On how depression is like being drunk

    It amazes me how much depression has remained in my conversations while I'm (temporarily) in a state of relative emotional good health. But maybe that's a good thing. For the record, everything I'm going to say here is based on my own experience. It may help someone else or not. I'm an expert only at what I've lived through.
     I was at a bar this past weekend, talking to some friends, when what should enter the conversation but that one of them was celebrating that he'd recently crawled out of a longer-than-usual depressive funk. After congratulating him on making it through, I decided to show him one of my tricks I use when no one else is around to see what a state I'm in. That led to him asking the question that has lodged in my mind ever since. How can one help someone struggling with depression while being in that very same pit, themselves?
     Today, I came up with the perfect analogy. Helping a depressed person when you're depressed is kind of like two drunks trying to help each other stay standing. It's messy, and awkward, but somehow it still works out. For a while, at least. So here's what I do:
     I keep a folder of pictures in my phone. It's labelled as "Inspiration" and is full of images that have positive comments.

 They remind me in my worst moments that the bad moment I'm in won't last forever.

 They remind me that even though I may question it, I have people who care about me.

 They remind me that even though I'm feeling bad, I can be something good for someone else.

     Because I know that if I can just get through one more day, it'll get better eventually. Even when I'm at my worst, it often makes me feel just a little better to know that I've done something to help someone else.
     I have a best friend. I talk about her enough that I don't think I need to explain how awesome she is again. When I hit my absolute worst points, where I think I'm not worth anything, and don't deserve to have any friends, she manages to make me smile. Even if only for a few minutes. And that is enough to get me through one more day. And when she's in her bad places of a different variety, I do whatever I can. I listen, I commiserate. I make wild, insane plots of cartoonish violence that we will never actually attempt.
     And if I'm merely leaning on another depressed person, while it may not be pretty, eventually one of us will start to feel a little better. And no one has fallen down. Because we're holding each other up.

Just a rant

     I miss you. As much as you say you miss me. You keep asking me to come visit you on the other side of the country. I don't think that is ever going to happen, and I'm trying to come to terms with the unhappy fact that I may never see you again.

     You want me to take time off work, pay airfare and stay with you in a home that is going to make me physically sick because I am allergic to your multiple pets. And then there is your roommate who, although I love them as much as you, is enough to make a saint swear. I've offered to get a hotel in the large city an hour from your home, but you tell me that is too far for you to come to see me. You offer to get me a room at a hotel in your town that is so small you don't even have a pharmacy. I'd have nothing to do except gamble at the casinos where you spend so much of your leisure time.

     I have asked you several times to come visit me. But you say you can't. I don't understand why not. You don't have a job to take time off from. You could visit other relatives and friends other than just me.

     I feel like I just don't matter to you as much as you say. I don't know what to do with this unsettling thought.

The annual holiday melt-down

     But really... I feel like I have this immense weight on my shoulders. No matter what I do, it never seems to get lighter. I do everything I can, but as soon as I think I've got things under control, someone dumps a fresh pile of rocks on top of me. Now, I don't know how to handle what's going on. I struggle so often, not only to be a responsible adult, but also to be a good and supportive friend to those around me.
     Now I find out that I don't just feel taken advantage of. I have been handed proof and an admission that I am. I have a friend that needed some financial help for a while. All I asked was that this person be honest about certain things that were going on. Tonight, I got incontrovertible proof that this person has been lying to me. They promised me that something was going to happen, when they knew the whole time that it wasn't. When I asked direct questions about it, they lied to my face.
     I try and try. I feel like I'm supporting my friends, but I'm not getting the same support in return. I don't know what to do anymore....

WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.

Confused by his reactions...

     It's funny... You say she was a better match for you than I. You loved her more than me. But all I ever heard is how miserable she made you. You'd beg me to convince her to stay with you, and you did for all the things I begged you to do for years...
     I left you, and there were weeks of you crying how miserable and lonely you were. You couldn't wait for me to change my mind and go back to someone who used me up. She left, and you're singing from the rooftops about how happy you are without her.
     Our marriage's death began when you couldn't forgive me for something I almost did, but didn't. You couldn't be quicker to forgive her repeatedly.
     Did you truly love her more? Or was she just the one that made you see how trapped and hurt I was by you? I will never be your wife again, but you know that my love for you will never die. I hated seeing you suffer like that, either time. But just now, I wonder if you truly know what it is to love someone. Or do you only know your own need?

