WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.