Trying to keep in touch

     I swear, every time I say I'm going to make a habit of sitting down and blogging more frequently, I get distracted by everything else going on in my life.
     It's been a busy time. With the New Year, I decided to make 2015 "The Year of the Afghan" because I have an irresistible urge to knit/crochet blankets. So far, I've completed one afghan to donate to WPAFW for their charity raffle. I've started and almost completed  a second blanket for a good friend. And I'm getting ready to start on a third for my bestie. I hope to have 12 afghans completed by the end of the year, but if I leave room for reality, I'm planning to have about eight done by Christmas.

     Here's a WIP photo of the blanket I made for WPAFW. I haven't gotten a final picture of it since completing it.

     Here's the most recent photo of the afghan for Shiki. I'm almost done, but have to get a good picture soon.

     I'm honestly going to try to update this more often. But sometimes, the routine of life makes it seem like there is nothing interesting happening when it's only routine to me and it might be interesting to others.

A discovery of self

     Confession time: I've never been the neatest person.Trust me, I've felt nothing but shame over it, but I just felt there was nothing I could do to change it, no matter how hard I tried. Even living with roommates who helped share the load of housework, nothing seemed to be enough.
     Now, I live alone and guess what! While the apartment isn't ready for magazine covers, it's a far cry from the messes I've lived in for the last ten years. I've spent the last month trying to budget enough money to replace cleaning supplies and make sure everything has a proper space, rather than in piles of "I'll get to it later." I even found myself cleaning the toilet, not because it was especially disgusting, but because it has been a month and I wanted to stay ahead of stuff.
     I'm just happy to see that it really hasn't been my fault for all this time!

I guess I should get back to this...

     It's been quite some time since I have posted anything. MUCH has happened in my life. Friendships have changed. People have come into, and gone out of, my life.
     I moved into a new apartment. By myself. It's been a long time since I lived alone, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to do it again, but too late!
     I learned some things during the process of this move, that make me think people aren't very good at moving. So I think after I get a few thoughts together, I'm going to write a how-to guide. Just a few pointers of what I did that made things run more smoothly. As well as the things I should have done, but forgot to or just didn't think of until it was too late...
     But for now, let's just call this late-evening, before bed blurb be my re-entry to telling you about all the things that I get myself tangled in. Like finding my books and yarn again. And strengthening friendships that I never thought would be as important as they have become.

     I've missed you, by the way.

Existential crisis?

     I had some stuff happen the other day, where I started questioning my definition of my self.
As I've said, I'm losing weight. At this point, I've lost more than 20 pounds. This is wonderful, and I'm more than proud of myself for sticking with it. But I was looking at myself in a mirror to fix my hair, and I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. I knew it was myself, but something had changed in my face. Something that I still can't put my finger on, and it wasn't what I was expecting to see. This left me off-balance for the rest of the day at work. I mentioned it to a dear friend when we went out for dinner that night, but she really didn't have anything helpful to say. I think she just chalked it up to me "seeing" the weight-loss for the first time.
     After we got home from our wild and crazy adventures of dinner and grocery shopping (We're totally out of control!) I played online for a while before heading upstairs. I was having one of those nights where I didn't want to go to bed, even though I was tired and had to get up in the morning. After reading a short story and playing with my phone, I actually said out loud, "Go to bed, Morgain." This sent me into a philosophical spiral that kept sleep from me for some time.
I didn't recognize my own face in a mirror. I called myself by something other than the name I've used for most of my life. It was like I don't even know who I am anymore. Is this new person who I'm supposed to be right now? Or did I lose myself somewhere along the way. I've said before that I wouldn't undo my mistakes, because I'd lose the good things I gained along with the troubles... But should I take this chance to re-invent myself? Do I want to be whatever I'm becoming? I thought by now I'd know who I was. Now I wonder if I ever will...

Way overdue!

