others. This girl's statement was that she didn't think same sex couples should get married in religious institutions, and that she knew that she could only speak for herself. I responded to her with a question about whether she was ok with legal civil unions, to which she said she was fine. Had I really meet someone on the internet who understood "separation of church and state"?! I thanked her for indulging me, and thought the interaction was over.
     Several weeks later, I get a message from a gentleman challenging me that "civil unions are not marriages." We continued to go back and forth for multiple days trying to express or views. I was increasingly frustrated by Twitter's 140 character limit. We were sending two- and three-part messages debating the difference between "unions" and "marriages". Eventually, I had to put the conversation on hold. I was screaming at a person I didn't know, and couldn't even see. Our common language was preventing us from communicating clearly. This post is, hopefully, going to help.
     The loudest, most frequent argument against same-sex marriage is that the Bible says it's wrong. I've read some interesting views regarding homosexuality and religion, but let's table that for now. People argue that "marriage" is a religious institution. Nowadays, straight couples get married in a church, and it also creates a legal bond.. I may be wrong, but it's my understanding that this stems from the days when governments were irrevocably tired to the Church. I have spoken to people who do not object to same-sex couples having the same legal rights of marriage, as long as their church didn't have to perform the services.
     In my previous encounter, back in October, I used the word "union" to describe the legal status. I was relying on the concept of " multiple made one" with the intent that it would include ANY couple. I wanted to take religion out of the conversation, and discuss the idea as a legal concept, rather than a religious one. When I was married, we went to the courthouse, because we didn't want to be wed in a church we didn't believe in. As such, I considered marriage" to be a "legal union".
     Just because I used to be married to a man doesn't mean I am not fully invested in this fight. My next love may just as easily be a woman. My roommates are all men who prefer the company of other men. What happens when they want the same advantages I used to have? My aunt was denied access to her wife's bedside after surgery, because their relationship had no legal standing.
     I honestly believe my country would be well served to use a different term than "marriage" for any couple. This would remove the risk of trying to create a separate but equal situation, which history shows is not truly equal.
     If the gentleman from Twitter reads this, I hope you can see that we really do want the same thing. We were just stumbling over a misunderstanding of vocabulary. I was trying to avoid the word "marriage" because of its religious undertones. You are fighting FOR the same word because of its place in the common lexicon. I know I have difficulty expressing complex thoughts without getting confusing. Does this do any good at trying to explain my viewpoint any better?

Just my $0.02 on "religious" businesses

     I've been reading a lot of posts on Facebook about religiously affiliated businesses that are fighting the mandate to provide health insurance to all employees. They say it is because they don't believe in allowing employees access to contraceptives and the "morning after" pill. They have the right to believe whatever their religion teaches, but that does not give them the right to tell other businesses how to operate.
     I won't go into the government mandate. That is a separate conversation, that I'm STILL not sure what I think about. BUT, I know how I feel about access to oral contraceptive medication. There were several times in my life where my doctors put me on birth control, not to avoid pregnancy, but because I had other medical conditions that the hormones were necessary to control. I won't lie about enjoying the benefits of birth control a time or two, but there was also the time I had been trying to get pregnant, but my long-term health was more important to me than a chance of becoming a parent. I know there are other women who have to face this choice. Or, like another woman I know, know that pregnancy will likely mean a death sentence. Should they be forced to reject am important part of a committed, relationship when there are other options available?
     I don't think it's fair for these companies to attempt to dictate how their employees should live when they are not at work. This is one of the many reasons I will continue to choose not to spend my money with businesses who clam to be "Christian companies". I won't name who they are, because those who know which stores I mean don't need to be told. And while I don't care for these companies, I respect then enough not to speak poorly of them in a public forum.
     Thank you for listening to my rant. I just got a little frustrated when my Facebook feed was once again full of posts about this...again...

I don't know what's going on

     I don't know how I ended up where I am lately. I'm back into this ugly funk, where I feel like no one wants to be around me. I know this isn't really true. It's just... People around me have their own personal lives, and I'm still used to sometime who demanded I spend every minute with them. Last night, I had several bad dreams about people telling me to go away. They ranged from me being a child, and hearing "This is grown-up stuff, go play," to being myself and having friends point and laugh while I say in a corner away from everyone else.
     I just can't seem to shake this. Even though I know the truth is merely that I live on a different schedule from the rest of the world. But would it change if I could get off of night shift? I don't like these feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them anymore. And I don't know how to tell this to the people who are around me.
     All it took to set me off this time was a situation involving some friends, but not me. I was having a good time hanging out, until they needed to discuss their problem. I was very politely asked to give then the necessary privacy, but I still went from having social contact, to being trapped by myself again. A few minutes turned into the entire night and hours of bad dreams.
     Now it's early in the morning. Everyone else is doing their thing, such as sleeping. I'm watching TV and debating whether to go out for breakfast by myself

Now what?

     It's been a rough week for me. I had a close friend tell me an unpleasant truth. It took me a few days to smut that she was right. It's left me quite shaken.
     For a while, I've started feeling like I was losing control of my life. My natural inclination is to respond by trying to control as much of the world around me as I can. Unfortunately, this only resulted in my becoming a ragey, controlling bitch toward the people I live with. And none of them would tell me, because I do have a tendency to get angry very quickly. I don't want to be that person anymore than I want to be the emotional doormat I used to be.
     I guess it's time to re-evaluate what I'm feeling, and how it is affecting my actions. The problem with that is, I'm still in such a depressed funk that I an overreacting to everything. The worst of which being this continued feeling of isolation I can't seem to shake. I know the normal solution would be to get out of the house and be among people, but it just isn't that simple for me.
    I'm not going any further down this rabbithole... I'm going to go back to my knitting. It may not be a good as being around people, but at least I know I'll see the people I'm making gifts for, eventually...

What I did all week

     Realizing that I wanted to get a head-start on giftmas preens has been one if the better decisions I've made in quite a while. The near constant knitting is doing me more good than anything else lately. I see myself finishing projects with increasing speed, and gain so much pride out of seeing each completed object. Because I keep my hands busy, I've found I don't want to smoke as frequently.
     I took a break from knitting because I was looking for someplace to move after CNFH. Then I had to move and unpack. I got lazy, because I had a huge attack of perfectly good reasons why I couldn't knit. So I didn't even try.
     I'm trying to be a good girl and use up as much of my stash yarn as I can, for multiple reasons. I have two totes full of yarn that have no intended purpose. So far, I've managed to use up a few balls of yarn! More importantly, I'd managed to forget how pleasantly relaxing it is to just sit and talk our watch TV with my sticks clicking away, project quietly growing in my lap...
     This weekend, I made it to the yarn store to get yarn for some presents. I'm just starting on my gift fora certain dragon. I won't talk about it, because I know she reds this blog!
     I'd probably have more to say, but I'm going to get back to playing with my string!

Knitting machine

     So, I crossed the two-mile mark on my knitmeter. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I'm working on another scarf out of my stash yarn. Of the three I've finished, only two are actually intended for specific recipients. The pink "feather" scarf was just a fun idea to make, although I have no clue who is going to end up with it.
     Today's new project is a scarf out of the purple loopy yarn I got at the fabric fair this past spring. I had intended to make team scarves for the lupus walk, but they didn't work out the way I'd planned. It would take too much yarn to make one scarf, so I wouldn't have enough for a team. I'm sure this will find a home among someone on my gift list.
     My gift list... Ah, there's something I'll never learn to control. It started out with eight people on it. It's already almost doubled, and I know I'll find more people that I have to make presents for. And I'd be willing to bet that over half of them won't be planning to have gifts in exchange. It's not that I'm upset about that, it's just... I make gifts for people out of love, not greed. But there will always be a greedy child inside me who wants awesome presents back!
     Oh well... I'm writing this on the break room at work. I'm supposed to be knitting, not talking about it. I think I'll get back to what I told myself to do tonight.

