Shopping therapy... Why does it work?

     So this morning, roomie P and I were in seriously funky moods. I can't know her motivations, but I can say I think mine was just a result of holiday blah. After spending over a month knitting, and the purchasing of gifts for everyone I could, I was starting to lose my holiday spirit. My plans for Christmas were not falling into place the way I had hoped. It is warm enough that I can walk to the corner bar wearing only a long-sleeved shirt.

     But during lunch, we accidentally hit on the perfect solution. We had to go to the store to buy some pop and snacks for tomorrow. And since the grocery was closing ridiculously early, why didn't we just go to Wal-Mart? $20 of selfishness later, I was feeling better again. I got myself some new shoes for work, some stitch markers for my knitting, and a ball of hot pink cotton yarn. OK, so the yarn isn't exactly for me... But I really want to try to get A's present finished before I see her tomorrow. And that will make me happy. Roomie P got herself some new shoes, too, along with a MLP Rarity figure.

     It was very odd, being at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve, and the store was not nearly as full as I thought It'd be. And much more satisfying than I had hoped it could be. What is it about these moments of selfish, instant gratification that make us feel so good. Because most of the people who indulge in these frivolous spending ventures are the very ones who cannot afford it.

     You know what? I'm going to put away the shoes, and the knitting stuff. I have some lovely red wine in my fridge, and friends on their way over. We're going to have cookies while we just sit around and relax. I've earned the chance to enjoy tonight and tomorrow. And I'm going to do just that. Without thinking about it too much!

     Merry Christmas, all! I hope that in this dark and depressing world we live in is brightened by even the smallest hope. From the potential in a new ball of yarn, to the prospect of time with loved ones, it's time to enjoy our new beginnings.

Togetherness, my butt!

     I quit! At Thanksgiving, it was my idea to host an Orphans' Christmas at our apartment. And the roommates all thought this was a wonderful idea. We have plenty of friends who, for more reasons than can be counted, are not able to spend the holiday with family. One was kicked out of the house by his mother, another's family lives in another state.

     So for the last month, I have been the one posting in the message boards to invite people with a request for people to RSVP so we know how many people to worry about feeding. I've gotten exactly two definite "I'm coming" responses. And several people who "will try to come" or "might stop by." I'm glad I didn't TELL PEOPLE I WAS PLANNING TO COOK and that I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY MOUTHS TO FEED!

     With two days till Christmas, the apartment is a pig-sty. No one wants to help me clean and make the place look nice for our company. Because it's just going to be the same friends who come over all the time, so why make a big deal?

     Today, I asked roomies C and J to go with me to the grocery store. Both said yes, then turned around and played video games for two hours. So I walked to the store alone to buy the stuff to make breakfast for Christmas morning. And now, I don't want to!

     At this point, I just want to take their collective Christmas presents and shove them in some very uncomfortable places. And perform unspeakable atrocities with a Christmas tree. I want to call the friends who have nowhere else to go, and tell them the holiday is cancelled because my roommates are idiots.
    I really wish I didn't have such a sudden mood-swing. I was having such a good time enjoying the holiday season...

STILL not finished!

     It's coming down to the wire, and I still have gifts to finish making. And a few yet to buy. I guess that's what I have coming to me for deciding that I had to share myself with everyone I care about this year. But it's so much nicer than sitting around feeling guilty that I couldn't afford to buy gifts for ANYONE. I still need to finish up presents for A's munchkins, a few friends that I'm not exceptionally close to, and roommate C. Who is exceedingly difficult when it comes to deciding on what to get him for Christmas.

     Today's to-do list includes, finish up Batty's present. Clean up public rooms of apartment. Sweep/mop floors. Go to liquor store to get champagne for Christmas mimosas/chrysanthemums. Go to grocery store for cookies, frosting, bread, and other odds and ends to turn into Christmas dinner. Do laundry. Feed myself at some point. Get to bed before 4, so I can wake up when roomie P gets home for dinner. I know I'm forgetting something, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what.

     Right now, I'm laying on the living room floor trying to drink coffee. I'm not doing well, because it's very hard to do when lying on one's side. But since we still have no furniture after 3 months, and it's going to be at least another month before roomie J gets that futon... I'm spending a lot of time on the floor. Especially since someone took my chair from the kitchen table into their bedroom...

     Two more days till the holiday... and I'm selfishly hoping to get those JoAnn's gift cards I asked for. I have a bunch of things on my wish-list to buy for myself. I want to challenge myself on an item or two, as well as work on the IDK It's a Shrug before I kick off Thing-A-Day in February. I suppose I'll have to buy enough yarn to support that, as well.

     Mind wandering too far... Can't keep in anywhere near on track... I'm gonna go for now. See if I can actually knit at all today!

My Favorite Things

     I am totally obsessed with Christmas this year. AND, I really don't want to keep whining about how difficult my life is. Things could be, and have been, worse. I'm still getting a handle on all the good things that I have in my life, but at lease I know there are things out there. So instead of complaining, I'm going to list some of my favorite Christmas gifts that I've gotten over the years. In no particular order, they are:

