WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.

Back to your regularly un-scheduled post...

     Wow! I have been whiny lately! Let's change that by talking about positive stuff
     I've been hard at work on my Thing A Day projects. I'm up to about 18-ish washcloths on the 15th. And there has been at least one every day. I'm up to .65 mile of knit/crochet for the year. I'm right on track for my four mile goal in 2013.
     One of my corsets came in the mail the other day. It looks amazing on me! The only problem with it is that it fits! I should have gotten it one size smaller... But the other two on back-order are the smaller size, so that's good. And the shoes I bought online fit right. Life is actually going surprisingly well for a change.
    I have a three-day weekend, and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest! I'm going to make myself some delicious shepherd's pie for lunch and have yummy leftovers for later in the week, because this time I'm not going to share it with a houseful of people! Well, maybe Cortez. Because he gets such a silly smile when I cook for him. Then, Scotch is coming over, as he does every weekend. He asked me to teach him to read his tarot cards. Just wait till he finds out what a difficult task-mistress I am! I was nice to him while teaching knitting!
     Speaking of teaching knitting, I think Silver is supposed to come over tomorrow for another knitting lesson. He says it's easy. I need to see how he's doing, and teach him how to purl. There are a few techniques he needs to learn besides the basic knit stitch... But I think I'll have him knitting himself a nice scarf for his textile arts class in no time!
     Sunday, I have no work and no plans! I'm sure I can find a way to fill my time, but I'm looking forward to the idea of actual leisure! If nothing else, I'll crank out a few more washcloths this weekend! And maybe get some more work done on Sage's poncho.

A surprising development

     I don't know what happened, but I'm not going to complain about it. I popped onto OkCupid for a moment last night, and just after I logged out, I got a notification via the mobile app that I had a message. Apparently, a guy I knew when I was in college found me, and was interested. He even had a vague feeling that we knew each other, even though we hadn't seen each other in the past 12 years.
     We're going out on Saturday. I don't know if it's a date-date, or just two old friends catching up after a long time. From talking to him this morning, I don't think he knows either. So we'll just see what happens. He is still rather good looking after all this time. And since I've gotten older, my tastes in men have changed, so he's more in line with what I'm looking for. It's been a long time since I went out with someone my own age, rather than younger than me.

What friends mean to me

     For a few months, I have wanted to write a blog post about friendship. I don't know where to start. There are so many amazing quotes I have found about friendship, ranging from funny to inspirational. I could list a few of those. I could talk about my friends, and what they have meant to me. I could rattle on about definitions and types of friendships. I'm going to try to focus on what it means to me when I call someone friend. Yes, this will be even more incoherent than usual. I quit trying too hard. It's more important that I get my thoughts out than anything else.
     I realize that people use the word "friend" rather freely. It can mean anything from more-than-acquaintance to a person who is as close as family. But if I refer to someone as a Friend, I am referring to the latter. Friends are my family-by-choice. These are the people I try to spend my time with. These are the people I share my deepest feelings with. A Friend is someone whose feelings are as important to me as my own. In college, I defined a friend as being like a hug: warm, comforting, something you can lean on.
     When I was younger, I used to bemoan the fact that I did not have a lot of friends. I wasn't one of the popular kids. Fortunately, I was not alone. And the friends I did have were more dearly valued for it. By not having dozens of people I called friend, I had the time to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships. As I grew to adulthood, I parted company with many of my childhood friends while making new ones. But the people that have been there through the changes in my life... They hold a special place in my heart. Those are the ones who I can reminisce with. They know my crazy moods and how to handle me.
     As I get older, I'm less concerned with having to find new friends. People will come in and out of my life for as long as they need to be there. Some touch that special place in my heart, and I know they will be here for a long time. These Friends are the ones that make me the person I am.
     When a Friend is having trouble, it's my instinct to try to help them. Often, it's just listening to their problems, but I enjoy being able to do anything to make their life more pleasant. I enjoy doing little things to make my Friends smile, from making a surprise Easter basket to making a pot of coffee. When I can, I like giving small knitted stuff to my friends, or take them out to dinner. I will defend my Friends, with everything I have, if they are being wronged. But I don't support blindly. If I know a Friend is wrong, I will tell them. I will try to do so in private if at all possible, but if necessary, I will call a friend out in whatever manner is needed. And I will defend a Friend whenever that is needed, also. Even if they are not around at the time. I don't let people tell un truths about my friends.
     I guess it comes down to me being the kind of friend I want my friends to be toward me: loyal, generous, considerate, honest...As I grow older and less dependent on my family-by-birth, I rely more on those who I have made my family-by-choice, and I strive to be as good, and fair, to them as I can be, because they are that important to me.
     I don't know. I've rattled on about this for about a week. I've lost any ability to be coherent. This is what you get from me when I spend too much time on something. It's the best I can do, the same as I'd give any friend.