A ray of hope

     This wallow in self-pity has to stop. So I'm going to post something positive.
     I own two pairs of jeans. One is lighter blue, and is very comfortable. I wear the heck out of this pair. The other is a darker indigo color. They look awesome, and I love that they aren't as baggy as most jeans in my size. But they're just a little snug, so I don't west them as often. But I wore my dark jeans to work last night, because I needed a change. And they fit!
     I don't know what words can describe how stupidly happy I was when I realized that my pants weren't pinching at my waist. I don't know what I'm doing to lose weight, but I hope I keep doing it! I know my value isn't tied to my weight, and I've been this size for about five years, but I'm sick of being this large.

     It took me a year to fit into a size 22 comfortably. I'm going to try to be in a size 20 by spring. My ultimate goal (since 2000) has between to get back to a size 16. It would be nice to buy clothes that aren't plus-sized.
     It's the week where I eat the crap I have in the cupboard, but I get paid on Friday, and I have a new grocery list app on my phone. So now I write up a menu and shopping list that I can't forget. Emotional setbacks aside, I'm still moving forward. Just a little slower sometimes.

The self-loathing continues

     I'm disgusted with myself. When I was in high school, I lived at least a half hour from all of my friends. I didn't get to hang out like a normal teenager. Weekends were spent at home. I watched TV or read a book, and was happy. I lived on my own. When I didn't have a roommate, there were many times I'd go days without seeing anyone. I was sick in bed for a week without any outside communication, and didn't care. Now, I fall into a bottomless pit of despair if I go two days without having someone to hang out with.
     I was mad at myself for feeling lonely, so I didn't most of last week in a mass of rage. So this weekend, I decided to let myself actually be sad about it. That resulted in my crying for almost two hours. That merely resulted in me getting a massive headache. So I accepted an invitation to go out with Roomie C. I had a panic attack and made everyone leave early. (I won't believe they wanted to go too.)
     I hate this. I don't feel any better today. I've tried ignoring the sadness. I've tried cheering myself up. I tried embracing my emotions. I don't feel like myself yet. The longer this lasts, the manner the little voice in my head gets. People tell me things will get better in time, but when? In the meanwhile, my little voice is explaining that no one wants to be around me because I'm unpleasant and moody.
     Fuck that little voice! All it does of make things worse. I don't want to think about why people don't like me. I don't want to feel like I should push my friends away before they start to hate me. Something has to change soon.

I don't like it here

     I cried today. The first time in a long while. I hate this bottomless pit I've been trapped in for so long. I don't know what to do about it, or even what I want anymore.
     It feels like no one notices my suffering. When I see one of my friends is upset, I sometimes have to restrain myself from pestering them till they smile. But I feel like I have to hide from them. I don't want to turn up my music to hide the sound of me crying. I want someone to ask me what's wrong, to actually care about my answer, to let me cry on them.
     Of course, I don't dare seek someone out. I've put too much effort into being the one who will always be ok. But I haven't been that person for a long time. I allowed myself to believe my own lie, and I don't know how to function anymore.

All by myself

Do you ever fell alone in a crowd? Even when surrounded by the people you call friends? I feel that way all too often. I don't know why. There is just something inside me that won't let me believe that they really want to be around me. I don't know when this really started.
I never had a lot of friends growing up. When I joined any kind of club out group, I always found myselfon the fringes of everything. Nothing I could do would get me into the "inner circles." Even in adulthood, I've found a wonderful group of people, buy there is always that little voice inside that tells me they only tolerate me because of who I know, or that they only want something from me. It's a terrible feeling. It doesn't help that I had someone on my life that told me I was merely tolerated, and that these weren't really "my" friends. I've come to know differently, but it's hard to believe sometimes. That little voice just won't let me.
I don't like feeling so alone and emotionally isolated. I'm afraid to tell people when something is bothering me. I'm convinced that if I reveal how hurt and scared I am, the few friends I have will vanish. So I suffer in silence. I try to enjoy being around my social circle, but I know I'm holding large portions of myself hidden. I wear a mask that is confident and capable, when I am anything but.

Busy and a little insane

     Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know I said I'd be posting more regularly, but the computer was in an inconvenient spot, and I've been focusing my energy on trying to get the house together. I want to get the whole first floor put together so we can have a housewarming party. Also, it's hard for me to get around the house this week, thanks to my recent disagreement with gravity.

     It was Tuesday morning, 3:30 am, when I got up from my nap during lunch and was on my way back to work when BAM! I was face-down on the floor of the break room. I didn't trip on anything. There was nothing I was trying to avoid. My ankle just decided it didn't want to work for me anymore and quit. So I limped back to my desk, and went back to work, ignoring the fact that I fell. Half an hour later, the pain was worse, not better, so I let my supervisor call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. It was just like I thought, a simple sprain. The doctor told me to stay off my foot, and gave me crutches and an excuse to return to work on Sunday. I know I kept saying I needed an actual vacation, but this was not what I meant!

     I don't even know what I want to talk about today... I just woke up this morning, realizing I hadn't posted anything in longer than was reasonable. So...yeah... I'm here. I'm alive, and still in one piece. I'll try to sort out things to say and hopefully resume weekly Friday postings.

Home at WTF

     It's been a while since I was able to post on here. Much has happened, and I'll have to find my list of things to talk about before I can remember everything I wanted to say. But I have moved into the new house, and the unpacking is happening, slowly but surely...
     I have wanted to have a house for so long. It's been years since I decided I was tired of apartment living, but I couldn't afford to rent a house on my own, and being the sole income... Well, it just wasn't going to happen. But now that I have roommates, things are different. I am still living with Roomie C, but the rest of the roomies are new. Joe will be staying with us till the end of this month, then it will only be residents of WTF (use your imagination). We all have such plans for making this a comfy, cozy home for all of us. We have been discussing decorating and household rules for the last week. I still don't know how things are going to work out, but I have high hopes.
     As excited as I am about moving into my new home, this move was very stressful for me. I spent two weeks trying to get everything packed, but Roomie C had trouble remembering to bring home enough boxes. And even though I started packing early, the boys waited till the last minute, and didn't want to help me. By that point, they were worried about being able to pack their own stuff. Then, I stayed up all night/day on Wednesday helping the new roommates move in. By Thursday, I was exhausted, and emotionally drained. I quit. I told the buys that if they didn't pack up the kitchen, I was leaving it all behind. I cried all day Thursday, and half of Friday. At least, I wasn't an emotional wreck by Saturday. At that point, my body was giving out on me. I could barely walk, my feet and legs were so swollen that I was losing feeling in my toes. I was ecstatic to be able to sleep in my own bed again, instead of on the floor or someone else's bed. Being able to elevate my feet has helped so much. I can walk again and am starting to carry my boxes upstairs to my bedroom. I can't wait to get my dresser up there, next, so that I can unpack my clothes into it.
     Oh well... I shoudl go out to wait for my lunch to arrive, then get back to trying to figure out where everything should go! I'll post more soon-ish!

Checking in, before checking out

     I know I did not post last week. And I will probably need to take a brief hiatus from my blog. I have finally found a house, and we are moving at the end of this month. So I need to focus my attention on getting everything packed up, and making the new house into a home.

     Home.... That's something I miss having. And with a new set of roommates who all want a similar concept, it might actually be manageable. Things at CNFH haven't been very pretty for the last few weeks, and I foresee them getting worse before the end. But I'll save that story for a later date, when feelings aren't quite so tender. I knew this was going to be a temporary living space, but I came in with certain expectations and hopes. Now, things have been turned upside-down yet again. 

     On the other hand, I am seeing the people I call "friends" a little more clearly than I used to. I see who cares about those around them. I see who tries to help others, and who expects everyone to take care of them. I am going to try to keep the caring people in my life, and let the selfish ones go.