1. A Cabbage Patch Preemie doll (1984) -  This was the second year the Cabbage Patch Kids were popular. It was years later that I found out about my granny standing in line to get me a doll. Melissa was my first Cabbage Patch Kid, and to this day remains my favorite. 28 years later, I still have Melissa. I still sleep with her when I need a cuddle. I've gotten more expensive gifts in my life, but for some reason this one will always remain my favorite.
2. A bike (1986) - I think that was the right year? It was my very first 10-speed bike. I remember it sitting, completely assembled, in the living room. I almost died. I wanted to take it outside and ride it in the snow, but Mom wouldn't let me!
3. Abridged Classics book collection (c. 1983-1985) - I'm not sure of the year I got these, but they just seemed cool. I did read them when I was young, and according to Mom, I even understood some heavy literary concepts they held. It wasn't till I was an adult that I truly appreciated this gift. Being exposed to Charles Dickens and Mark Twain at a very young age definitely had an effect on me. I am not intimidated by the classics, because I know that they might take a bit of extra work, but are just as good of stories as anything I read now!
4. Teddy Ruxpin (c. 1988) - Can you tell I'm not very good at remembering years? Does anyone else remember the talking illiops and his octopede friend that would tell you stories from a cassette placed in his back? It was one of the earlier "read-along" characters. I remember arguing with my sister over which story we wanted to have "read" to us at night.
5. Pitt and Penn State sweatshirts (1995) - I had been accepted to Pitt. My best friend was going over to the enemy. Dad and Step-mother thought it would be cute to make sure I had one of each. And people wonder where I get my warped sense of humor?
6. Blizzard - (2003) - The first Christmas I was dating Blaze, he got me this huge stuffed white tiger. And by huge, I mean the size of a medium dog. I used it as a pillow for a while. I love my collection of stuffed tigers, and Blizzard rules over them all. I may have anger towards him now, but Blizzard stays with me, to remind me that things were good at one time. And he's that awesome of a tiger.

     I'm certain I've gotten other super presents. These are just the ones I can think of this morning. It's not just the present that sticks in my memory. It's the people around me when I got them, and how they affected me, that turns a good present into something that sticks around forever.

     Here's my challenge to you. What are your all-time best Christmas gifts? What kind of memories did they create? Are you brave enough to share them?

It's beginning to look a lot like... nothing...

     Like I said the other day, I'm really enjoying this Christmas thing like I did as a child. Every day, some new holiday thing appears in the living room. A nekkid little tree, decorations making it onto said tree, garland on the stair-railing, Father Christmas figurines... Little by little, I am adding physical form to my emotions. It's almost as much fun as I remembered. It won't be much longer before I start playing Christmas carols at home, as well as at work.

     That being said, I have one major stumbling block when it comes to holiday spirit. I don't see any decorations outside my apartment! Don't get me wrong, there are a few businesses that have put snowflakes and garland in their windows, but that's pretty much it. None of the neighbors have any lights in their windows. The only decoration at the building where I work is a lonely tree in the middle of a spartan lobby.

     What happened? I realize I live in the city now, rather than suburbia. Not everyone has lawns to decorate. But I'm sure it's not just a fuzzy-memory from my childhood that people used to decorate for Christmas. I remember houses you were sure you could see from outer space and Christmas trees in the living room window of every house. Today, I walk outside and my neighborhood looks much like it did when I moved here in September, only with more dead leaves and the need to wear a jacket. I may be excited that Christmas is coming, but I was surprised to realize that it's just over a week away. I feel depressed by the lack of urgency or excitement by anyone around me.

     Maybe if it would snow....

'Tis that season...

*sigh* Happy Winter Gift-giving Occasion! I mean, seriously. Let's take the superior-beings and dogma out of this conversation. I don't want to cause strife. I want to celebrate. And many of us have different reasons for celebrating. But in the last half of December, we all take a little bit of time to think of the people around us. And that is a wonderful thing. We shouldn't use this as our only excuse to appreciate those who are good to us all year long. That being said, I realized the other day, that this is the first time I've felt the "Christmas spirit" in several years.

      I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am not with Blaze any longer. I won't go into the drama of our relationship falling apart. If you were there, you know. If you weren't, I don't need to make him look any worse than he already does. Suffice it to say, years of feeling battered and beaten by the world around you don't make for much cheer. I didn't feel charitable toward my fellow man, when I was struggling just to pay my own bills. I couldn't afford even the smallest gifts for anyone around me. All those years when I used to take such pleasure in wrapping gifts seemed to vanish into the smoke of memory. I don't have to listen to one person's selfish demands, or his complaints that my decorations were stupid and pointless. This year, I don't have to struggle every week to survive. I have extra money that I can spend on myself and those I care about. I can put up a tree, and show off my Father Christmas figurines. I have roommates who, if they don't love my decorations, at least tolerate my excitement. 

     Boy, did I win when it came to decorating, too. I had a co-worker, L, who had found a four foot tall tree in her basement that she didn't remember ever buying. She tried to give it to her daughter, who didn't want it. The daughter wanted to buy a new, big tree for her 5 kids. L tried to give the tree to the daycare where she works her second job. They didn't want it because they'd have to buy decorations for it! When I mentioned that I still hadn't gotten a tree, L immediately gave it to me. The next day, I go to work, and another co-worker, R, puts a grocery bag on my desk. It contains two 6 foot lengths of garland and a package of 6 snowflake ornaments! There's two more people I have to come up with gifts for, now.

     And I get to give presents this year! I didn't spend a lot of money. In fact, I knitted almost all of my gifts, except when I just had to buy something specific for someone. And while knitting yesterday, I had time to think random thoughts, as I am frequently wont to do. I remembered a time when we were all horrified at the idea of receiving a hand-made gift. Why couldn't they have gone to the store and bought you something nice? It's funny how much time changes a person. Now in my 30s, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that go into making something. And after knitting gifts for ten people, with eight more to go (I need more time!) I hope those I've been thinking of feel the same way. But then again, I'm not giving gifts with the intention of being appreciated. I'm doing it because I want to, and I can. I'm able to give my friends a piece of my time when I was thinking especially of them. It makes me happy to know that they will look at whatever I gave them, and whether or not they like it, know that I cared for that brief moment in time.

     And on that note, I'm going to get back to trying to finish everyone's gifts before December 25. Because that is the Gift-Giving Day I choose to celebrate this year.