A discovery of self

     Confession time: I've never been the neatest person.Trust me, I've felt nothing but shame over it, but I just felt there was nothing I could do to change it, no matter how hard I tried. Even living with roommates who helped share the load of housework, nothing seemed to be enough.
     Now, I live alone and guess what! While the apartment isn't ready for magazine covers, it's a far cry from the messes I've lived in for the last ten years. I've spent the last month trying to budget enough money to replace cleaning supplies and make sure everything has a proper space, rather than in piles of "I'll get to it later." I even found myself cleaning the toilet, not because it was especially disgusting, but because it has been a month and I wanted to stay ahead of stuff.
     I'm just happy to see that it really hasn't been my fault for all this time!

Even if it kills me....

     I'm working really hard at this weight loss thing. I'm struggling with managing my calorie intake and portion control. I'm wearing my Jawbone UP every day and trying to manage my 10,000 step goal. I haven't really succeeded very well with either. But every day is an improvement over how I was living my life only two months ago.
     I bought the Zombies, Run app on the advice of a friend, and she was right. It is amazing! It really doesn't take much to turn exercise into something fun. The story line is compelling enough that I try to turn it on any time I'm walking more than four blocks and have nobody with me.
     Weekly yoga with Sage and Yitters is a good idea, but I have yet to see any success out of that. Of course, the first week was just that. A first. The week after that was Anthrocon, so we skipped that week in favor of the convention. Last week, I was just too hungover and anything that involved too much pressure on my stomach was dangerous. I got through maybe a third before I had to crap out. But as a reaction to that, I pulled out some of my favorite poses and am trying to do a fifteen minute workout at least once or twice a week, by myself. It's dreadfully simple and really doesn't have me doing any real stretching. But the point is that I'm conditioning myself to make a point of regular exercise. Eventually, I'll step that up, along with my walking.
     When I get better internet and cable, I'm going to get back into watching Doctor Who. I found a highly amusing DW exercise game that should make working out really easy to do, as well as something I'll rarely have trouble scheduling! I have to steal it from the website where I found it, and post it here so I can always find it. But that's an adventure for another time...

Back to your regularly un-scheduled post...

     Wow! I have been whiny lately! Let's change that by talking about positive stuff
     I've been hard at work on my Thing A Day projects. I'm up to about 18-ish washcloths on the 15th. And there has been at least one every day. I'm up to .65 mile of knit/crochet for the year. I'm right on track for my four mile goal in 2013.
     One of my corsets came in the mail the other day. It looks amazing on me! The only problem with it is that it fits! I should have gotten it one size smaller... But the other two on back-order are the smaller size, so that's good. And the shoes I bought online fit right. Life is actually going surprisingly well for a change.
    I have a three-day weekend, and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest! I'm going to make myself some delicious shepherd's pie for lunch and have yummy leftovers for later in the week, because this time I'm not going to share it with a houseful of people! Well, maybe Cortez. Because he gets such a silly smile when I cook for him. Then, Scotch is coming over, as he does every weekend. He asked me to teach him to read his tarot cards. Just wait till he finds out what a difficult task-mistress I am! I was nice to him while teaching knitting!
     Speaking of teaching knitting, I think Silver is supposed to come over tomorrow for another knitting lesson. He says it's easy. I need to see how he's doing, and teach him how to purl. There are a few techniques he needs to learn besides the basic knit stitch... But I think I'll have him knitting himself a nice scarf for his textile arts class in no time!
     Sunday, I have no work and no plans! I'm sure I can find a way to fill my time, but I'm looking forward to the idea of actual leisure! If nothing else, I'll crank out a few more washcloths this weekend! And maybe get some more work done on Sage's poncho.

Checking in, before checking out

     I know I did not post last week. And I will probably need to take a brief hiatus from my blog. I have finally found a house, and we are moving at the end of this month. So I need to focus my attention on getting everything packed up, and making the new house into a home.

     Home.... That's something I miss having. And with a new set of roommates who all want a similar concept, it might actually be manageable. Things at CNFH haven't been very pretty for the last few weeks, and I foresee them getting worse before the end. But I'll save that story for a later date, when feelings aren't quite so tender. I knew this was going to be a temporary living space, but I came in with certain expectations and hopes. Now, things have been turned upside-down yet again. 

     On the other hand, I am seeing the people I call "friends" a little more clearly than I used to. I see who cares about those around them. I see who tries to help others, and who expects everyone to take care of them. I am going to try to keep the caring people in my life, and let the selfish ones go.

     So. My new house! We're going to name it WTF. Because we can. It will maintain the same motto as CNFH, "Where the hell are my pants?" And I'm going to fill it with handicrafts! I'm knitting a bathmat for one of the two full bathrooms. Then I plan to crochet a rug for my bedroom. Who knows, Maybe I'll pick up some cheap fabric of some sort, and see about making some for the public rooms, too! And I'm going to look at the smaller windows to see where I can put the rainbow curtains Granny made me. Do you think rainbows belong in a house inhabited by all less-than-straight people?

