Spring is springing

     Last weekend was Easter. It symbolizes a time of new beginnings. And I'm certainly having some of those. I finally got my transfer from midnight shift to twilight shift. I am so excited. For the last three days, I have gotten a good night's sleep, and woken up before my alarm goes off! I'm also having a much easier time at work, and not struggling to stay awake at my desk.
    I've also been busy with my yarn projects. Let's see how things are progressing....

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H and Ar, and am more than halfway through Mo. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE! About 35 of them...
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn this weekend as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because."

     I managed to finish one project on my list so far. But it's only April, and I have plenty of time. The scarves are progressing well, and should be done in time for Anthrocon. My smaller projects, I don't know what's up with them, but I don't care. I'll finish them when I do. I have no clue what's going on with the sweater, but that's a problem for after Anthrocon.
     Now I just have to figure out what's going on with this constant pain.... Then I'll be all set to start living my life again!

I'm not angry

     It was a very strange thing... I woke up one day not long ago and realized that suddenly, I no longer hold any ill feelings toward Blaze. When I left him, I actually hated him. Then I was angry, and hurt, and sad. But overnight, it was all gone. I still miss him and the relationship we had when things were good. 

     I know I can't go back to being with him, nor do I want to. While I miss having the closeness, I enjoy not having to take care of someone else. Both of us have grown just enough that we can't turn back. Now, this most recent past-relationship will join all the others as another bittersweet something to reminisce. 

     I still don't know what I want for my future, but I am finally taking the time to enjoy myself and my journey through life. It's like I'm learning to feel new emotions all over again, after suppressing everything. Every time I learn something about myself, it's like a treasure that I can't wait to share. But for now, I'm going to go revel in the idea that I've finally let go of something that was holding me back from healing, and look forward to the next step on my fantastic adventure.

     On a different subject, I got my Midsummer Night's Shawl off the needles. I started adding the fringe, and have gotten maybe 1/5 of it fringed. I decided to add one strand of black sparkle yarn to the turquoise in the fringe. It is a stark and sudden addition of color, but it also looks amazing. I will post a picture as soon as I remember to get someone to help me out with taking pics.

Oh, sleep... How I miss you...

     Today's warning: This post will be discussing details of my physical and mental health. I'm willing to share this, but not everyone may want to know specifics. I'm inserting a jump, so people have a choice.

Repeating Patterns and Baby Steps

     I've been in a pretty bad "poor-me" funk of late. I'm looking at the holding pattern in my life and seeing myself as being lonely, and apart from the world. I've been feeling miserable and thinking there is nothing I can do to change it. Then something small happens to remind me that I am moving forward. I am not lonely, I am alone. I set myself apart from the rest of the world, because I am remembering what a wonderful person I am.

      This song came on the radio at work last night. It helped, like it always does. Also, an old friend from my attempt at college managed to find me on Facebook. It seems like every time I get into this pattern, a new person from my past surfaces to remind me that I'm doing good.
     So today, I'm going to tell myself how good I'm doing! In the last six months:

• I'm getting so much better at my knitting. Now that I'm not being yelled at for wanting to knit, I can just sit and enjoy my time playing with yarn.
• I'm getting healthier. I can afford to go to the doctor, and pay for medications that are prescribed for me. I also eat more than once a day, and have time to relax.
• I'm not really a slob. Admittedly, I probably could be better at housekeeping, but the reason my old place stayed a mess wasn't all my fault. I have a floor at CNFH (Creatively Names Furry House)! And clean clothes every day! All it took was having access to a washer/dryer and roommates who are willing to do their share toward keeping a nice house.
• I learned that my friends are around me because they want to be, not because they have to be.
• I am learning not to be a doormat. I like doing things for other people, but I will not be taken advantage of anymore.

     That's a pretty decent list, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm going to go transfer my bedsheets from the washer to the dryer, go cook some lunch, then get a shower before I resume knitting for the rest of the day. Because after doing chores, I deserve to play with my pretty yarn! Oh, and here's a pic of the Midsummer Night's Shawl I'm working on:

My year 2011 in review

     I think I'll join the rest of the world in a brief look back, before I begin looking forward again. 2011 has been quite a year for me.