     So. My new house! We're going to name it WTF. Because we can. It will maintain the same motto as CNFH, "Where the hell are my pants?" And I'm going to fill it with handicrafts! I'm knitting a bathmat for one of the two full bathrooms. Then I plan to crochet a rug for my bedroom. Who knows, Maybe I'll pick up some cheap fabric of some sort, and see about making some for the public rooms, too! And I'm going to look at the smaller windows to see where I can put the rainbow curtains Granny made me. Do you think rainbows belong in a house inhabited by all less-than-straight people?

     And then, after we get everything set up all nice, and we've had our housewarming party, I'm going to start hosting the PA Furry Crafters' Guild meetings. Because all of the furries I know who like to craft, also like to do so around like-minded people. That way, we can show off our stuff, as well as be supported, inspired, and assisted by each other.

     My mind is wandering again. I'm going to post this, then get back to doing "important stuff" around the house. Two more days till the packing begins. I'm so stupid-excited. I can't wait to move. I feel like I'm moving into my first apartment all over again...

Musings over rum...

     OMG, I forgot to post something this week! Probably because nothing very interesting has really happened. It has been an exceptionally dull week. And I'll apologize now for the typos that I will not be correcting. I'm switting up with Roomie C having a few drinks, and my fingers are not cooperating at the moment.

     I am trying to apply for a second shift position at work. I'm willing to make the small pay sacrifice in the hopes of having better sleep and hopefully, an improved social life!

     We found a third person who wants to move in with us in September, so Roomie C and I are now looking for a 3 bedroom place, rather than a 2 bedroom.

     I have a new knitting project to make for Anthrocon, and I'll discuss that further at another time. But I'll need stitch markers for it. So I'm learning to make them myself rather than buying a set. I've already hit my first speed-bump, as the split rings I bought won't "split" (think teeny keyrings) so I have to put the clasp directly on the head pin. It sorks, but is not as pretty as it should be. I'll do better on the next set.

     I bought a new booze glass at Spencer's today when we went to the mall to pester the kitty-duck while she was at work. It's a larger version of the shotglass I couldn't justify buying. 

     I need to not ramble when I'm drunk. And I need more rum. What do you want me to discuss next time I have nothing to say? Good night.

Anthrocon 2012 in review

     This year at Anthrocon was another raging success in my book. They just seem to get better every year. I've never written one of these "con reports" so you'll just have to bear with me as I muddle through it, like everything else I do!
     This year, I had the good sense to take an extra long vacation around the convention. I was able to join other members of the Art Show crew for a late dinner on Wednesday, before all the business of running part of the convention started. It was nice to be able to catch up with those I hadn't seen in a year, as well as meet a few other team members that I hadn't been able to meet last year. I had all day Wednesday to do my last-minute packing. I was able to get to the hotel on Thursday without all the stress of the years before. This probably had more to do with not having to deal with the annoyance of my ex who liked waiting till the last second, then rushing. Roomie P and I had less baggage as two women with a fursuit, than I did for Blaze and myself. We thought about how we were getting our baggage to and from the convention, and worked to keep everything compact. I am very proud of the fact that it only took three people to easily carry everything three blocks from where we parked the rental car to the hotel.
     At the Westin, we had no trouble getting up to out room. It was just as nice as we were used to after the last two years staying there. The only hiccup with our room was my fault, and the affected party was very gracious about it. I'll explain that part when I get there. I got checked in with ConOps, then headed out with Sage to socialize on our way to Art Show setup. Unfortunately, two things went horribly wrong on Thursday. We had left Sage's Art Show submission at home, and I had to send Joran on a mission to retrieve them from home. Also, I discovered that for the rest of the convention, I couldn't go anywhere without getting distracted three times along the way. While Sage was hitting the headless zone to cool off, I was supposed to follow her, but I ran into some friends who wanted to chat. We went out for a smoke, but I didn't have time to pick Sage up on the way before I had to check in with Petercat and the rest of the Art Show staff for some refresher training on the cash registers. Thankfully, that was resolved quickly after Sage had physically cooled off enough to understand what happened. Overheated fursuiters are not reasonable beings. Their brains are boiling too much to think reasonably. I need not to let that happen again. The rest of Thursday passed rather uneventfully.
     Friday was moderately insane, but it was the good kind of insane. I worked all morning, and half of the afternoon, but I did get some time to run to the State store to buy some Tullamore Dew, because I had gotten invited to my first room-party. That was an experience I hope to repeat! I had a chance to sit down and hang out with people I would never have met otherwise, thereby feeling more important than I really am. But busy cheetahs (I mean, leopards) don't get to hang out much at cons they help run, and rapping tigers are wild drunks! Afterwards, when I went outside for a cigarette, I ran into a dragon dressed up as a mermaid! So I got to smoke with her, finally! Eventually, I stumbled back to my hotel room, along with Roomie C, who had enough and I didn't feel safe letting him walk back to his hotel alone. That little hiccup? I made him sleep in my bed, forcing Joran onto the floor because queen-sized beds don't comfortably sleep three. At least, I hope I was truly forgiven and that she didn't just say so to make me feel better.
     Saturday was a little bit calmer, and that was good, because hangovers suck! I worked two short shifts, then barely made it to the PA Furries panel that Sage was running. It was amazing to see so many people make it to that. I got to meet a few people that I talk to from the website. It's nice to be able to put a face to the names in the chat window. After that, I took the kittyduck out for a few drinks, had a pleasant dinner with some friends, and tried going to the drum circle, but it was getting late, and I was tired by 11:30.
     Sunday is still a blur to me. I worked the entire day at the Art Show. I got to man the "wall" as we closed the bidding. It's a good time, watching the bidding wars at the last few minutes. Then came the cash-out time. It went on forever! Followed by trying to help with tear-down. I wish I could have helped more, but my feet were swelling so bad, I could barely walk. I didn't even make it to the Shore Leave party. *sigh*
    In review, the good: I had a blast. I got to go to a party and meet awesome people. I helped make this one of the best Anthrocons yet. The bad: I didn't get to hang out with as many people as I wanted to. One of the drawbacks of being staff is that you spend your time allowing everyone else to have more fun than you. The future: I will stay on the staff for as long as they'll have me. I will continue to let everyone else have more fun than me. I enjoy hearing how much they are enjoying the con.

Busy time!

     It's that time! Last week was "Pride in the Street", where I got to see Melissa Etheridge perform live! I've never been to a pride event before, and I had no clue what to expect. I certainly wasn't expecting a perfectly normal street concert. But that's what I got. And that's what I certainly enjoyed. I got to see my aunt for the first time (other than funerals) in years. I finally got to meet her wife. I got to go out in public wearing as many rainbows as I could fit on my body. I can only think of a handful of times where I've had as much fun, that I am not afraid to admit to my parents!

     Another one of those amazingly fun times is coming up this weekend, Anthrocon. I love my furries. There is something magical about gathering 4500+ of us in one place. I can't wait till it's time to go help set up. 

     Today is full of business. I already ran to the store to buy last-minute toiletries to pack. I got my purple hair color and am waiting for someone to come and help me with it. And of all people, I invited Blaze and his new girlfriend to come down and hang out! Of course, she's the one who is going to help me with the hair dye, so... Yes. I am prone to bad decision-making. Your point? This is going to help keep my day interesting.

     Besides, it'll be nice to actually spend some social time with him for the first time since I left. We got married because we enjoyed each others' company. I have honestly missed the good times we had before the fighting became so all-encompassing. And I do, fortunately, have an enforceable time-limit. I have to leave between 4:30 and 5pm to meet Roomie P at work so we can head down to the hotel, and check in with ConOps. Then we have a few hours to hang out with everyone before meeting up with the Art Show staff for a late dinner. Tomorrow I have to do the last-second double-check-that-I-packed-everything before we check into the hotel for the next five nights! Oh what an adventure this is going to be!