     I know, I know.... It's been over a month. But STUFF has been happening, and it doesn't belong on the internet. And it has been so all-consuming that I didn't have anything else on my mind.
     Instead, let me tell you about my latest attempt at getting healthier! I went out with Paige last weekend, and we both got ourselves a Jawbone UP. It's a fitness band similar to a FitBit. By having something that tracks my daily step-count, I feel more motivated to actually move more often. And Paige and I are able to be "teammates" so we can share whatever daily info we choose with each other. This lets us see whether the other one is making their goals so we can support each other. This is definitely an improvement over having to do it alone.
     I went to the Emergency Room after Memorial Day weekend. We had gone up to Ohiopyle for a lovely day, but the plants up in the mountains are quite different from what we have down in Pittsburgh. So my allergies went haywire and I couldn't breathe. But that's beside the point. I had to step on a scale, and to my major disappointment, my weight had gone back up over 260. I managed to lose two pants sizes since leaving the ex- but due to circumstances leading to poor diet, my pants were getting pretty tight again. Now I know just how bad things were getting. I had to do something.
     My first step was to get back into the habit of eating more than once a day. I've never been a big fan of breakfast first thing when I wake up, but starving myself until dinnertime was not doing me any good. And while a sausage biscuit at McCrack is not the best option, but unless I start getting up at 6am, it's the only way I'm going to be able to eat before work. I just can't stand eating within the first hour of being awake, and I leave home less than 30 minutes after I roll out of bed in the mornings. And I make sure to log it into my UP app, so it can keep track of my nutrition for the day.
     The next thing I've done is, about two weeks ago, I stopped drinking pop. Except when I go out to a sit-down restaurant. Instead, I got a case of bottled water and a bunch of Mio and Dasani water enhancers. They have no calories and, more importantly, no sugar! And I have several flavors that I really like. I drink a lot more now, because it's a lot cheaper than pop, too. 
     Other than keeping track of how much I walk, I haven't really added any exercise yet. I wanted to spend a full week actually seeing what my behavior patterns are before I see what I can do to change them. So far, I'm averaging between 7,000 and 8,000 steps per day. So next week, I'm going to work a lot harder at making the 10,000 step goal that UP recommends. I'm also going to try some simple yoga once a week. A furry who lives a few blocks away loves doing yoga, and has found some easy, beginner poses to help me start with that. We're going to try it out for a few weeks before I decide if I'm going to commit to that, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
     So, today when I came home from work, I randomly stepped on the roommate's scale. It said I weigh 250. That's a ten pound weight loss since Memorial Day! I've been keeping pretty decent track of my eating habits, and my UP tells me that I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in, and all the water I'm drinking is doing a pretty good job of flushing out my system. I don't expect my weight-loss to continue at such an awesome pace, but as long as it keeps going in the same direction, I'll be a happy tiger!
     Oh! And Anthrocon is coming up in just over a week! I'll be doing TONS of walking there! Let's see where my scale sits after mid-July!

Werewolf and yarn

     I haven't been posting much, because really, there hasn't been anything worth talking about. I get up and go to work every day. I come home and work on my scarves for Anthrocon. I spend weekends hanging out with friends. My mind is almost completely dominated by stresses I'm not willing to blog about yet, yarn-craft deadlines, and gaming.
     We finally got everyone in the same place at one time, and were able to play Werewolf. Gods, I keep forgetting how much I love that game. And how much I love my character... It always makes for a good game when everyone else is also having fun, resulting in us forgetting to watch the time and running on far past when we had intended to stop! I kind of miss the days when we used to play until someone literally fell asleep! But this group isn't up for those kind of sessions. But we seem to have a (mostly) functional group, and this might actually last to a complete chronicle! I was pleasantly surprised at how well Cortez did in his first session. He still has to make up his mind if he's going to continue playing, but I hope he does.
     As far as the yarn-craft goes, I'm slowly but steadily working my way through my list of projects. I'd probably be further in my progress if I didn't keep distracting myself by adding new projects!

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H , Ar, and Mo and am more than halfway through N. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work. And he's doing a good job, too!
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE!
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn. I started on a pair, using the fingering weight yarn I got at the Fabric Fair, and a pair of size 0 needles. Such teeny little stitches!
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because." But for now, it's in "time out" until I have the energy to rip back past  a mistake.
• Baby gift for supervisor L
• Baby gifts for Berry I just want to make adorable baby things! And she is the lucky acquaintance who managed to get pregnant at the right time!

