Just another weekend

     It's been pretty boring of late.
     I had a minor temper tantrum about work and I don't know what's going to happen with that in the coming days. But when I was reasonable in explaining my mood to my manager, he seemed to understand and is going to try to see what can be done about it.
     Yarn stuff is still happening, although I may have slowed down just a tiny bit. I'm hard at work on the Candy Corn Throw for BFF. I have 40 of 72 pieces started. Once I have all of the pieces done with one color stripe, I can begin with the second color. There is something so satisfying about having a portable project that I can work with anywhere. Since I haven't been doing washcloths this year, I forgot how good that can feel.

     I'm getting ready to head off to Biscuits Bingo soon with BFF and some other friends. For those who don't know, Biscuits Bingo is an annual bingo event to support the Animal Rescue League Shelter & Wildlife Center. It's probably one of my favorite fundraisers to attend every year.

     I wish there was more interesting stuff happening in my life to talk about. I feel bad that I rarely have anything worthwhile to say. I'm trying. Honestly!

Trying to keep in touch

     I swear, every time I say I'm going to make a habit of sitting down and blogging more frequently, I get distracted by everything else going on in my life.
     It's been a busy time. With the New Year, I decided to make 2015 "The Year of the Afghan" because I have an irresistible urge to knit/crochet blankets. So far, I've completed one afghan to donate to WPAFW for their charity raffle. I've started and almost completed  a second blanket for a good friend. And I'm getting ready to start on a third for my bestie. I hope to have 12 afghans completed by the end of the year, but if I leave room for reality, I'm planning to have about eight done by Christmas.

     Here's a WIP photo of the blanket I made for WPAFW. I haven't gotten a final picture of it since completing it.

     Here's the most recent photo of the afghan for Shiki. I'm almost done, but have to get a good picture soon.

     I'm honestly going to try to update this more often. But sometimes, the routine of life makes it seem like there is nothing interesting happening when it's only routine to me and it might be interesting to others.

Craptacular day

     I wish I had something wonderful to talk about. I wish I had something awful to talk about. I wish I had anything legitimate to talk about.
     But today was just another in a series of crummy days...where everything just wasn't right!
     Days like today make me wish I was still married. I want someone at home who will hug me and tell me everything will be ok again. I want someone to bring me something to drink and a snack to share while we watch something silly on TV till I cheer up again. Of course, when I was married, I didn't have that either. When I was still married, days like today made me want to kill myself. So I guess I'm still doing better than I was.
     I really want to post more often, but I feel like I'm under so much pressure to maintain the relationships and social life that I finally have after craving them for so long. I have scheduled a lazy weekend soon, where I'm not allowed to make any plans or invite anyone over. I hate feeling alone, but the constant activity has finally worn me down to the point where I am so worn out every day that I am starting to cry over the littlest things. Maybe after I recharge a bit, I'll be able to find a better way of budgeting my time...

I guess I should get back to this...

     It's been quite some time since I have posted anything. MUCH has happened in my life. Friendships have changed. People have come into, and gone out of, my life.
     I moved into a new apartment. By myself. It's been a long time since I lived alone, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to do it again, but too late!
     I learned some things during the process of this move, that make me think people aren't very good at moving. So I think after I get a few thoughts together, I'm going to write a how-to guide. Just a few pointers of what I did that made things run more smoothly. As well as the things I should have done, but forgot to or just didn't think of until it was too late...
     But for now, let's just call this late-evening, before bed blurb be my re-entry to telling you about all the things that I get myself tangled in. Like finding my books and yarn again. And strengthening friendships that I never thought would be as important as they have become.

     I've missed you, by the way.

Werewolf and yarn

     I haven't been posting much, because really, there hasn't been anything worth talking about. I get up and go to work every day. I come home and work on my scarves for Anthrocon. I spend weekends hanging out with friends. My mind is almost completely dominated by stresses I'm not willing to blog about yet, yarn-craft deadlines, and gaming.
     We finally got everyone in the same place at one time, and were able to play Werewolf. Gods, I keep forgetting how much I love that game. And how much I love my character... It always makes for a good game when everyone else is also having fun, resulting in us forgetting to watch the time and running on far past when we had intended to stop! I kind of miss the days when we used to play until someone literally fell asleep! But this group isn't up for those kind of sessions. But we seem to have a (mostly) functional group, and this might actually last to a complete chronicle! I was pleasantly surprised at how well Cortez did in his first session. He still has to make up his mind if he's going to continue playing, but I hope he does.
     As far as the yarn-craft goes, I'm slowly but steadily working my way through my list of projects. I'd probably be further in my progress if I didn't keep distracting myself by adding new projects!