     I'm so antsy and anxious and ready to bolt out of my skin.... I wait for Anthrocon all year long. It's so close, but not yet...

It was a hot, sumer night...

     It's going to be a busy weekend. I'm probably not going to have time to update on my usual day. So I'm going to go ahead and do this early! Friday, I have some shopping to do to get ready for my convention. Saturday is Pride in the Street, and I get to see Melissa Etheridge. Then, I have Anthrocon the following weekend, complete with last-minute freak-outs and mental check-outs.

     Also, this Saturday is International Yarn-bombing Day, so I am working on a top-secret knitting project to "bomb" somewhere downtown. My Ravelry group's KAL for this month is "travel projects" and I will be working on the Loopy Lupie scarves to wear when we do the Lupus walk in September. That counts as "travel" because I'm taking it with me to Anthrocon to work on during whatever down-time I manage to have.

     I was listening to music at work last night, and a song came on that made me remember a random night, and how I failed to take a chance. So, once upon a time...

The nostalgia trap

     I was sitting at my kitchen table by myself this morning, having a cup of coffee. It brought back memories of once upon a time ago, when I moved into my first apartment alone. I remember how empowered I felt. I was living on my own, working at a good job. Everything in the world was ahead of me. There was nothing I enjoyed more at that point than sitting at my own kitchen table and just thinking about where I had been, and where I was going.
     Fast forward a few years. New table. New coffee pot. New kitchen. Still thinking. Ten years after I started living alone, a lot has happened, so I have a lot more to think about. No longer does the morning coffee revolve around what to make for dinner, or who I am hanging out with the next weekend. Morning coffee is now a time to relax after work. It's a time to remember. Plans are now about what to buy at the grocery store, and serious concerns about where I'm going to live after August.
     It was bittersweet to realize that I was doing the same thing in a different place. I used to wonder if I'd ever meet someone I'd want to spend my life with. Now, I mourn the end of having someone to be with. So much has changed, yet so much is still the same. I feel like I have moved backwards. It's very hard to see a positive future right now. I've emailed so many landlords about houses, but none have gotten back to me. I'm purposely single, but I feel like something is wrong with me, that I can't romantically attract anyone.
     Maybe this is just a horrible combination of the wet weather, and being left alone in my apartment. I'm sure I'll feel better once Roomie P's birthday party gets started!

Warm fuzzies of the week

     I really don't have much to talk about this week. Things seem to be going rather well at CNFH. Roomie P and Roomie C are able to at least play nice. We had some good friends over last night, and we all sat in the kitchen, having a few drinks and being silly. It was such a relief to see them acting like the friends they were when we all moved in together. I have been searching for a place to move later this summer with Roomie C. I've emailed a few landlords, and I hope something eventually pans out...
     I feel like life has entered something of a "holding pattern" lately. So I decided it was time to make something new happen. This has started me wanting to knit jewelry. Don't look at me in that tone of voice. It makes perfect sense. It all started when I wanted a string bracelet, but didn't want the same old "friendship bracelet" so I decided to take all the colors I wanted, and just made a variegated I-cord bracelet. I still need to get to the store to buy a clasp, but I'm happy with how it turned out. This sent me to my library. I pulled out my book of patterns for knitted borders. Yes! Several of them look like they'd make amazing necklaces. So now I'm making a lovely, lacy choker. I think I know who I'm giving it to when I'm done, since I don't wear chokers.

      There are several other patterns I can't wait to try making into necklaces. I found some I want to use that would look amazing with some beadwork. I think I need to get some different colors of crochet thread and perhaps some smaller DPNs. I keep starting new hobbies, and then I run out of time. I can't wait till I can get my own house someday. I've already decided I'm going to learn to spin and dye my own yarn. I also want to learn to weave and get better at sewing. My poor roommate has no clue what he agreed to when he said he wanted to live with me!

Knit till I find my Wit

     I don't know what to talk about today. Wendy is in the hospital again. She can't even tell me why, other than some symptoms. I'm going to assume it has to do with her lupus. I hate this disease. It may have brought us together in a way nothing else could, but it's robbing me of the time I want to spend with her. I can't talk to her on the phone when she's at one of her eleventy-seven doctor's office visits every month. With her in the hospital, I can't even chat with her online. I can't bring her home to visit, because travel aggravates flares. She can't go to furry events to meet all my wonderful furry friends, because large groups breed illnesses that will make her sick. I can't go to visit her, because I am poor and barely able to support myself as it is. Airfare and time off work are a bit much for me just yet.

     You may or may not know, but May is Lupus Awareness Month, and I promised I would wear purple every day this month. Only one or two people from work have asked about the purple bandanna I've been wearing everyday, and no one else. I feel like I'm failing at raising awareness, and failing my sister.

     I feel like I'm spiralling out of control. Like I've lost any sense of purpose in life. I'm doing a good job of not feeling the need to take care of everyone around me. I take time to think about myself every day. I do need more of a social life, but I need to figure out how to manage that while keeping my third-shift job that pays pretty decent money. I'm having hell trying to juggle friendships in such a way that I am not neglecting one friend just to prove that I value someone else. It hurts me to be torn in this way. I feel guilty for wanting to do anything on my weekends, because I'm certain to upset someone. And I never know who I'm going to offend with every decision I make.

     So I try to entertain myself. Keep my hands busy enough that my mind doesn't realize it isn't occupied. I have three projects in the works so far. My Rainbow Headband:

My Coral Kerchief:

And my Random Baby Blanket:

     I finished my Midsummer Night's Shawl and really need to convince someone to take a pic of me holding it up. It will look so much more awesome that way, rather than just spread out on the bed. Getting back to the knitting after even a short break is helping me to calm down and find my center. But at the same time, it's starting to feel like work and I never wanted that for my knitting. The head-coverings are still giving me pride of accomplishment, but when I needed to knit up a "washcloth" on short notice, something that needed about two hours of concentration took me two weeks!

    Like I said. I just don't know. I'm going to head back to my bed soon, prop up my feet, and get to work on my kerchief. If I can get the pattern to settle down and behave, I intend to make something similar for Hazy. But hers will probably be on larger needles, and might be even more lacy! At least that will give me something else to try and have done by the end of this month. I just wish I had a clue how much yardage I was using so I could enter these kerchiefs into my Knit-meter...  

What friends mean to me

     For a few months, I have wanted to write a blog post about friendship. I don't know where to start. There are so many amazing quotes I have found about friendship, ranging from funny to inspirational. I could list a few of those. I could talk about my friends, and what they have meant to me. I could rattle on about definitions and types of friendships. I'm going to try to focus on what it means to me when I call someone friend. Yes, this will be even more incoherent than usual. I quit trying too hard. It's more important that I get my thoughts out than anything else.
     I realize that people use the word "friend" rather freely. It can mean anything from more-than-acquaintance to a person who is as close as family. But if I refer to someone as a Friend, I am referring to the latter. Friends are my family-by-choice. These are the people I try to spend my time with. These are the people I share my deepest feelings with. A Friend is someone whose feelings are as important to me as my own. In college, I defined a friend as being like a hug: warm, comforting, something you can lean on.
     When I was younger, I used to bemoan the fact that I did not have a lot of friends. I wasn't one of the popular kids. Fortunately, I was not alone. And the friends I did have were more dearly valued for it. By not having dozens of people I called friend, I had the time to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships. As I grew to adulthood, I parted company with many of my childhood friends while making new ones. But the people that have been there through the changes in my life... They hold a special place in my heart. Those are the ones who I can reminisce with. They know my crazy moods and how to handle me.
     As I get older, I'm less concerned with having to find new friends. People will come in and out of my life for as long as they need to be there. Some touch that special place in my heart, and I know they will be here for a long time. These Friends are the ones that make me the person I am.
     When a Friend is having trouble, it's my instinct to try to help them. Often, it's just listening to their problems, but I enjoy being able to do anything to make their life more pleasant. I enjoy doing little things to make my Friends smile, from making a surprise Easter basket to making a pot of coffee. When I can, I like giving small knitted stuff to my friends, or take them out to dinner. I will defend my Friends, with everything I have, if they are being wronged. But I don't support blindly. If I know a Friend is wrong, I will tell them. I will try to do so in private if at all possible, but if necessary, I will call a friend out in whatever manner is needed. And I will defend a Friend whenever that is needed, also. Even if they are not around at the time. I don't let people tell un truths about my friends.
     I guess it comes down to me being the kind of friend I want my friends to be toward me: loyal, generous, considerate, honest...As I grow older and less dependent on my family-by-birth, I rely more on those who I have made my family-by-choice, and I strive to be as good, and fair, to them as I can be, because they are that important to me.
     I don't know. I've rattled on about this for about a week. I've lost any ability to be coherent. This is what you get from me when I spend too much time on something. It's the best I can do, the same as I'd give any friend.