     See what I mean? The list just keeps getting longer! But I'm still making things. And finishing them. I'm also forming next  year's to-knit list of big projects. I'm seriously considering a goal of a king-sized afghan and a Doctor Who scarf in the same year!

Lazy Sunday

    I'm loving the transition to twilight shift. I'm sleeping better. I feel better. I have time to think after I get home from work, without feeling trapped and alone. I have time to talk to people after work, when I'm actually feeling alive, rather than trying to juggle everything into very small windows during the evening or late mornings. Then there are weekends...
     Oh, magical weekends... One gets off work on Friday night, and usually wants to spend a few hours with friends. Friday evening is the perfect time to shrug off the accumulated stresses from the work week. Saturday is the day to do things. It's the day to run errands and go to events. And then there is Sunday. Glorious, beautiful, relaxing Sunday, the day to sit around the house doing nothing. Sunday has always felt like a lazy kind of day, but for the last five and a half years, it has been a "work night" which meant going to bed at noon, when everyone else is having a good time. Sunday now is coming to mean sleeping in, eating whenever I feel like it, watching cheesy TV, and naps.
     The Fabric Fair was this weekend. I didn't get any fabric, or much in the way of yarn, but I got quite a haul of crafting books. Especially Christmas crafting. Because either this year or next year, I really want to decorate in a "handmade Christmas" theme. Crocheted lace ornaments, little knitted ornaments, maybe some needlepoint... Those kind of things. I still don't have a star for the tree. Who knows. Maybe after I get my Christmas/Yule decorations in order, I'll start decorating for other holidays!
     Other than that, nothing much has been going on. I'm working and knitting every day. I'm slogging my way through the Element scarves. *shrug* Life goes on, and I'm just going with the flow...

     I feel totally overwhelmed right now. I got the call from Human Resources that I've been waiting for, and I'm starting on the twilight shift on April Fool's Day. I can't wait to have a "normal" schedule again! I miss being able to have social contact during the week, and it's hard to manage cramming everything into Friday and Saturday... Which actually meant all my socialization was happening on Saturdays, because everyone else works on Fridays. But I'm still struggling with the ongoing pain in my legs and back. It has mostly settled into the arthritic aches I'm used to, but there's still the muscle pain that I can't quite explain. Plus, the ongoing drama that comes with living in a house named WTF...
     I'm still mad at the mated pair of roomies, and am waiting to see if they make good on the offer to help pay Unemployed Roomie bills this month. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm making nice, because I can't bring myself to tell them where I want them to go. And I certainly can't afford to pick up their share of the bills as well! They seem to think that I've gotten over my temper-tantrum, but the truth is, I still feel like my opinions don't count to them, and I can't seem to make them understand how that makes me feel.
     Gods... I can't seem to catch a break. If I'm not juggling someone's hurt feelings and neediness, I have my own massive breakdown. I'm hoping to see my doctor when I have my next vacation from work. I need to deal with my yo-yo-ing health. I need to figure out why I can't seem to feel "right" anymore. 
     I feel like I do nothing but rant and whine on this blog. I keep trying to find positive things to talk about, but right now, I don't feel very positive. Instead, I feel like I'm in a sand-pit. No matter how much I try to climb out, the walls just crumble and I fall back to the bottom again. I suppose it's at least good that I know things have to change. I'm not trapped in the soul-crushing depression that I used to feel. 
     And...here come the panic attacks again. I'm going to put on some music and force the roommates to put up with my singing. Then, I will curl up with my comfy blankets and sleep until I'm not tired anymore...

Okay... WHO STOLE MY SPOONS!