A surprising development

     I don't know what happened, but I'm not going to complain about it. I popped onto OkCupid for a moment last night, and just after I logged out, I got a notification via the mobile app that I had a message. Apparently, a guy I knew when I was in college found me, and was interested. He even had a vague feeling that we knew each other, even though we hadn't seen each other in the past 12 years.
     We're going out on Saturday. I don't know if it's a date-date, or just two old friends catching up after a long time. From talking to him this morning, I don't think he knows either. So we'll just see what happens. He is still rather good looking after all this time. And since I've gotten older, my tastes in men have changed, so he's more in line with what I'm looking for. It's been a long time since I went out with someone my own age, rather than younger than me.

It was a hot, sumer night...

     It's going to be a busy weekend. I'm probably not going to have time to update on my usual day. So I'm going to go ahead and do this early! Friday, I have some shopping to do to get ready for my convention. Saturday is Pride in the Street, and I get to see Melissa Etheridge. Then, I have Anthrocon the following weekend, complete with last-minute freak-outs and mental check-outs.

     Also, this Saturday is International Yarn-bombing Day, so I am working on a top-secret knitting project to "bomb" somewhere downtown. My Ravelry group's KAL for this month is "travel projects" and I will be working on the Loopy Lupie scarves to wear when we do the Lupus walk in September. That counts as "travel" because I'm taking it with me to Anthrocon to work on during whatever down-time I manage to have.

     I was listening to music at work last night, and a song came on that made me remember a random night, and how I failed to take a chance. So, once upon a time...

What friends mean to me

     For a few months, I have wanted to write a blog post about friendship. I don't know where to start. There are so many amazing quotes I have found about friendship, ranging from funny to inspirational. I could list a few of those. I could talk about my friends, and what they have meant to me. I could rattle on about definitions and types of friendships. I'm going to try to focus on what it means to me when I call someone friend. Yes, this will be even more incoherent than usual. I quit trying too hard. It's more important that I get my thoughts out than anything else.
     I realize that people use the word "friend" rather freely. It can mean anything from more-than-acquaintance to a person who is as close as family. But if I refer to someone as a Friend, I am referring to the latter. Friends are my family-by-choice. These are the people I try to spend my time with. These are the people I share my deepest feelings with. A Friend is someone whose feelings are as important to me as my own. In college, I defined a friend as being like a hug: warm, comforting, something you can lean on.
     When I was younger, I used to bemoan the fact that I did not have a lot of friends. I wasn't one of the popular kids. Fortunately, I was not alone. And the friends I did have were more dearly valued for it. By not having dozens of people I called friend, I had the time to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships. As I grew to adulthood, I parted company with many of my childhood friends while making new ones. But the people that have been there through the changes in my life... They hold a special place in my heart. Those are the ones who I can reminisce with. They know my crazy moods and how to handle me.
     As I get older, I'm less concerned with having to find new friends. People will come in and out of my life for as long as they need to be there. Some touch that special place in my heart, and I know they will be here for a long time. These Friends are the ones that make me the person I am.
     When a Friend is having trouble, it's my instinct to try to help them. Often, it's just listening to their problems, but I enjoy being able to do anything to make their life more pleasant. I enjoy doing little things to make my Friends smile, from making a surprise Easter basket to making a pot of coffee. When I can, I like giving small knitted stuff to my friends, or take them out to dinner. I will defend my Friends, with everything I have, if they are being wronged. But I don't support blindly. If I know a Friend is wrong, I will tell them. I will try to do so in private if at all possible, but if necessary, I will call a friend out in whatever manner is needed. And I will defend a Friend whenever that is needed, also. Even if they are not around at the time. I don't let people tell un truths about my friends.
     I guess it comes down to me being the kind of friend I want my friends to be toward me: loyal, generous, considerate, honest...As I grow older and less dependent on my family-by-birth, I rely more on those who I have made my family-by-choice, and I strive to be as good, and fair, to them as I can be, because they are that important to me.
     I don't know. I've rattled on about this for about a week. I've lost any ability to be coherent. This is what you get from me when I spend too much time on something. It's the best I can do, the same as I'd give any friend.