Not neglecting to post

     Yes. I have been drinking tonight. I'll worry about fixing spelling and typing errors when I'm more coherent. I didn't make my Friday blog post like I wanted to. But I have an excuse! I have spent the last week wrestling with making words happen to express an idea that I have wanted to address for some time. But the words just don't want to cooperate. 

     So instead, I spent Friday hanging out with roomies C and J. It's been months since we just spent time together because we could. We had a nice dinner, then did our damnedest to drink a bottle of rum and a bottle of vodka. I guess we'll have to finish them either Saturday, or next week. Because the boys already went to bed at 5am!

     There was a furmeet today in Oakland. It was fun. There were a lot of people I didn't even know. But I finally got around to introducing myself to an fur I've been talking to on Twitter, so now he knows who is messaging him! I also got to give a brief description of Furry to the owner of The O. It made me feel old to somehow become a de facto spokesperson when out with other furries, but I know that my representation is one of the more un-sensational and is often repeated by others who see its positive reactions.

     I give up. It's 5:30 am and I'm drunk enough that my eyes are crossing and I think I'm about to pass out at the computer. I'll get a real post up eventually. I promise. And no more rum until I do!

Don't hide your scars

     This thought has been rolling around in my head for a week, ever since a conversation I had with a friend about her physical scars. She was talking about her internal debate over whether or not to cover them with tattoos. But the same thought can apply to emotional scars, as well. We all have them. Some people hide them, while others wear them proudly as a badge of honor.

     Think about it. Everything in your past made you who you are. A scar is a reminder that you survived something. There was a cut or wound so deep, so severe, that your body couldn't heal easily, and now you have a permanent reminder. Bad decisions lead to mistakes, the consequences of which can last a lifetime. But no matter what happens, every experience shapes your life.

     I have a scar on my forehead from the time I fell off a pair of platform shoes. It needed stitches. It was horrible when it happened. I was seven years old. But I learned that candy will still be there if I take my time. There is no need to rush for things that are not that important. I have a scar across my index finger that I got when slicing a bagel I was holding in my hand. I learned that kitchen knives are sharp. Sometimes I see these scars and remember the pain I felt, and see them ad victories. I didn't die from the massive blood loss. I have surgical scars. I survived extreme pain. Every mark left on your body is a reminder of something that happened. They are once upon a times that allow you to tell your stories.

     And then there are emotional scars. These are deeper and more painful, as well as harder for people to see. These are the failed relationships, the harsh words that were said, the hateful things that have been done to you. These are hearing your parents scream at each other when you are too young to understand that it's not your fault. These are the memories of a funeral for someone who died before you could say good-bye. These are the friendships shattered by anger-fueled words uttered without thought.

     Your scars are the lasting pieces of the things that made you who you are today. You can hide them, cover them up, or have surgery to eliminate them. But you can't escape from your past. If you could undo your mistakes, would you still learn from them? Think of the many ways that scars allow you to connect to another human being. I remember asking a former lover where he got each scar I found on his body. It was an amazing way to get to know the little moments in a person's past, allowing them to remember things they don't often think about.
     I know I keep repeating about how your scars are what made you. But the thought just won't settle down in my mind. Every mark on my body, every personality quirk I've developed as reaction to something, these are who I am. If I am to love myself, I need to love all of me, not just the "pretty" parts. I'm trying. Sometimes it's hard, because sometimes the scars still ache. But that's why I write this.
     I hope my friend decides not to cover her scars. I know why they are there. They show the strength she has to survive what put them there. They are part of what make her a beautiful person. And so do mine. So do yours.

     Today's knitting update: I haven't been doing much. I've gotten some work done on P's Tarot Bag. I worked perhaps ten rows on the Random Baby Blanket. Stress at home has kept me from wanting to play with yarn. I'm afraid I'll take my aggression out on projects that are supposed to be made with love. I don't want to talk about that right now.

Running with it anyway

     As I said in the last post, I have become very interested in head covering. I still don't know why I feel compelled to do this, but rather than stew over the why, I decided to listen to the little voice in my head, and just go with it. The reason will show itself eventually. But on day three, I'm excited to see what will happen.

     I made my decision on Saturday.  And only an hour before a friend picked me up to go out. When I told the friends I was out with what I was doing, I got all positive responses. This encouraged me and solidified my decision. So here's what I've come up with so far: I will cover my head with something any time I leave my house, except for when I go to work. I will try to keep covered at home, but I won't stress about it at this point. After all, my home is my home. Where else can I be at my most comfortable? 

     I have a few bandannas I have acquired over the years. I will stick to those for about a month to see if I can actually commit to this. If at the end of May, I am still covering, I will invest in a few nicer scarves and move on from there. I will wait till I am solidly and permanently committed to head covering before discussing my religious position at work. We are not allowed any kind of head-scarf or hats except for medical/religious reasons. I will eventually have to explain a very unusual spiritual call to a very Judeo-Christian establishment. I am willing to make that stand, but not until it's worth it. Why make a huge fuss over something that I might change my mind about as soon as the battle is over?

     I will admit, I felt a little thrill of doing something different when I went to the grocery store this morning. Southside is a neighborhood where you can see almost anything, but I think that head covering is still uncommon enough that I will probably be noticed for a while, until it becomes my normal. I certainly felt unusual walking down the street. It wasn't shame. It wasn't pride. The closest thing I can think of is a type of anxiety, like I was almost waiting for someone to challenge me, or to tell me it didn't look right.

     Knitting update for the day: Random Baby Blanket (that I supposedly started for the Selfish Knitters and Crocheters group Knit-A-Long "April Showers") is making slow but steady progress. I'll have it done before anyone I know has a baby! I still haven't cut more fringe for Midsummer Night's Shawl. I am disappointed in myself for not sitting down to finish it, but I just don't want to. Without any outside motivation, I'm afraid the shawl may sit in limbo until right before Anthrocon. 

     Tomorrow is May 1st. The SKC forum Knit-A-Long theme is "May Flowers" and I will finally force myself to make P her bamboo/silk Tarot bag. I've had the yarn since Christmas, but  since we couldn't pick a pattern, I was letting myself be lazy. She's going to get her bag in simple stockinette so I can participate in the KAL. Bamboo is plant, even if the silk isn't. Although, silkworms do eat plant material, so there.... :P

Too many ideas at once

     There is so much going on in my life right now. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to live after this lease is finished. I'm still struggling with the journey to loving myself better. I've become the primary emotional support for a friend who has never felt loved by anyone other than family. Friendships are changing, because I am changing. I wish there was something I could do to make things easier. And then, my mind runs off in a new direction...

