I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

Can't. Stop. Knitting...

     I finished knitting the Purple Camo Shawl for Wendy. It took a little less than a month, and more yarn than I had originally bought for it... But everything is good. There was a sale on yarn at Michael's last week, and I made Roomie C drive me, along with Roomie P, to go buy more. On the other hand, having no knitting to do yesterday left me so confused. I was at my wits' end trying to keep myself occupied and entertained all day. I now have an almost obscene amount of Sugar n' Cream yarn in my stash. Which has expanded into two totes now! 

     Unfortunately, the cotton is "off-limits" till next Wednesday. I decided to start a Thing A Day challenge for February, and I challenged a few of the local furries to join me in it. I know Hazy is going to join me at it. I think Stormy said she'd think about doing a Drawing A Day. I'm trying to get Roomie P to agree, but she's so unsure of herself sometimes... So, my TAD goal is to knit a washcloth every day. I'll probably get so bored by the pattern by the time a month is over, but I'll be able to put them away for any time I need a quick, "last-minute" gift.

     I can't wait to get to the store to make the still-promised Giftmas present for a certain lioness I know. And then I can get the pretty, sparkly yarn I want to make MY shawl! Because I certainly deserve something I can knit for myself! And it will be so awesome to have a handknit shawl at Anthrocon! Everyone will be so jealous!

     Let's see... What else is in my To Knit list? I was planning to make myself a hat, but I might run out of winter before I actually sit down and do that. I'm organizing a group to make afghan square to donate an afghan for Anthrocon's charity auction in 2013. Hmm...I might even pull out some of the RHSS stash and make some for an afghan to keep at home...

     It's funny...I opened up the computer with the intent of ranting about how upset I was at something. At a friend who is on the verge of sabotaging a relationship they tried to have for over a year. And to complain about how unfair it is that someone could throw away such love and devotion for a piece of tail...when I'm sitting at home just wishing that someone wanted just to be near me... But after typing just a few sentences, all I could think about was knitting, and I couldn't help but smile! So I need to share more of my fleeting joy. Can't let it get away!

Shopping therapy... Why does it work?

     So this morning, roomie P and I were in seriously funky moods. I can't know her motivations, but I can say I think mine was just a result of holiday blah. After spending over a month knitting, and the purchasing of gifts for everyone I could, I was starting to lose my holiday spirit. My plans for Christmas were not falling into place the way I had hoped. It is warm enough that I can walk to the corner bar wearing only a long-sleeved shirt.

     But during lunch, we accidentally hit on the perfect solution. We had to go to the store to buy some pop and snacks for tomorrow. And since the grocery was closing ridiculously early, why didn't we just go to Wal-Mart? $20 of selfishness later, I was feeling better again. I got myself some new shoes for work, some stitch markers for my knitting, and a ball of hot pink cotton yarn. OK, so the yarn isn't exactly for me... But I really want to try to get A's present finished before I see her tomorrow. And that will make me happy. Roomie P got herself some new shoes, too, along with a MLP Rarity figure.

     It was very odd, being at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve, and the store was not nearly as full as I thought It'd be. And much more satisfying than I had hoped it could be. What is it about these moments of selfish, instant gratification that make us feel so good. Because most of the people who indulge in these frivolous spending ventures are the very ones who cannot afford it.

     You know what? I'm going to put away the shoes, and the knitting stuff. I have some lovely red wine in my fridge, and friends on their way over. We're going to have cookies while we just sit around and relax. I've earned the chance to enjoy tonight and tomorrow. And I'm going to do just that. Without thinking about it too much!

     Merry Christmas, all! I hope that in this dark and depressing world we live in is brightened by even the smallest hope. From the potential in a new ball of yarn, to the prospect of time with loved ones, it's time to enjoy our new beginnings.

Togetherness, my butt!

     I quit! At Thanksgiving, it was my idea to host an Orphans' Christmas at our apartment. And the roommates all thought this was a wonderful idea. We have plenty of friends who, for more reasons than can be counted, are not able to spend the holiday with family. One was kicked out of the house by his mother, another's family lives in another state.

     So for the last month, I have been the one posting in the message boards to invite people with a request for people to RSVP so we know how many people to worry about feeding. I've gotten exactly two definite "I'm coming" responses. And several people who "will try to come" or "might stop by." I'm glad I didn't TELL PEOPLE I WAS PLANNING TO COOK and that I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY MOUTHS TO FEED!