I'm not angry

     It was a very strange thing... I woke up one day not long ago and realized that suddenly, I no longer hold any ill feelings toward Blaze. When I left him, I actually hated him. Then I was angry, and hurt, and sad. But overnight, it was all gone. I still miss him and the relationship we had when things were good. 

     I know I can't go back to being with him, nor do I want to. While I miss having the closeness, I enjoy not having to take care of someone else. Both of us have grown just enough that we can't turn back. Now, this most recent past-relationship will join all the others as another bittersweet something to reminisce. 

     I still don't know what I want for my future, but I am finally taking the time to enjoy myself and my journey through life. It's like I'm learning to feel new emotions all over again, after suppressing everything. Every time I learn something about myself, it's like a treasure that I can't wait to share. But for now, I'm going to go revel in the idea that I've finally let go of something that was holding me back from healing, and look forward to the next step on my fantastic adventure.

     On a different subject, I got my Midsummer Night's Shawl off the needles. I started adding the fringe, and have gotten maybe 1/5 of it fringed. I decided to add one strand of black sparkle yarn to the turquoise in the fringe. It is a stark and sudden addition of color, but it also looks amazing. I will post a picture as soon as I remember to get someone to help me out with taking pics.

Leaving you was easier than being gone

     Not that I'd ever contemplate going back. But yesterday, I was thinking and I realized that I don't really like living with roommates, but I don't want to live alone, either. It might just be that there are so many people living at the Creatively Named Furry House, and I need to live with only one or two roommates, rather than four. But I also spent much of my night at work fending off the wave of lonely.

     My internet radio decided to spend the night playing every song ever recorded to remind me that I'm single again. The worst offender was "Break Down Here". I heard both versions last night, Trace Adkins's and Julie Robert's. It's so hard dealing with this. Most days, I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm moving forward. I'm making plans for an actual future and following through with them. Then days like yesterday happen. Days where I just want someone to hug, to sit next to while watching TV, to exist with while doing separate things in general closeness to each other.

      I don't know. I suppose there was a comfort factor, knowing that he was there. When he wasn't telling me how useless I was or what a screw-up I was, Blaze did tell me he loved me. And in his warped way, I think he did. But it was so unhealthy. But I still miss it. This realization is what keeps me lonely. I know that while I feel this need to feel romantic love, I will make bad decisions and rush into another unhealthy relationship just to fill that void.

     I was talking to one guy I met online. We have met in person, and there was definitely some chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, when I had made up my mind to indulge myself in a casual, no-strings affair, he started getting very manipulative and trying to pressure me into doing things that I have no intention of doing. So nothing has happened, and now, nothing is going to happen. And it's all his fault, because I told him what I expected  and needed from him, but he can't give me the space I need. So I won't give him any more of my time. It's his loss, because I know I'm totally worth the wait.
     So I'm sitting in my bedroom, spending my morning on the internet, yet again. People keep telling me to get out and meet people, but it's not easy to do when I work nights, and most people are at work in the mornings. The people I'm most likely to meet at 10am during the week are probably not the best dating material. And my social circle is so small, and I still struggle with social anxiety. I don't know. I guess all there is to do is to just keep going through the days. I wasn't looking when I met the man I married. I had given up to despair when I was given the opportunity to find myself again. I'm sure that if I just keep going and trust the forces of the universe, I will eventually find the right person for the next phase of my life.

I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

Stupid Hallmark holidays...

     Yep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've done everything I could to avoid it. But the TV keeps shoving it in my face. And my happy friends are talking about their special plans for their partners. I'd really rather not deal with this right now. I don't need my ALONE-ness shoved in my face, when I am having enough trouble dealing with it.

     In some ways, grieving a marriage is harder than mourning a person's death. When a person dies abruptly, you know there is nothing you could have done to change it. Sickness, accident, violence... These are enemies we cannot fight. But apathy, anger, disgust, rejection... These are things we're supposed to be able to overcome. I don't even know why the idea of Valentine's Day even bothers me. I was single for so long, it lost almost all meaning. Then, when I did have somebody, it didn't even matter. He didn't really seem to get the idea. Don't get me wrong. He got it right one year. That would be the time he got me a deep fryer as a gift, and made me a dinner of all my favorite fried foods. But most of the time he didn't even bother. Probably because I was so angry at his thoughtlessness at the last Valentine gift he gave me.