     I've been reading about the idea of pagan veiling. This is something that crossed my mind close to a year ago, but I had no clue if it was even a legitimate option. It was originally a joke about never having to worry about "bad hair days" ever again. Because it was a joke, I didn't worry too much and just forgot about it. But last week, I randomly felt the need to look into it again. I don't know what told me to, but I've learned to listen to that little voice... I stumbled into The Pagan Spoonie's article on pagan head covering.It gave me a lot to think about.

     I'm still intrigued by the idea of head covering. But I need to do it for a legitimate reason, not just because I think it would look cool. I'm not the sort to wear skimpy little outfits, but I am comfortable with my body and my sexuality. I don't feel that hiding behind modest-dress is the best way for me to embrace the fact that I am a beautiful and sexual creature. My recently failed marriage doesn't make me want to wear something that symbolizes a social position I no longer can honestly claim. I don't feel called by a goddess that asks her followers to veil.

     But I keep opening up blogs on pagan veiling. I keep reading about it. I look at websites selling veils and headscarves. I look at how to tie headscarves to cover my hair. There is some part of me that really feels a need. I just don't know why.

     Now. For the knitting update. I've got 3/4 of the Midsummer Night's Shawl fringed. It won't be much longer till it's finally finished! I just need to sit still long enough to cut the last large handful of yarn for the fringes. Once I get those done, it is only a matter of a few minutes. Below is a picture of the shawl as it is now. It matches so nicely with my brand new bedsheets, doesn't it?

     I finally started on the Random Baby Blanket I decided to make. No I am not pregnant. No I am not making this for anyone who is pregnant. After giving some of Thing-a-Day's leftover washcloths as last minute gifts, I really want to build up a stash of handmades that are available any time I need a present, but don't have time to make one or money to buy one. The Random Baby Blanket is really nothing more than an extremely over-sized washcloth made of baby yarn, on a slightly larger needle. When I say quick and dirty, I mean it!

Con report: Furnandocon

     Okay. Maybe this technically wasn't a real convention. But come on. We organized an event involving 100+ furries in about two weeks!  And the money we raised! *dies* For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll rewind to somewhere closer to the beginning...

I'm not angry

     It was a very strange thing... I woke up one day not long ago and realized that suddenly, I no longer hold any ill feelings toward Blaze. When I left him, I actually hated him. Then I was angry, and hurt, and sad. But overnight, it was all gone. I still miss him and the relationship we had when things were good. 

     I know I can't go back to being with him, nor do I want to. While I miss having the closeness, I enjoy not having to take care of someone else. Both of us have grown just enough that we can't turn back. Now, this most recent past-relationship will join all the others as another bittersweet something to reminisce. 

     I still don't know what I want for my future, but I am finally taking the time to enjoy myself and my journey through life. It's like I'm learning to feel new emotions all over again, after suppressing everything. Every time I learn something about myself, it's like a treasure that I can't wait to share. But for now, I'm going to go revel in the idea that I've finally let go of something that was holding me back from healing, and look forward to the next step on my fantastic adventure.

     On a different subject, I got my Midsummer Night's Shawl off the needles. I started adding the fringe, and have gotten maybe 1/5 of it fringed. I decided to add one strand of black sparkle yarn to the turquoise in the fringe. It is a stark and sudden addition of color, but it also looks amazing. I will post a picture as soon as I remember to get someone to help me out with taking pics.

There's magic in the night...

     Come along, children. It's Tiger's Story Hour. Sit down and I'll tell you about a snag I refuse to unravel.

     Once upon a time, I had a very dear friend named Jeff. Jeff had a truck. It was ugly as sin, the color of deli mustard. We called it The Beast. For a while, I had no job and no money, but he did. So Jeff would pick me up at my mom's house and we'd go...everywhere! Jeff and I both loved Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. So we'd play music while we drove, often singing along. "Only the Good Die Young" and "Thunder Road" were Jeff's songs to me. I kind of took advantage of how much he loved me then, but that's another story for another time.

     So there was this one sunny, summer day... I'd kicked my shoes off and laid back in the passenger seat with the window down, when it struck me as a good idea to hang my feet out the window as we drove down the parkway. Jeff told me to get my naked toes inside. My response was that they weren't naked, I had nail polish on them. We were arguing about the questionable "indecency" of me showing my bare feet to the world when suddenly, Jeff burst into song along with The Boss "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright. And that's alright with me." We both burst out laughing at the timing, but I joined in and we kept on singing.

     Looking back, that was one of the best summers of my life. A lot has in the 16 years since that summer day. People have come and gone from my life. I've moved more times than I care to count. Romances have begun and ended. I'm a grown-up now, with responsibilities. I have to go to work rather than jump into the car and just drive. After living more, I better understand what the songs we listened to, and feel many of the same emotions that the singers were trying to convey.

     Jeff is gone now, taken from us by an unfortunate accident. I don't know whatever happened to that ugly Beast. I miss them both. But on sunny days when I'm riding in a different friend's car, I long to hang my naked toes out the window and sing along with the radio. In those moments, I feel a shadow of the happiness I shared with Jeff. I'm still not a beauty, but there's still magic in the night. And that's all right with me.

Leaving you was easier than being gone

     Not that I'd ever contemplate going back. But yesterday, I was thinking and I realized that I don't really like living with roommates, but I don't want to live alone, either. It might just be that there are so many people living at the Creatively Named Furry House, and I need to live with only one or two roommates, rather than four. But I also spent much of my night at work fending off the wave of lonely.

     My internet radio decided to spend the night playing every song ever recorded to remind me that I'm single again. The worst offender was "Break Down Here". I heard both versions last night, Trace Adkins's and Julie Robert's. It's so hard dealing with this. Most days, I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm moving forward. I'm making plans for an actual future and following through with them. Then days like yesterday happen. Days where I just want someone to hug, to sit next to while watching TV, to exist with while doing separate things in general closeness to each other.

      I don't know. I suppose there was a comfort factor, knowing that he was there. When he wasn't telling me how useless I was or what a screw-up I was, Blaze did tell me he loved me. And in his warped way, I think he did. But it was so unhealthy. But I still miss it. This realization is what keeps me lonely. I know that while I feel this need to feel romantic love, I will make bad decisions and rush into another unhealthy relationship just to fill that void.

     I was talking to one guy I met online. We have met in person, and there was definitely some chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, when I had made up my mind to indulge myself in a casual, no-strings affair, he started getting very manipulative and trying to pressure me into doing things that I have no intention of doing. So nothing has happened, and now, nothing is going to happen. And it's all his fault, because I told him what I expected  and needed from him, but he can't give me the space I need. So I won't give him any more of my time. It's his loss, because I know I'm totally worth the wait.
     So I'm sitting in my bedroom, spending my morning on the internet, yet again. People keep telling me to get out and meet people, but it's not easy to do when I work nights, and most people are at work in the mornings. The people I'm most likely to meet at 10am during the week are probably not the best dating material. And my social circle is so small, and I still struggle with social anxiety. I don't know. I guess all there is to do is to just keep going through the days. I wasn't looking when I met the man I married. I had given up to despair when I was given the opportunity to find myself again. I'm sure that if I just keep going and trust the forces of the universe, I will eventually find the right person for the next phase of my life.

Stuck in neutral

     It has been hard to motivate myself to blog for the past few days... Probably because nothing interesting has really been happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been getting up and going to work every day. I am trying to eat healthier and almost succeeding at that.

    In the last week, I have only gone out to eat once. And that was this past Friday. Roomie P took me out to cheer me up after we got screwed over again by Roomie C. I'm at a loss for how to deal with him.