There's magic in the night...

     Come along, children. It's Tiger's Story Hour. Sit down and I'll tell you about a snag I refuse to unravel.

     Once upon a time, I had a very dear friend named Jeff. Jeff had a truck. It was ugly as sin, the color of deli mustard. We called it The Beast. For a while, I had no job and no money, but he did. So Jeff would pick me up at my mom's house and we'd go...everywhere! Jeff and I both loved Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. So we'd play music while we drove, often singing along. "Only the Good Die Young" and "Thunder Road" were Jeff's songs to me. I kind of took advantage of how much he loved me then, but that's another story for another time.

     So there was this one sunny, summer day... I'd kicked my shoes off and laid back in the passenger seat with the window down, when it struck me as a good idea to hang my feet out the window as we drove down the parkway. Jeff told me to get my naked toes inside. My response was that they weren't naked, I had nail polish on them. We were arguing about the questionable "indecency" of me showing my bare feet to the world when suddenly, Jeff burst into song along with The Boss "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright. And that's alright with me." We both burst out laughing at the timing, but I joined in and we kept on singing.

     Looking back, that was one of the best summers of my life. A lot has in the 16 years since that summer day. People have come and gone from my life. I've moved more times than I care to count. Romances have begun and ended. I'm a grown-up now, with responsibilities. I have to go to work rather than jump into the car and just drive. After living more, I better understand what the songs we listened to, and feel many of the same emotions that the singers were trying to convey.

     Jeff is gone now, taken from us by an unfortunate accident. I don't know whatever happened to that ugly Beast. I miss them both. But on sunny days when I'm riding in a different friend's car, I long to hang my naked toes out the window and sing along with the radio. In those moments, I feel a shadow of the happiness I shared with Jeff. I'm still not a beauty, but there's still magic in the night. And that's all right with me.

Repeating Patterns and Baby Steps

     I've been in a pretty bad "poor-me" funk of late. I'm looking at the holding pattern in my life and seeing myself as being lonely, and apart from the world. I've been feeling miserable and thinking there is nothing I can do to change it. Then something small happens to remind me that I am moving forward. I am not lonely, I am alone. I set myself apart from the rest of the world, because I am remembering what a wonderful person I am.

      This song came on the radio at work last night. It helped, like it always does. Also, an old friend from my attempt at college managed to find me on Facebook. It seems like every time I get into this pattern, a new person from my past surfaces to remind me that I'm doing good.
     So today, I'm going to tell myself how good I'm doing! In the last six months:

• I'm getting so much better at my knitting. Now that I'm not being yelled at for wanting to knit, I can just sit and enjoy my time playing with yarn.
• I'm getting healthier. I can afford to go to the doctor, and pay for medications that are prescribed for me. I also eat more than once a day, and have time to relax.
• I'm not really a slob. Admittedly, I probably could be better at housekeeping, but the reason my old place stayed a mess wasn't all my fault. I have a floor at CNFH (Creatively Names Furry House)! And clean clothes every day! All it took was having access to a washer/dryer and roommates who are willing to do their share toward keeping a nice house.
• I learned that my friends are around me because they want to be, not because they have to be.
• I am learning not to be a doormat. I like doing things for other people, but I will not be taken advantage of anymore.

     That's a pretty decent list, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm going to go transfer my bedsheets from the washer to the dryer, go cook some lunch, then get a shower before I resume knitting for the rest of the day. Because after doing chores, I deserve to play with my pretty yarn! Oh, and here's a pic of the Midsummer Night's Shawl I'm working on:

Sometimes *I* need the hug

     Congratulations. You have bad days. Your paycheck was short. Your tax return got rejected. You can't pay your bills. 