     And then, after we get everything set up all nice, and we've had our housewarming party, I'm going to start hosting the PA Furry Crafters' Guild meetings. Because all of the furries I know who like to craft, also like to do so around like-minded people. That way, we can show off our stuff, as well as be supported, inspired, and assisted by each other.

     My mind is wandering again. I'm going to post this, then get back to doing "important stuff" around the house. Two more days till the packing begins. I'm so stupid-excited. I can't wait to move. I feel like I'm moving into my first apartment all over again...

Not neglecting to post

     Yes. I have been drinking tonight. I'll worry about fixing spelling and typing errors when I'm more coherent. I didn't make my Friday blog post like I wanted to. But I have an excuse! I have spent the last week wrestling with making words happen to express an idea that I have wanted to address for some time. But the words just don't want to cooperate. 

     So instead, I spent Friday hanging out with roomies C and J. It's been months since we just spent time together because we could. We had a nice dinner, then did our damnedest to drink a bottle of rum and a bottle of vodka. I guess we'll have to finish them either Saturday, or next week. Because the boys already went to bed at 5am!

     There was a furmeet today in Oakland. It was fun. There were a lot of people I didn't even know. But I finally got around to introducing myself to an fur I've been talking to on Twitter, so now he knows who is messaging him! I also got to give a brief description of Furry to the owner of The O. It made me feel old to somehow become a de facto spokesperson when out with other furries, but I know that my representation is one of the more un-sensational and is often repeated by others who see its positive reactions.

     I give up. It's 5:30 am and I'm drunk enough that my eyes are crossing and I think I'm about to pass out at the computer. I'll get a real post up eventually. I promise. And no more rum until I do!

Con report: Furnandocon

     Okay. Maybe this technically wasn't a real convention. But come on. We organized an event involving 100+ furries in about two weeks!  And the money we raised! *dies* For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll rewind to somewhere closer to the beginning...

I'm not angry

     It was a very strange thing... I woke up one day not long ago and realized that suddenly, I no longer hold any ill feelings toward Blaze. When I left him, I actually hated him. Then I was angry, and hurt, and sad. But overnight, it was all gone. I still miss him and the relationship we had when things were good. 

     I know I can't go back to being with him, nor do I want to. While I miss having the closeness, I enjoy not having to take care of someone else. Both of us have grown just enough that we can't turn back. Now, this most recent past-relationship will join all the others as another bittersweet something to reminisce. 

     I still don't know what I want for my future, but I am finally taking the time to enjoy myself and my journey through life. It's like I'm learning to feel new emotions all over again, after suppressing everything. Every time I learn something about myself, it's like a treasure that I can't wait to share. But for now, I'm going to go revel in the idea that I've finally let go of something that was holding me back from healing, and look forward to the next step on my fantastic adventure.

     On a different subject, I got my Midsummer Night's Shawl off the needles. I started adding the fringe, and have gotten maybe 1/5 of it fringed. I decided to add one strand of black sparkle yarn to the turquoise in the fringe. It is a stark and sudden addition of color, but it also looks amazing. I will post a picture as soon as I remember to get someone to help me out with taking pics.

Thinking Midsummer in the middle of winter

     I finally got started on my Midsummer's Night Shawl to wear for Anthrocon this summer. For such a simple looking pattern, I'm having a ridiculous amount of trouble. Every other row has a pair of increases that create an eyelet pattern around the outside edge. But, I keep forgetting to add an increase, or add one on a row where it doesn't belong. This is resulting in me having to rip out several rows. Like I rip out about 8 rows for each repeat. Which means that I'm taking twice as long to knit this as it should take. But I'm up to 10 of 30 repeats, so things are progressing, even if slower than I'd like.

     On another note, I also have a toilet that works again! Ok, well it always worked. Just it took special handling for the last few weeks. The cheap, plastic flush arm broke. We'd been pulling the chain up by hand. It worked, but was not fun. I finally got paid and made the scary journey to the nearest hardware store. I may have played dumb in the store, because making the employee show me where to go was easier than searching, but I knew this was going to be an easy fix. The most amazing part of all this? Only one roommate cared enough to thank me for doing something about the broken plumbing. And everyone seems surprised that I just knew how to fix the toilet!

     Perhaps it makes a big difference that I was raised by a strong single mother. Ok, divorced. Whatever. The point being, I grew up without a man living in the house. And my mother raised my sister and I to be self-sufficient and learn how to do things for ourselves.

     Oh joy... it's one of those says where I can't get my brain to focus.... Train of thought derailing. I'm just going to post this. I'll add more later.