     I seem to have hit a wall when it comes to working on my Midsummer Night Shawl. I've completed 28 of 30 pattern repeats. All I need to do is spend one more week working on it full-time, and I'll be done with it! Then I can get the black yarn and fringe the edges and be finished with the first project I'm actually making for myself. But, for the last few days, I look at my yarn and all I can think is, "I don't want to deal with you." So I don't. As much as I want to get this finished in time for Anthrocon, I have no desire to let knitting become a chore for me.

     Roomie P and I are starting to look for housing options for when this lease is up. It's early yet, but I don't have a feel for the local housing market like I did ten years ago. It's hard, wanting something nice like what we have, but knowing this is only affordable because five people are splitting the bills, rather than two. It doesn't help that we are severely limited in our options due to a lack of transportation. Needing to live in walking distance of a grocery store, and making sure we have reliable bus transportation are becoming more and more difficult to accomplish within our budget. I wish I could stumble onto something as perfect for me as the place I found for Blaze and me when we got married. 

     *sigh* Oh well. It's almost 9am on a Sunday. I suppose I ought to go take care of the daily necessities before I have to go to bed in a few hours. I can't wait till I have a vacation...

Feeling uncertain

Hey there! More medical melodrama. Enter at your own risk.

Oh, sleep... How I miss you...

     Today's warning: This post will be discussing details of my physical and mental health. I'm willing to share this, but not everyone may want to know specifics. I'm inserting a jump, so people have a choice.

Repeating Patterns and Baby Steps

     I've been in a pretty bad "poor-me" funk of late. I'm looking at the holding pattern in my life and seeing myself as being lonely, and apart from the world. I've been feeling miserable and thinking there is nothing I can do to change it. Then something small happens to remind me that I am moving forward. I am not lonely, I am alone. I set myself apart from the rest of the world, because I am remembering what a wonderful person I am.

      This song came on the radio at work last night. It helped, like it always does. Also, an old friend from my attempt at college managed to find me on Facebook. It seems like every time I get into this pattern, a new person from my past surfaces to remind me that I'm doing good.
     So today, I'm going to tell myself how good I'm doing! In the last six months:

• I'm getting so much better at my knitting. Now that I'm not being yelled at for wanting to knit, I can just sit and enjoy my time playing with yarn.
• I'm getting healthier. I can afford to go to the doctor, and pay for medications that are prescribed for me. I also eat more than once a day, and have time to relax.
• I'm not really a slob. Admittedly, I probably could be better at housekeeping, but the reason my old place stayed a mess wasn't all my fault. I have a floor at CNFH (Creatively Names Furry House)! And clean clothes every day! All it took was having access to a washer/dryer and roommates who are willing to do their share toward keeping a nice house.
• I learned that my friends are around me because they want to be, not because they have to be.
• I am learning not to be a doormat. I like doing things for other people, but I will not be taken advantage of anymore.

     That's a pretty decent list, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm going to go transfer my bedsheets from the washer to the dryer, go cook some lunch, then get a shower before I resume knitting for the rest of the day. Because after doing chores, I deserve to play with my pretty yarn! Oh, and here's a pic of the Midsummer Night's Shawl I'm working on:

Thinking Midsummer in the middle of winter

     I finally got started on my Midsummer's Night Shawl to wear for Anthrocon this summer. For such a simple looking pattern, I'm having a ridiculous amount of trouble. Every other row has a pair of increases that create an eyelet pattern around the outside edge. But, I keep forgetting to add an increase, or add one on a row where it doesn't belong. This is resulting in me having to rip out several rows. Like I rip out about 8 rows for each repeat. Which means that I'm taking twice as long to knit this as it should take. But I'm up to 10 of 30 repeats, so things are progressing, even if slower than I'd like.

     On another note, I also have a toilet that works again! Ok, well it always worked. Just it took special handling for the last few weeks. The cheap, plastic flush arm broke. We'd been pulling the chain up by hand. It worked, but was not fun. I finally got paid and made the scary journey to the nearest hardware store. I may have played dumb in the store, because making the employee show me where to go was easier than searching, but I knew this was going to be an easy fix. The most amazing part of all this? Only one roommate cared enough to thank me for doing something about the broken plumbing. And everyone seems surprised that I just knew how to fix the toilet!

     Perhaps it makes a big difference that I was raised by a strong single mother. Ok, divorced. Whatever. The point being, I grew up without a man living in the house. And my mother raised my sister and I to be self-sufficient and learn how to do things for ourselves.

     Oh joy... it's one of those says where I can't get my brain to focus.... Train of thought derailing. I'm just going to post this. I'll add more later.

Sometimes *I* need the hug

     Congratulations. You have bad days. Your paycheck was short. Your tax return got rejected. You can't pay your bills. 

     Well guess what? I got sent home a lot in the last month. Today's paycheck was $100 short of the usual amount. Last check? Even smaller. 

     But guess what else? I went without luxuries. I paid my bills and bought food. No trips to the State store or the beer distributor for me! And last month, I paid the utilities before anyone had the money to pay for them. I had to wait for everyone to pay me back. Well... Not everyone. One person still owes me for the bills paid in January. So this month, when the bills came due, only one person has paid up. The others? Left me hanging in the wind. Because obviously, I don't want to spend my money on anything. I'm used to doing without. I mean, Roomie C even had the nerve to act surprised that I had the bills hanging on the fridge for over two weeks. Am I really supposed to chase everyone around the house, begging them to pay their bills??

     And this is after months of me having to clean up after everybody. None of the boys will lift a finger to do anything around this house unless I threaten them. Having a party at CNFH? Sage & Morgain will clean up for it? After the party? Morgain will take care of everything when she gets up in the morning.

     After the St Patrick's party that Roomie C is "throwing" (I've done most of the planning, leg work) I'm seriously considering a moratorium on guests of any sort. If you don't pay monthly rent, floor space can be rented out at $20/night/person. And you will still be expected to clean up after yourself.

     I'm sick of taking care of everyone else. It makes me feel good to know that I've brightened the day/life of the people I live with. But when only one of them ever does anything in return? I'm not appreciated. I'm being taken advantage of. When I see a roommate having a bad day, I try to do something to make it better. A cup of coffee, a snack, a smile, a joke...whatever it takes. Roomie sees me walking around the apartment with tears in my eyes, complaining about how I'm on the ragged edge and feel like I'm about to break, he does nothing. Whatever.

I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

Stupid Hallmark holidays...

     Yep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've done everything I could to avoid it. But the TV keeps shoving it in my face. And my happy friends are talking about their special plans for their partners. I'd really rather not deal with this right now. I don't need my ALONE-ness shoved in my face, when I am having enough trouble dealing with it.

     In some ways, grieving a marriage is harder than mourning a person's death. When a person dies abruptly, you know there is nothing you could have done to change it. Sickness, accident, violence... These are enemies we cannot fight. But apathy, anger, disgust, rejection... These are things we're supposed to be able to overcome. I don't even know why the idea of Valentine's Day even bothers me. I was single for so long, it lost almost all meaning. Then, when I did have somebody, it didn't even matter. He didn't really seem to get the idea. Don't get me wrong. He got it right one year. That would be the time he got me a deep fryer as a gift, and made me a dinner of all my favorite fried foods. But most of the time he didn't even bother. Probably because I was so angry at his thoughtlessness at the last Valentine gift he gave me.

     I had been complaining about having gained more weight than I wanted. My clothes were starting to not fit. So I made a big deal of explaining that I was going to eliminate candy and sugar from my diet, as well as try to include more fruits and vegetables instead of the pasta I usually ate. So when this time of year came around, he brought home three pounds of chocolate. There was one box containing two whole pounds of chocolate covered cherries, and another box holding an assortment of chocolate candies. That I could not eat. That I had said I could not eat. So he set the boxes on the table where we dropped everything as we came in the door, saying he would eat them. I'm still not sure how the three pounds of chocolate ended up buried under a pile of papers, but when I found them about six months later, they were now two boxes of moldy, melted, gross chocolate. Never again did he bother to do anything for me on Valentine's Day. Never made me a dinner. Never bought me a card. Never even mentioned that he knew it was Valentine's.