     I had been complaining about having gained more weight than I wanted. My clothes were starting to not fit. So I made a big deal of explaining that I was going to eliminate candy and sugar from my diet, as well as try to include more fruits and vegetables instead of the pasta I usually ate. So when this time of year came around, he brought home three pounds of chocolate. There was one box containing two whole pounds of chocolate covered cherries, and another box holding an assortment of chocolate candies. That I could not eat. That I had said I could not eat. So he set the boxes on the table where we dropped everything as we came in the door, saying he would eat them. I'm still not sure how the three pounds of chocolate ended up buried under a pile of papers, but when I found them about six months later, they were now two boxes of moldy, melted, gross chocolate. Never again did he bother to do anything for me on Valentine's Day. Never made me a dinner. Never bought me a card. Never even mentioned that he knew it was Valentine's.

     So, I don't know why this bothers me. I guess it's that all of this "celebrate love" crap I see everywhere makes me feel like I've failed in some way. Like the failure of my marriage makes me a failure as a woman. I know this is not true, but it doesn't make me feel better.

     My "totally reasonable response" to this? I'm going to go to Payless and buy myself some new shoes. Then I'm going to get myself some chocolates and take myself to lunch. Maybe buy myself a drink. Who knows. Maybe I'll take myself home and see what happens? (just kidding)

Why did I try to be nice? NSFW

     Interesting bit of gossip learned yesterday. Apparently, Blaze is "ok with me leaving him" because I was boring in bed. Funny. If I was so boring, why did he complain that I didn't want to sleep with him more often? And why is it that for the last several months, he refused to sleep with me at all? Oh well. Not my problem. I have a sex life again. And it's certainly not "boring".
     I realize that I was not exactly the most charitable person toward Blaze for the first month or so after leaving him. But since then, I've actually been coming to his defense far more than I ever thought I would. And why? Because I am trying to be a decent person. And here, I learn that he's been busy bad-mouthing me to our friends? And just being an absolute heel.
     I'm done. I'm not going to be nice anymore. I tried inviting him to the furry parties I host. He lost most of his social circle when I left, and I was trying not to exclude him from the social activities of a group we both belong to. But he wouldn't come "because he isn't ready to be social with me". At least that's what he told me. He told another friend that it is because of roomie P. I have a friend who told me he spent hours trying to get her into bed. On the day they first met!
     What a dick! I'm so glad to be rid of him!  </rant>

Thing A Day and other things

     We'll start with the knitting. Because it's easier. As you can see from my knitmeter at the bottom of the page, I've crossed the half mile point. I guess my resolution to knit a mile of yarn this year was too easy. I'm moving along like a knitting machine when it comes to the Thing A Day. I've already got a little pile of washcloths building up. With only one problem. I'm having so much fun with this, I just keep going. When I finish one washcloth, I just turn around and cast on a new one! I have finished about seven so far, meaning I will likely run out of cotton before I run out of February! But 29 items in 29 days is the important part, right? Even if I get them all done in less than that? I may pull out some RHSS yarn to make two-strand potholders if I run out of cotton... I mean really. I bought 10 balls of it, thinking that would be enough.
     In the meanwhile, I picked up the Red Heart Shimmer in turquoise to make my Midsummer's Night Shawl. It's an easier pattern than I thought it would be, and it seems to work up rather quickly. And it's such a pretty, sparkly yarn! And I only got to buy it so soon because I had to go deal with another entanglement.
     I was in a chat room with several friends, when K revealed that she was in a difficult emotional space. She also recently left her husband, and the friends she is staying with can't seem to comprehend the difficulties of walking away from your entire life. It doesn't help that they feel the "know what's best for her" and are pushing very hard for her to jump out and get back on her feet, without any allowance for the very necessary grieving that comes from such a change in lifestyle. So we mounted an "emotional rescue mission" to bring her to the Creatively Named Furry House for the weekend. While I am thrilled to be able to help, I can't actually do anything for her. It's so frustrating!

I feel like the only one suffering

     I can't take much more. I hate seeing all these people around me who are in love. I hate knowing there are people who are disgustingly happy with each other. I hate feeling this bitterness when I see them touching, or holding hands. The worst is when people spend the night in my apartment, curled up together under one blanket, holding each other safe from the outside world. I don't remember the last time someone wanted to hold me close. I'm sure I don't remember the last person who wanted to protect me from anything.