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H , Ar, and Mo and am more than halfway through N. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work. And he's doing a good job, too!
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE!
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn. I started on a pair, using the fingering weight yarn I got at the Fabric Fair, and a pair of size 0 needles. Such teeny little stitches!
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because." But for now, it's in "time out" until I have the energy to rip back past  a mistake.
• Baby gift for supervisor L
• Baby gifts for Berry I just want to make adorable baby things! And she is the lucky acquaintance who managed to get pregnant at the right time!

     See what I mean? The list just keeps getting longer! But I'm still making things. And finishing them. I'm also forming next  year's to-knit list of big projects. I'm seriously considering a goal of a king-sized afghan and a Doctor Who scarf in the same year!

Lazy Sunday

    I'm loving the transition to twilight shift. I'm sleeping better. I feel better. I have time to think after I get home from work, without feeling trapped and alone. I have time to talk to people after work, when I'm actually feeling alive, rather than trying to juggle everything into very small windows during the evening or late mornings. Then there are weekends...
     Oh, magical weekends... One gets off work on Friday night, and usually wants to spend a few hours with friends. Friday evening is the perfect time to shrug off the accumulated stresses from the work week. Saturday is the day to do things. It's the day to run errands and go to events. And then there is Sunday. Glorious, beautiful, relaxing Sunday, the day to sit around the house doing nothing. Sunday has always felt like a lazy kind of day, but for the last five and a half years, it has been a "work night" which meant going to bed at noon, when everyone else is having a good time. Sunday now is coming to mean sleeping in, eating whenever I feel like it, watching cheesy TV, and naps.
     The Fabric Fair was this weekend. I didn't get any fabric, or much in the way of yarn, but I got quite a haul of crafting books. Especially Christmas crafting. Because either this year or next year, I really want to decorate in a "handmade Christmas" theme. Crocheted lace ornaments, little knitted ornaments, maybe some needlepoint... Those kind of things. I still don't have a star for the tree. Who knows. Maybe after I get my Christmas/Yule decorations in order, I'll start decorating for other holidays!
     Other than that, nothing much has been going on. I'm working and knitting every day. I'm slogging my way through the Element scarves. *shrug* Life goes on, and I'm just going with the flow...

Spring is springing

     Last weekend was Easter. It symbolizes a time of new beginnings. And I'm certainly having some of those. I finally got my transfer from midnight shift to twilight shift. I am so excited. For the last three days, I have gotten a good night's sleep, and woken up before my alarm goes off! I'm also having a much easier time at work, and not struggling to stay awake at my desk.
    I've also been busy with my yarn projects. Let's see how things are progressing....

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H and Ar, and am more than halfway through Mo. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE! About 35 of them...
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn this weekend as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because."

     I managed to finish one project on my list so far. But it's only April, and I have plenty of time. The scarves are progressing well, and should be done in time for Anthrocon. My smaller projects, I don't know what's up with them, but I don't care. I'll finish them when I do. I have no clue what's going on with the sweater, but that's a problem for after Anthrocon.
     Now I just have to figure out what's going on with this constant pain.... Then I'll be all set to start living my life again!

     I feel totally overwhelmed right now. I got the call from Human Resources that I've been waiting for, and I'm starting on the twilight shift on April Fool's Day. I can't wait to have a "normal" schedule again! I miss being able to have social contact during the week, and it's hard to manage cramming everything into Friday and Saturday... Which actually meant all my socialization was happening on Saturdays, because everyone else works on Fridays. But I'm still struggling with the ongoing pain in my legs and back. It has mostly settled into the arthritic aches I'm used to, but there's still the muscle pain that I can't quite explain. Plus, the ongoing drama that comes with living in a house named WTF...
     I'm still mad at the mated pair of roomies, and am waiting to see if they make good on the offer to help pay Unemployed Roomie bills this month. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm making nice, because I can't bring myself to tell them where I want them to go. And I certainly can't afford to pick up their share of the bills as well! They seem to think that I've gotten over my temper-tantrum, but the truth is, I still feel like my opinions don't count to them, and I can't seem to make them understand how that makes me feel.
     Gods... I can't seem to catch a break. If I'm not juggling someone's hurt feelings and neediness, I have my own massive breakdown. I'm hoping to see my doctor when I have my next vacation from work. I need to deal with my yo-yo-ing health. I need to figure out why I can't seem to feel "right" anymore. 
     I feel like I do nothing but rant and whine on this blog. I keep trying to find positive things to talk about, but right now, I don't feel very positive. Instead, I feel like I'm in a sand-pit. No matter how much I try to climb out, the walls just crumble and I fall back to the bottom again. I suppose it's at least good that I know things have to change. I'm not trapped in the soul-crushing depression that I used to feel. 
     And...here come the panic attacks again. I'm going to put on some music and force the roommates to put up with my singing. Then, I will curl up with my comfy blankets and sleep until I'm not tired anymore...