     Well guess what? I got sent home a lot in the last month. Today's paycheck was $100 short of the usual amount. Last check? Even smaller. 

     But guess what else? I went without luxuries. I paid my bills and bought food. No trips to the State store or the beer distributor for me! And last month, I paid the utilities before anyone had the money to pay for them. I had to wait for everyone to pay me back. Well... Not everyone. One person still owes me for the bills paid in January. So this month, when the bills came due, only one person has paid up. The others? Left me hanging in the wind. Because obviously, I don't want to spend my money on anything. I'm used to doing without. I mean, Roomie C even had the nerve to act surprised that I had the bills hanging on the fridge for over two weeks. Am I really supposed to chase everyone around the house, begging them to pay their bills??

     And this is after months of me having to clean up after everybody. None of the boys will lift a finger to do anything around this house unless I threaten them. Having a party at CNFH? Sage & Morgain will clean up for it? After the party? Morgain will take care of everything when she gets up in the morning.

     After the St Patrick's party that Roomie C is "throwing" (I've done most of the planning, leg work) I'm seriously considering a moratorium on guests of any sort. If you don't pay monthly rent, floor space can be rented out at $20/night/person. And you will still be expected to clean up after yourself.

     I'm sick of taking care of everyone else. It makes me feel good to know that I've brightened the day/life of the people I live with. But when only one of them ever does anything in return? I'm not appreciated. I'm being taken advantage of. When I see a roommate having a bad day, I try to do something to make it better. A cup of coffee, a snack, a smile, a joke...whatever it takes. Roomie sees me walking around the apartment with tears in my eyes, complaining about how I'm on the ragged edge and feel like I'm about to break, he does nothing. Whatever.

I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

Thing A Day and other things

     We'll start with the knitting. Because it's easier. As you can see from my knitmeter at the bottom of the page, I've crossed the half mile point. I guess my resolution to knit a mile of yarn this year was too easy. I'm moving along like a knitting machine when it comes to the Thing A Day. I've already got a little pile of washcloths building up. With only one problem. I'm having so much fun with this, I just keep going. When I finish one washcloth, I just turn around and cast on a new one! I have finished about seven so far, meaning I will likely run out of cotton before I run out of February! But 29 items in 29 days is the important part, right? Even if I get them all done in less than that? I may pull out some RHSS yarn to make two-strand potholders if I run out of cotton... I mean really. I bought 10 balls of it, thinking that would be enough.
     In the meanwhile, I picked up the Red Heart Shimmer in turquoise to make my Midsummer's Night Shawl. It's an easier pattern than I thought it would be, and it seems to work up rather quickly. And it's such a pretty, sparkly yarn! And I only got to buy it so soon because I had to go deal with another entanglement.
     I was in a chat room with several friends, when K revealed that she was in a difficult emotional space. She also recently left her husband, and the friends she is staying with can't seem to comprehend the difficulties of walking away from your entire life. It doesn't help that they feel the "know what's best for her" and are pushing very hard for her to jump out and get back on her feet, without any allowance for the very necessary grieving that comes from such a change in lifestyle. So we mounted an "emotional rescue mission" to bring her to the Creatively Named Furry House for the weekend. While I am thrilled to be able to help, I can't actually do anything for her. It's so frustrating!

Living the life I have

     I realize that my posts are quickly becoming more and more sporadic, but I have a very good reason. I've actually been living my life, rather than talking about living. I'm having a great time hosting our monthly furry parties. This last one was something special.

     We had between 30 and 40 people show up at our apartment on Friday the 13th. I'm just lucky that they all didn't feel the need to spend the night as was expected. I got to meet so many people that I talk to online, as well as a few completely new people.

     That Saturday, I spent much of the day hanging out with a few of the people who stayed after breakfast. As an added bonus, it was a group of girls who stayed. It's been too long since I hung out with a group of women. Nothing really special happened other than a feeling of closeness and camaraderie.

     The other thing I've been doing a lot of is knitting. And I do mean a lot. I passed the halfway point on the purple camouflage shawl I'm knitting for my sister. I'm still not positive about the dimensions I've set, but it's a little too late. Besides, it's already using up more yarn than I'd allotted for it. I'm now debating fringe vs. border. I'm leaning towards a purple fringe, but I won't know till I get enough yarn to finish the shawl. No sense planning the finishing touches till I've actually gotten that far!