     I want this to go away. I don't want to be miserable and alone anymore. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not in a hurry to rush in to some ill-thought relationship. I still have no plans to date any time soon. I'm far too unbalanced to make rational decisions in that direction. But the solitary life doesn't have to mean the emotional isolation I feel surround me. I want to have a normal social life, and not worry that I'm over-reacting to the past eight years.

     I'm sure it's not normal to wonder if the people talking to you really like you, or if they're just putting up with you. It's not reasonable to think you have to constantly do favors for people so they will stay your friend. It's not healthy to constantly pretend to be cheerful, because you're sure no one will like you if they know you get depressed. It's not good to hide so no one knows you think like this.

     I want to stop crying. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. I want to be normal and not feel the need to write these incoherent piles of emotion.

Stumbling through life

     As I have mentioned before, my sister has lupus. For those who may not know what lupus is, it's an auto-immune disorder, where the body begins attacking its own organs. Yeah, your immune system basically gets really hyperactive and confuses your lungs with the flu! Actually, it can attack any organ, including the brain or the heart. There is no cure. And it can be fatal. BUT, it doesn't have to be. So, said sister has been trying for some time to do her best to try raising awareness of this life-threatening disease. And I like the idea of trying to help her, so we started a Facebook group for the friends and family of those who have been diagnosed with lupus. If you're interested in supporting those who support lupies, it is at Someone I Love Has Lupus.

     This all started a few months ago when she said she wanted to start a blog. After weeks of discussing format, we began discussing a name for her blog. She wanted to use her blog to spread awareness, but didn't want to be solely as someone with lupus. Then she got intimidated about how difficult it would be to actually write a blog. So I was conned into starting this blog you are reading. Yesterday, she tells me she is contemplating having a group for family members of lupies, so they could have a place to share what they are going through, caring for someone else. She understood that caregivers/emotional supporters would need a place to talk about how difficult their family can be. Then this morning, she told me it's all my baby! *sigh*

     It seems I tend to fall backwards into things in this life. From getting hired at a job after applying for a lower-paying position, to becoming my sister's reluctant champion, I don't know what I did, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Family, Friends and Facebook

     You know, it's funny. I was married, and I thought my world was supposed to revolve around my husband. When people close to me had a problem with him, I stopped spending time with them. He didn't work. He didn't have a bus pass. He didn't have the same opportunities I had to get out of the house that I did. So when I got an invitation to go somewhere, if he wasn't welcome, I didn't go. This resulted in me distancing myself from most of my friends and family. I let myself become convinced that my family didn't care about me because they didn't offer to come get us for the holidays without me having to ask. So I had nothing to do with the family, except for funerals, for all that time. And even those were a challenge to handle. I wasn't able to share my grief with family because he didn't want to be around them.

     I didn't realize until it was almost too late that I had not spoken to an aunt, uncle, or cousin in five years. I held a grudge against my father for not approving of my spouse. I had pushed away more friends than I can count because they didn't want to have to constantly pick us up to go do things. No one wanted to have to pay for us all the time because I never had any money to spare after paying the bills and buying what he needed every time I got paid.

     I'm going to TRY to be nice about this while still telling the truth. I didn't believe that he could be doing this on purpose. So that he would be the only person I had to turn to for everything. But three things saved me from that. Family that believed I would see the light, so they could help me. Friends who cared enough to stick around no matter how much of a  pain I was. And Facebook, which allowed me to have a lifeline. A way to say how awful I felt, so those I was pushing away could see how much I didn't really mean it. It took a long time, but finally, the right people stumbled into my life. They understood the pain I was hiding. They knew just what to say to show they cared. They gave me the room to make my own decision to leave that unhealthy place in my life, along with an open door.

     This holiday season, I am so very grateful to the friends and family in my life. Not all of them will ever understand this. I am trying to show it whenever I can, in what little ways I can. I hope they know that I think of them often, after each smile. Or when I stop laughing at something. They are the reason I am able to feel and express freely. It is so wonderful not to walk on eggshells, worrying that I'm going to upset him with my selfish desire to have time with friends.

     And to anyone in a situation similar to mine, I just want you to know you are not alone. There is someone in your life WAITING for you to want their love and help. And there is someone you don't even know who shared your pain, wishing they could make it all go away...