     With two days till Christmas, the apartment is a pig-sty. No one wants to help me clean and make the place look nice for our company. Because it's just going to be the same friends who come over all the time, so why make a big deal?

     Today, I asked roomies C and J to go with me to the grocery store. Both said yes, then turned around and played video games for two hours. So I walked to the store alone to buy the stuff to make breakfast for Christmas morning. And now, I don't want to!

     At this point, I just want to take their collective Christmas presents and shove them in some very uncomfortable places. And perform unspeakable atrocities with a Christmas tree. I want to call the friends who have nowhere else to go, and tell them the holiday is cancelled because my roommates are idiots.
    I really wish I didn't have such a sudden mood-swing. I was having such a good time enjoying the holiday season...

Yarn-y rant of the day...

     I have been busy! I knitted up around twenty Christmas presents. I have three more I'd like to get done before the big day, but I don't know if I'm actually going to see these people before mid-January, so I'm not stressing over it. I even managed to keep up with the "last-minute" people I kept adding to my own list. I'm feeling pretty darned good about myself today.

     I still haven't gotten my package of yarn I ordered from JoAnn Fabrics. I don't even know where to go to complain that it hasn't arrived. JoAnn did a good job keeping me informed of my order's status as it was being filled. FedEx had a link to track the order as it moved along from center to center until it was delivered to a post office in Pittsburgh. Now, it is trapped in postal hell, and no one knows how to find it. *headdesk* Then, I keep forgetting to print out the pattern for the last few things I want to make. And I'd have to download it to be able to see on the roomie's computer. I don't want to do that. I don't think it's right to be downloading anything onto someone else's computer without express permission. And I don't think about asking. Because my brain is usually not on patterns when I see her in the mornings.

     So this morning, I decided to make myself a new dishcloth. This new variant includes using four strands of crochet thread and size 5 needles. It feels a little funny, so I don't dare use it for a shower, but it should be awesome for dishes! After that, I really need to find my damned measuring tape, because I want to use the awesome new yarn I bought! I picked up some Mini Mochi in a pretty, pastel rainbow color. I plan to make myself some new wrist-warmers for the office. They'll look a lot better than my tiger paws. Those are a little over-sized and they're starting to wear a it rough since I've had them for a year now.

    I dunno... I know... I'm feeling the nonsense today. It's raining outside, and that tends to either depress me or send me into fits of silly to counteract the dreariness. That and the pot of coffee I've been drinking all morning! *bounces around the living room* I'm gonna get back to that dishcloth. It'll never get done if I don't!

Why do I do this? Answers would be helpful.

     I was thinking the other day about why people blog, and why people read blogs. That was too big of an idea for my pitiful little mind to fathom. So then I started wondering why I decided to start this blog, and whether people would really care what I had to say. The first part of this is all I could legitimately answer. I need to write to sort out how I feel about a lot of things. Because if I don't I worry that my brain might explode, or I might just fail to cope with things that may or may not be important. I don't know for certain why anyone would want to read what I have to say, other than the idea that perhaps they are, or have been, in a similar situation at some point.

     I was in a toxic and unhealthy marriage. I left it less than 4 months ago. After five years of marriage and 3 years of dating, I was told many things that made me feel like less than a whole and valuable person. I am only just beginning to realize how warped my thought process has become.

     I have estranged myself from my family. This is mostly an effect from the last eight years. But I let it happen. I don't know how to rebuild these relationships, but it will happen eventually. One family member at a time, I am beginning to reach out and try.

     I have a sister. She is my only sibling, and she has lupus. We always love each other, but we don't always like each other. But her diagnosis with a chronic and life threatening disease has brought us closer than we have in years.

     I feel alone a lot of the time. After eight years with my ex-husband, I got used to having someone to talk to almost any time. He didn't often listen, or even care, but he was there. Friends aren't obligated to listen to your constant whining. After a while, they will stop coming around. I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time, but I need an outlet for all these feelings.

     Don't get me wrong. I am not a ball of angst and depression. I do have plenty of good times. I love that I learned to knit. Showing off all the things that I've made gives me such a feeling of pride and accomplishment. I know people who are jealous of my ability. I enjoy helping friends who are knitters. Knitting takes up a lot of my time these days and not just because of the holidays.

     I guess I've babbled enough for now. I would appreciate anyone telling me whether they really want me to keep babbling at them. Am I doing any good for anyone other than myself?