     I live every day of my life with arthritis and anxiety. These are invisible illnesses that cause me pain and stress on a regular basis. I spend my energy dealing with this, keeping a smile on my face, and doing my best not to complain about it. Most days, it is easy. Sometimes, it's harder. On my occasional bad days, I can usually fight my through what I must, but tire easily. Anyone who suffers with an invisible illness understands these days of "spoon shortage."
     But this past weekend was something I have no words for. I have been dealing with a lot of stress at home, as I've explained in the last few posts. I knew it was getting to me but I had no idea how bad. I got home from work on Friday morning, looking forward to a fun weekend, including a St Patrick's Day party at the house of some friends. I was going to start my weekend off with a bit of exercise by staying on the bus until it reached a church where I went to daycare as a child, and walking back home. It's not a very stressful walk, and I need the exercise. But while waiting for the bus, my back started hurting. During the ride, my legs started to ache. So I decided that the long walk was not for me that morning.
     I got home and barely made it up to my room. I took some Motrin, crawled into bed, and turned on the TV. I spent the next two days there. It hurt so much, just to walk to the bathroom! Taking a shower was an exercise in willpower. It was bad enough that I had to cancel my plans to go to the party. I see some of my friends less than once a month, and this was the first time I'd see some of them in even longer. But I was held hostage by a body that just would not cooperate. 
     I slept most of the weekend. When Cortez brought home a friend I wanted to meet, I had to insist that person be brought up to my bedroom, because I couldn't even go downstairs to be polite. Knowing that it was still a necessity, I felt awful that I was basically ignoring the normal rules of etiquette. And after everybody left to go to the party, I was asleep again. I didn't even have the energy to play on the computer...
     I went to work last night, thinking that the pain had finally gone away. But, I was wrong. I felt great leaving the house, but standing at the bus stop for ten minutes, my back was in screaming pain again. The leg ache started up about two hours into my shift. I'm back home, and back in bed again. I've tried every over-the-counter painkiller I have. Nothing is taking the edge off this. I'm ready to pull the blankets over my head, and it's not even nine a.m. 
     It looks like I'll be going to bed early again. I hope this gets better soon. I may work night shift, but a doctor's appointment still will mean I'd have to take time off work that I can't afford at this point in time. It looks like only time will tell...

WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.

Running with it anyway

     As I said in the last post, I have become very interested in head covering. I still don't know why I feel compelled to do this, but rather than stew over the why, I decided to listen to the little voice in my head, and just go with it. The reason will show itself eventually. But on day three, I'm excited to see what will happen.

     I made my decision on Saturday.  And only an hour before a friend picked me up to go out. When I told the friends I was out with what I was doing, I got all positive responses. This encouraged me and solidified my decision. So here's what I've come up with so far: I will cover my head with something any time I leave my house, except for when I go to work. I will try to keep covered at home, but I won't stress about it at this point. After all, my home is my home. Where else can I be at my most comfortable? 

     I have a few bandannas I have acquired over the years. I will stick to those for about a month to see if I can actually commit to this. If at the end of May, I am still covering, I will invest in a few nicer scarves and move on from there. I will wait till I am solidly and permanently committed to head covering before discussing my religious position at work. We are not allowed any kind of head-scarf or hats except for medical/religious reasons. I will eventually have to explain a very unusual spiritual call to a very Judeo-Christian establishment. I am willing to make that stand, but not until it's worth it. Why make a huge fuss over something that I might change my mind about as soon as the battle is over?

     I will admit, I felt a little thrill of doing something different when I went to the grocery store this morning. Southside is a neighborhood where you can see almost anything, but I think that head covering is still uncommon enough that I will probably be noticed for a while, until it becomes my normal. I certainly felt unusual walking down the street. It wasn't shame. It wasn't pride. The closest thing I can think of is a type of anxiety, like I was almost waiting for someone to challenge me, or to tell me it didn't look right.

     Knitting update for the day: Random Baby Blanket (that I supposedly started for the Selfish Knitters and Crocheters group Knit-A-Long "April Showers") is making slow but steady progress. I'll have it done before anyone I know has a baby! I still haven't cut more fringe for Midsummer Night's Shawl. I am disappointed in myself for not sitting down to finish it, but I just don't want to. Without any outside motivation, I'm afraid the shawl may sit in limbo until right before Anthrocon. 