     Now, I'm off to do more laundry, since the cat was tunneling through my blankets last night.

My year 2011 in review

     I think I'll join the rest of the world in a brief look back, before I begin looking forward again. 2011 has been quite a year for me.

     In a moment of weak-mindedness, I thought it would be a great idea to be on the Anthrocon staff. OK, so it was a good idea. I got the chance to meet a lot of great new furries. I don't get the chance to enjoy the convention in the same way as I'm used to, but who really needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or more while sitting on the sidewalk? I never really went to a lot of panels. And I get to meet so many artists!

     Actually, I took it upon myself to start getting more active in Pittsburgh's local furry community. In the fall, roomie P and I took over organizing the local furmeets. I enjoy being able to ensure at least one furmeet I can actually get to. I had the opportunity to get closer to acquaintances that I managed to turn into friends. During all that time I was being told no one cared about me, there was a group of people wishing I could find the time to hang out with them. And boy was I glad to know these people were around!

     Because in August, I'd had it. I was just DONE with Blaze's crap. I was finished with not being able to pay the bills. I was finished with having to come home from work, do all the shopping, try to get the apartment clean, take care of myself, feed the lazy fox who would rather complain about being hungry than cook food that was in the pantry. It was too much to want to be able to knit or play XBox. I didn't need to pursue any hobbies. I just needed to do everything for him... </rant> Yeah.... So when certain good friends told me there was an extra room in the apartment they were moving to, I actually seized the opportunity, and moved the hell out. I had every intention of starting over with one suitcase of clothes, and nothing else. But I not only got almost everything I needed, I actually have a pretty decent life now.

     So with this year coming to a close, I can safely say that while it was a rough one, at least it was a good one. My resolution for the coming year is to remember to think of myself. I resolve to put myself first more often. I will not worry about taking care of others to my own detriment. Here's to hoping that 2012 is a little smoother for us all.

Family, Friends and Facebook

     You know, it's funny. I was married, and I thought my world was supposed to revolve around my husband. When people close to me had a problem with him, I stopped spending time with them. He didn't work. He didn't have a bus pass. He didn't have the same opportunities I had to get out of the house that I did. So when I got an invitation to go somewhere, if he wasn't welcome, I didn't go. This resulted in me distancing myself from most of my friends and family. I let myself become convinced that my family didn't care about me because they didn't offer to come get us for the holidays without me having to ask. So I had nothing to do with the family, except for funerals, for all that time. And even those were a challenge to handle. I wasn't able to share my grief with family because he didn't want to be around them.

     I didn't realize until it was almost too late that I had not spoken to an aunt, uncle, or cousin in five years. I held a grudge against my father for not approving of my spouse. I had pushed away more friends than I can count because they didn't want to have to constantly pick us up to go do things. No one wanted to have to pay for us all the time because I never had any money to spare after paying the bills and buying what he needed every time I got paid.

     I'm going to TRY to be nice about this while still telling the truth. I didn't believe that he could be doing this on purpose. So that he would be the only person I had to turn to for everything. But three things saved me from that. Family that believed I would see the light, so they could help me. Friends who cared enough to stick around no matter how much of a  pain I was. And Facebook, which allowed me to have a lifeline. A way to say how awful I felt, so those I was pushing away could see how much I didn't really mean it. It took a long time, but finally, the right people stumbled into my life. They understood the pain I was hiding. They knew just what to say to show they cared. They gave me the room to make my own decision to leave that unhealthy place in my life, along with an open door.

     This holiday season, I am so very grateful to the friends and family in my life. Not all of them will ever understand this. I am trying to show it whenever I can, in what little ways I can. I hope they know that I think of them often, after each smile. Or when I stop laughing at something. They are the reason I am able to feel and express freely. It is so wonderful not to walk on eggshells, worrying that I'm going to upset him with my selfish desire to have time with friends.

     And to anyone in a situation similar to mine, I just want you to know you are not alone. There is someone in your life WAITING for you to want their love and help. And there is someone you don't even know who shared your pain, wishing they could make it all go away...