     In a moment of weak-mindedness, I thought it would be a great idea to be on the Anthrocon staff. OK, so it was a good idea. I got the chance to meet a lot of great new furries. I don't get the chance to enjoy the convention in the same way as I'm used to, but who really needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or more while sitting on the sidewalk? I never really went to a lot of panels. And I get to meet so many artists!

     Actually, I took it upon myself to start getting more active in Pittsburgh's local furry community. In the fall, roomie P and I took over organizing the local furmeets. I enjoy being able to ensure at least one furmeet I can actually get to. I had the opportunity to get closer to acquaintances that I managed to turn into friends. During all that time I was being told no one cared about me, there was a group of people wishing I could find the time to hang out with them. And boy was I glad to know these people were around!

     Because in August, I'd had it. I was just DONE with Blaze's crap. I was finished with not being able to pay the bills. I was finished with having to come home from work, do all the shopping, try to get the apartment clean, take care of myself, feed the lazy fox who would rather complain about being hungry than cook food that was in the pantry. It was too much to want to be able to knit or play XBox. I didn't need to pursue any hobbies. I just needed to do everything for him... </rant> Yeah.... So when certain good friends told me there was an extra room in the apartment they were moving to, I actually seized the opportunity, and moved the hell out. I had every intention of starting over with one suitcase of clothes, and nothing else. But I not only got almost everything I needed, I actually have a pretty decent life now.

     So with this year coming to a close, I can safely say that while it was a rough one, at least it was a good one. My resolution for the coming year is to remember to think of myself. I resolve to put myself first more often. I will not worry about taking care of others to my own detriment. Here's to hoping that 2012 is a little smoother for us all.

'Tis that season...

*sigh* Happy Winter Gift-giving Occasion! I mean, seriously. Let's take the superior-beings and dogma out of this conversation. I don't want to cause strife. I want to celebrate. And many of us have different reasons for celebrating. But in the last half of December, we all take a little bit of time to think of the people around us. And that is a wonderful thing. We shouldn't use this as our only excuse to appreciate those who are good to us all year long. That being said, I realized the other day, that this is the first time I've felt the "Christmas spirit" in several years.

      I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am not with Blaze any longer. I won't go into the drama of our relationship falling apart. If you were there, you know. If you weren't, I don't need to make him look any worse than he already does. Suffice it to say, years of feeling battered and beaten by the world around you don't make for much cheer. I didn't feel charitable toward my fellow man, when I was struggling just to pay my own bills. I couldn't afford even the smallest gifts for anyone around me. All those years when I used to take such pleasure in wrapping gifts seemed to vanish into the smoke of memory. I don't have to listen to one person's selfish demands, or his complaints that my decorations were stupid and pointless. This year, I don't have to struggle every week to survive. I have extra money that I can spend on myself and those I care about. I can put up a tree, and show off my Father Christmas figurines. I have roommates who, if they don't love my decorations, at least tolerate my excitement. 

     Boy, did I win when it came to decorating, too. I had a co-worker, L, who had found a four foot tall tree in her basement that she didn't remember ever buying. She tried to give it to her daughter, who didn't want it. The daughter wanted to buy a new, big tree for her 5 kids. L tried to give the tree to the daycare where she works her second job. They didn't want it because they'd have to buy decorations for it! When I mentioned that I still hadn't gotten a tree, L immediately gave it to me. The next day, I go to work, and another co-worker, R, puts a grocery bag on my desk. It contains two 6 foot lengths of garland and a package of 6 snowflake ornaments! There's two more people I have to come up with gifts for, now.

     And I get to give presents this year! I didn't spend a lot of money. In fact, I knitted almost all of my gifts, except when I just had to buy something specific for someone. And while knitting yesterday, I had time to think random thoughts, as I am frequently wont to do. I remembered a time when we were all horrified at the idea of receiving a hand-made gift. Why couldn't they have gone to the store and bought you something nice? It's funny how much time changes a person. Now in my 30s, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that go into making something. And after knitting gifts for ten people, with eight more to go (I need more time!) I hope those I've been thinking of feel the same way. But then again, I'm not giving gifts with the intention of being appreciated. I'm doing it because I want to, and I can. I'm able to give my friends a piece of my time when I was thinking especially of them. It makes me happy to know that they will look at whatever I gave them, and whether or not they like it, know that I cared for that brief moment in time.

     And on that note, I'm going to get back to trying to finish everyone's gifts before December 25. Because that is the Gift-Giving Day I choose to celebrate this year.