     So, I don't know why this bothers me. I guess it's that all of this "celebrate love" crap I see everywhere makes me feel like I've failed in some way. Like the failure of my marriage makes me a failure as a woman. I know this is not true, but it doesn't make me feel better.

     My "totally reasonable response" to this? I'm going to go to Payless and buy myself some new shoes. Then I'm going to get myself some chocolates and take myself to lunch. Maybe buy myself a drink. Who knows. Maybe I'll take myself home and see what happens? (just kidding)

Why did I try to be nice? NSFW

     Interesting bit of gossip learned yesterday. Apparently, Blaze is "ok with me leaving him" because I was boring in bed. Funny. If I was so boring, why did he complain that I didn't want to sleep with him more often? And why is it that for the last several months, he refused to sleep with me at all? Oh well. Not my problem. I have a sex life again. And it's certainly not "boring".
     I realize that I was not exactly the most charitable person toward Blaze for the first month or so after leaving him. But since then, I've actually been coming to his defense far more than I ever thought I would. And why? Because I am trying to be a decent person. And here, I learn that he's been busy bad-mouthing me to our friends? And just being an absolute heel.
     I'm done. I'm not going to be nice anymore. I tried inviting him to the furry parties I host. He lost most of his social circle when I left, and I was trying not to exclude him from the social activities of a group we both belong to. But he wouldn't come "because he isn't ready to be social with me". At least that's what he told me. He told another friend that it is because of roomie P. I have a friend who told me he spent hours trying to get her into bed. On the day they first met!
     What a dick! I'm so glad to be rid of him!  </rant>

Thing A Day and other things

     We'll start with the knitting. Because it's easier. As you can see from my knitmeter at the bottom of the page, I've crossed the half mile point. I guess my resolution to knit a mile of yarn this year was too easy. I'm moving along like a knitting machine when it comes to the Thing A Day. I've already got a little pile of washcloths building up. With only one problem. I'm having so much fun with this, I just keep going. When I finish one washcloth, I just turn around and cast on a new one! I have finished about seven so far, meaning I will likely run out of cotton before I run out of February! But 29 items in 29 days is the important part, right? Even if I get them all done in less than that? I may pull out some RHSS yarn to make two-strand potholders if I run out of cotton... I mean really. I bought 10 balls of it, thinking that would be enough.
     In the meanwhile, I picked up the Red Heart Shimmer in turquoise to make my Midsummer's Night Shawl. It's an easier pattern than I thought it would be, and it seems to work up rather quickly. And it's such a pretty, sparkly yarn! And I only got to buy it so soon because I had to go deal with another entanglement.
     I was in a chat room with several friends, when K revealed that she was in a difficult emotional space. She also recently left her husband, and the friends she is staying with can't seem to comprehend the difficulties of walking away from your entire life. It doesn't help that they feel the "know what's best for her" and are pushing very hard for her to jump out and get back on her feet, without any allowance for the very necessary grieving that comes from such a change in lifestyle. So we mounted an "emotional rescue mission" to bring her to the Creatively Named Furry House for the weekend. While I am thrilled to be able to help, I can't actually do anything for her. It's so frustrating!

Can't. Stop. Knitting...

     I finished knitting the Purple Camo Shawl for Wendy. It took a little less than a month, and more yarn than I had originally bought for it... But everything is good. There was a sale on yarn at Michael's last week, and I made Roomie C drive me, along with Roomie P, to go buy more. On the other hand, having no knitting to do yesterday left me so confused. I was at my wits' end trying to keep myself occupied and entertained all day. I now have an almost obscene amount of Sugar n' Cream yarn in my stash. Which has expanded into two totes now! 

     Unfortunately, the cotton is "off-limits" till next Wednesday. I decided to start a Thing A Day challenge for February, and I challenged a few of the local furries to join me in it. I know Hazy is going to join me at it. I think Stormy said she'd think about doing a Drawing A Day. I'm trying to get Roomie P to agree, but she's so unsure of herself sometimes... So, my TAD goal is to knit a washcloth every day. I'll probably get so bored by the pattern by the time a month is over, but I'll be able to put them away for any time I need a quick, "last-minute" gift.

     I can't wait to get to the store to make the still-promised Giftmas present for a certain lioness I know. And then I can get the pretty, sparkly yarn I want to make MY shawl! Because I certainly deserve something I can knit for myself! And it will be so awesome to have a handknit shawl at Anthrocon! Everyone will be so jealous!

     Let's see... What else is in my To Knit list? I was planning to make myself a hat, but I might run out of winter before I actually sit down and do that. I'm organizing a group to make afghan square to donate an afghan for Anthrocon's charity auction in 2013. Hmm...I might even pull out some of the RHSS stash and make some for an afghan to keep at home...

     It's funny...I opened up the computer with the intent of ranting about how upset I was at something. At a friend who is on the verge of sabotaging a relationship they tried to have for over a year. And to complain about how unfair it is that someone could throw away such love and devotion for a piece of tail...when I'm sitting at home just wishing that someone wanted just to be near me... But after typing just a few sentences, all I could think about was knitting, and I couldn't help but smile! So I need to share more of my fleeting joy. Can't let it get away!

Living the life I have

     I realize that my posts are quickly becoming more and more sporadic, but I have a very good reason. I've actually been living my life, rather than talking about living. I'm having a great time hosting our monthly furry parties. This last one was something special.

     We had between 30 and 40 people show up at our apartment on Friday the 13th. I'm just lucky that they all didn't feel the need to spend the night as was expected. I got to meet so many people that I talk to online, as well as a few completely new people.

     That Saturday, I spent much of the day hanging out with a few of the people who stayed after breakfast. As an added bonus, it was a group of girls who stayed. It's been too long since I hung out with a group of women. Nothing really special happened other than a feeling of closeness and camaraderie.

     The other thing I've been doing a lot of is knitting. And I do mean a lot. I passed the halfway point on the purple camouflage shawl I'm knitting for my sister. I'm still not positive about the dimensions I've set, but it's a little too late. Besides, it's already using up more yarn than I'd allotted for it. I'm now debating fringe vs. border. I'm leaning towards a purple fringe, but I won't know till I get enough yarn to finish the shawl. No sense planning the finishing touches till I've actually gotten that far!

     Now, I'm off to do more laundry, since the cat was tunneling through my blankets last night.

I am homeless

      Not literally! I want to clear that up right away. I have a roof over my head and a place to sleep everyday, clean clothes to wear and enough food to eat everyday. I pay rent and utilities. But this place is just an apartment. And I want to go home. To that place where everything in there is yours. A safe, warm, welcoming haven from the big, bad outside world.

     I grew up with divorced parents. When I was young, I had two homes. When I was 20, I moved out on my own. That became home. For several years, I moved from place to place, and each place I lived was home, even if only for a short time. I was moving forward in my life and everything was a step toward some unknown goal. It's funny, but after a few years on my own, my parents' houses were no longer my home. I felt like a guest. I felt I could no longer just walk in whenever I wanted and just make myself comfortable.

     I accepted this, and kept moving forward. I met a man and got married. We made our own home. It was cozy and warm and wonderful. Right up until the relationship went sour. It became a place I dreaded. It had been violated. My home was no longer cozy and safe. But it was still my home! I kept going back every day, and hoping that things would get better again.

     Unfortunately, the time came to leave. I took what I could, and moved in with some very good friends. The place where I live now is very nice. It is filled with laughter and love. But it is not a home. It's a very nice hotel, but it's just a stop along the way.

     I don't like this idea of floating about without an anchor. That cozy, safe haven is the place where we can return and withdraw, to heal our hearts and minds. So, yeah. This is what I'm missing. And I can't wait to find my next home.