Back to your regularly un-scheduled post...

     Wow! I have been whiny lately! Let's change that by talking about positive stuff
     I've been hard at work on my Thing A Day projects. I'm up to about 18-ish washcloths on the 15th. And there has been at least one every day. I'm up to .65 mile of knit/crochet for the year. I'm right on track for my four mile goal in 2013.
     One of my corsets came in the mail the other day. It looks amazing on me! The only problem with it is that it fits! I should have gotten it one size smaller... But the other two on back-order are the smaller size, so that's good. And the shoes I bought online fit right. Life is actually going surprisingly well for a change.
    I have a three-day weekend, and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest! I'm going to make myself some delicious shepherd's pie for lunch and have yummy leftovers for later in the week, because this time I'm not going to share it with a houseful of people! Well, maybe Cortez. Because he gets such a silly smile when I cook for him. Then, Scotch is coming over, as he does every weekend. He asked me to teach him to read his tarot cards. Just wait till he finds out what a difficult task-mistress I am! I was nice to him while teaching knitting!
     Speaking of teaching knitting, I think Silver is supposed to come over tomorrow for another knitting lesson. He says it's easy. I need to see how he's doing, and teach him how to purl. There are a few techniques he needs to learn besides the basic knit stitch... But I think I'll have him knitting himself a nice scarf for his textile arts class in no time!
     Sunday, I have no work and no plans! I'm sure I can find a way to fill my time, but I'm looking forward to the idea of actual leisure! If nothing else, I'll crank out a few more washcloths this weekend! And maybe get some more work done on Sage's poncho.

A surprising development

     I don't know what happened, but I'm not going to complain about it. I popped onto OkCupid for a moment last night, and just after I logged out, I got a notification via the mobile app that I had a message. Apparently, a guy I knew when I was in college found me, and was interested. He even had a vague feeling that we knew each other, even though we hadn't seen each other in the past 12 years.
     We're going out on Saturday. I don't know if it's a date-date, or just two old friends catching up after a long time. From talking to him this morning, I don't think he knows either. So we'll just see what happens. He is still rather good looking after all this time. And since I've gotten older, my tastes in men have changed, so he's more in line with what I'm looking for. It's been a long time since I went out with someone my own age, rather than younger than me.

I don't know what's going on

     I don't know how I ended up where I am lately. I'm back into this ugly funk, where I feel like no one wants to be around me. I know this isn't really true. It's just... People around me have their own personal lives, and I'm still used to sometime who demanded I spend every minute with them. Last night, I had several bad dreams about people telling me to go away. They ranged from me being a child, and hearing "This is grown-up stuff, go play," to being myself and having friends point and laugh while I say in a corner away from everyone else.
     I just can't seem to shake this. Even though I know the truth is merely that I live on a different schedule from the rest of the world. But would it change if I could get off of night shift? I don't like these feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them anymore. And I don't know how to tell this to the people who are around me.
     All it took to set me off this time was a situation involving some friends, but not me. I was having a good time hanging out, until they needed to discuss their problem. I was very politely asked to give then the necessary privacy, but I still went from having social contact, to being trapped by myself again. A few minutes turned into the entire night and hours of bad dreams.
     Now it's early in the morning. Everyone else is doing their thing, such as sleeping. I'm watching TV and debating whether to go out for breakfast by myself

Now what?

     It's been a rough week for me. I had a close friend tell me an unpleasant truth. It took me a few days to smut that she was right. It's left me quite shaken.
     For a while, I've started feeling like I was losing control of my life. My natural inclination is to respond by trying to control as much of the world around me as I can. Unfortunately, this only resulted in my becoming a ragey, controlling bitch toward the people I live with. And none of them would tell me, because I do have a tendency to get angry very quickly. I don't want to be that person anymore than I want to be the emotional doormat I used to be.
     I guess it's time to re-evaluate what I'm feeling, and how it is affecting my actions. The problem with that is, I'm still in such a depressed funk that I an overreacting to everything. The worst of which being this continued feeling of isolation I can't seem to shake. I know the normal solution would be to get out of the house and be among people, but it just isn't that simple for me.
    I'm not going any further down this rabbithole... I'm going to go back to my knitting. It may not be a good as being around people, but at least I know I'll see the people I'm making gifts for, eventually...