     Tomorrow is May 1st. The SKC forum Knit-A-Long theme is "May Flowers" and I will finally force myself to make P her bamboo/silk Tarot bag. I've had the yarn since Christmas, but  since we couldn't pick a pattern, I was letting myself be lazy. She's going to get her bag in simple stockinette so I can participate in the KAL. Bamboo is plant, even if the silk isn't. Although, silkworms do eat plant material, so there.... :P

Stuck in neutral

     It has been hard to motivate myself to blog for the past few days... Probably because nothing interesting has really been happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been getting up and going to work every day. I am trying to eat healthier and almost succeeding at that.

    In the last week, I have only gone out to eat once. And that was this past Friday. Roomie P took me out to cheer me up after we got screwed over again by Roomie C. I'm at a loss for how to deal with him.

     I seem to have hit a wall when it comes to working on my Midsummer Night Shawl. I've completed 28 of 30 pattern repeats. All I need to do is spend one more week working on it full-time, and I'll be done with it! Then I can get the black yarn and fringe the edges and be finished with the first project I'm actually making for myself. But, for the last few days, I look at my yarn and all I can think is, "I don't want to deal with you." So I don't. As much as I want to get this finished in time for Anthrocon, I have no desire to let knitting become a chore for me.

     Roomie P and I are starting to look for housing options for when this lease is up. It's early yet, but I don't have a feel for the local housing market like I did ten years ago. It's hard, wanting something nice like what we have, but knowing this is only affordable because five people are splitting the bills, rather than two. It doesn't help that we are severely limited in our options due to a lack of transportation. Needing to live in walking distance of a grocery store, and making sure we have reliable bus transportation are becoming more and more difficult to accomplish within our budget. I wish I could stumble onto something as perfect for me as the place I found for Blaze and me when we got married. 

     *sigh* Oh well. It's almost 9am on a Sunday. I suppose I ought to go take care of the daily necessities before I have to go to bed in a few hours. I can't wait till I have a vacation...

Oh, sleep... How I miss you...

     Today's warning: This post will be discussing details of my physical and mental health. I'm willing to share this, but not everyone may want to know specifics. I'm inserting a jump, so people have a choice.

I feel like the only one suffering

     I can't take much more. I hate seeing all these people around me who are in love. I hate knowing there are people who are disgustingly happy with each other. I hate feeling this bitterness when I see them touching, or holding hands. The worst is when people spend the night in my apartment, curled up together under one blanket, holding each other safe from the outside world. I don't remember the last time someone wanted to hold me close. I'm sure I don't remember the last person who wanted to protect me from anything.

     I want this to go away. I don't want to be miserable and alone anymore. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not in a hurry to rush in to some ill-thought relationship. I still have no plans to date any time soon. I'm far too unbalanced to make rational decisions in that direction. But the solitary life doesn't have to mean the emotional isolation I feel surround me. I want to have a normal social life, and not worry that I'm over-reacting to the past eight years.

     I'm sure it's not normal to wonder if the people talking to you really like you, or if they're just putting up with you. It's not reasonable to think you have to constantly do favors for people so they will stay your friend. It's not healthy to constantly pretend to be cheerful, because you're sure no one will like you if they know you get depressed. It's not good to hide so no one knows you think like this.

     I want to stop crying. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. I want to be normal and not feel the need to write these incoherent piles of emotion.

Welcome to the tangled mess of my mind

Not that tangles are necessarily a bad thing. Friendships, family, romantic relationships... These can be good things. But sometimes, I feel more like that ball of yarn that the cat got to. A snarly mess, where you can't find beginning or end and don't know where to start.

And that is definitely where I am right now. Where should I start? There are those who would say to begin at the beginning, but that was a long time many stories ago. I think I'll just start with now, and keep moving forward. I'll fill in the gaps in the stories when I notice that information is missing. Because that is just how I think. And sometimes, I insist people know things they have no reason to have learned.

So here's the short version. I'm me. A mess. I have friends and family who put up with me for reasons I have yet to fathom. I knit. A lot. You don't have to be crazy to know me, but it helps. This blog is going to consist of a lot of mental meanderings while I contemplate my life, relationships, and yarn. All three of these things are tangled up to create the mess known as Morgain.