Alexander does dumb stuff!

     Geek rant time! I haven't blogged in a month, because there isn't much in my head that I'm willing to share. But with last week's twelve-hour Werewolf game, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. I will now go into nauseating detail about today's session. For those who do not enjoy role-playing geekery, I'm sorry. Try again next time?

Updates on the Resolutions

     I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
     After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
     This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
    So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
     This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
     I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.

New Year, and a new computer!

     I'm back! I finally have my own computer, so I can start making regular posts again. And since my return to the internet coincides with the New Year's, I think I'll start going back to posting by listing my New Year's resolutions and how I feel about them.

1. Knit/crochet four miles of yarn. Last year, my goal was one mile, but I knitted over three miles. I'm going to try for more this year. I'll call anything a success, but it never hurts to push yourself.
2. Knit myself a sweater. I've wanted to do this since I started knitting. It's time for me to step up and do it. I have the yarn, now I just need to buy the new needles I need.
3. Start being more selfish. I spend far too much time worrying about the people around me, and not enough time worrying about myself. It's high time I stopped putting everyone else's comfort ahead of my own.

I have a list of knitting projects I want to work on this year. It might help me to have my goals better defined than last year.

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again.
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point?
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.

     I'm sure I have other goals I will want to meet over the next 12 months, but goal-setting for my knitting makes the most sense to me. Lifestyle changes are easier to make at other times of the year, when I feel less pressure if I stumble along the way. I am still working at eating healthier. I am still making slow, but steady progress at losing weight. I haven't had much luck at dealing with stress, but I like to think I'm improving when it comes to my communication skills. 
     So, yeah, those are my goals or 2013. Here's to my annual attempt to become a better me. Of course, I'll update as I meet my goal, or if I decide to discard any of them.

I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

My year 2011 in review

     I think I'll join the rest of the world in a brief look back, before I begin looking forward again. 2011 has been quite a year for me.

     In a moment of weak-mindedness, I thought it would be a great idea to be on the Anthrocon staff. OK, so it was a good idea. I got the chance to meet a lot of great new furries. I don't get the chance to enjoy the convention in the same way as I'm used to, but who really needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or more while sitting on the sidewalk? I never really went to a lot of panels. And I get to meet so many artists!

     Actually, I took it upon myself to start getting more active in Pittsburgh's local furry community. In the fall, roomie P and I took over organizing the local furmeets. I enjoy being able to ensure at least one furmeet I can actually get to. I had the opportunity to get closer to acquaintances that I managed to turn into friends. During all that time I was being told no one cared about me, there was a group of people wishing I could find the time to hang out with them. And boy was I glad to know these people were around!

     Because in August, I'd had it. I was just DONE with Blaze's crap. I was finished with not being able to pay the bills. I was finished with having to come home from work, do all the shopping, try to get the apartment clean, take care of myself, feed the lazy fox who would rather complain about being hungry than cook food that was in the pantry. It was too much to want to be able to knit or play XBox. I didn't need to pursue any hobbies. I just needed to do everything for him... </rant> Yeah.... So when certain good friends told me there was an extra room in the apartment they were moving to, I actually seized the opportunity, and moved the hell out. I had every intention of starting over with one suitcase of clothes, and nothing else. But I not only got almost everything I needed, I actually have a pretty decent life now.

     So with this year coming to a close, I can safely say that while it was a rough one, at least it was a good one. My resolution for the coming year is to remember to think of myself. I resolve to put myself first more often. I will not worry about taking care of others to my own detriment. Here's to hoping that 2012 is a little smoother for us all.