Knitting machine

     So, I crossed the two-mile mark on my knitmeter. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I'm working on another scarf out of my stash yarn. Of the three I've finished, only two are actually intended for specific recipients. The pink "feather" scarf was just a fun idea to make, although I have no clue who is going to end up with it.
     Today's new project is a scarf out of the purple loopy yarn I got at the fabric fair this past spring. I had intended to make team scarves for the lupus walk, but they didn't work out the way I'd planned. It would take too much yarn to make one scarf, so I wouldn't have enough for a team. I'm sure this will find a home among someone on my gift list.
     My gift list... Ah, there's something I'll never learn to control. It started out with eight people on it. It's already almost doubled, and I know I'll find more people that I have to make presents for. And I'd be willing to bet that over half of them won't be planning to have gifts in exchange. It's not that I'm upset about that, it's just... I make gifts for people out of love, not greed. But there will always be a greedy child inside me who wants awesome presents back!
     Oh well... I'm writing this on the break room at work. I'm supposed to be knitting, not talking about it. I think I'll get back to what I told myself to do tonight.

I don't like it here

     I cried today. The first time in a long while. I hate this bottomless pit I've been trapped in for so long. I don't know what to do about it, or even what I want anymore.
     It feels like no one notices my suffering. When I see one of my friends is upset, I sometimes have to restrain myself from pestering them till they smile. But I feel like I have to hide from them. I don't want to turn up my music to hide the sound of me crying. I want someone to ask me what's wrong, to actually care about my answer, to let me cry on them.
     Of course, I don't dare seek someone out. I've put too much effort into being the one who will always be ok. But I haven't been that person for a long time. I allowed myself to believe my own lie, and I don't know how to function anymore.

Busy and a little insane

     Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know I said I'd be posting more regularly, but the computer was in an inconvenient spot, and I've been focusing my energy on trying to get the house together. I want to get the whole first floor put together so we can have a housewarming party. Also, it's hard for me to get around the house this week, thanks to my recent disagreement with gravity.

     It was Tuesday morning, 3:30 am, when I got up from my nap during lunch and was on my way back to work when BAM! I was face-down on the floor of the break room. I didn't trip on anything. There was nothing I was trying to avoid. My ankle just decided it didn't want to work for me anymore and quit. So I limped back to my desk, and went back to work, ignoring the fact that I fell. Half an hour later, the pain was worse, not better, so I let my supervisor call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. It was just like I thought, a simple sprain. The doctor told me to stay off my foot, and gave me crutches and an excuse to return to work on Sunday. I know I kept saying I needed an actual vacation, but this was not what I meant!

     I don't even know what I want to talk about today... I just woke up this morning, realizing I hadn't posted anything in longer than was reasonable. So...yeah... I'm here. I'm alive, and still in one piece. I'll try to sort out things to say and hopefully resume weekly Friday postings.

Knit till I find my Wit

     I don't know what to talk about today. Wendy is in the hospital again. She can't even tell me why, other than some symptoms. I'm going to assume it has to do with her lupus. I hate this disease. It may have brought us together in a way nothing else could, but it's robbing me of the time I want to spend with her. I can't talk to her on the phone when she's at one of her eleventy-seven doctor's office visits every month. With her in the hospital, I can't even chat with her online. I can't bring her home to visit, because travel aggravates flares. She can't go to furry events to meet all my wonderful furry friends, because large groups breed illnesses that will make her sick. I can't go to visit her, because I am poor and barely able to support myself as it is. Airfare and time off work are a bit much for me just yet.

     You may or may not know, but May is Lupus Awareness Month, and I promised I would wear purple every day this month. Only one or two people from work have asked about the purple bandanna I've been wearing everyday, and no one else. I feel like I'm failing at raising awareness, and failing my sister.

     I feel like I'm spiralling out of control. Like I've lost any sense of purpose in life. I'm doing a good job of not feeling the need to take care of everyone around me. I take time to think about myself every day. I do need more of a social life, but I need to figure out how to manage that while keeping my third-shift job that pays pretty decent money. I'm having hell trying to juggle friendships in such a way that I am not neglecting one friend just to prove that I value someone else. It hurts me to be torn in this way. I feel guilty for wanting to do anything on my weekends, because I'm certain to upset someone. And I never know who I'm going to offend with every decision I make.

     So I try to entertain myself. Keep my hands busy enough that my mind doesn't realize it isn't occupied. I have three projects in the works so far. My Rainbow Headband:

My Coral Kerchief:

And my Random Baby Blanket:

     I finished my Midsummer Night's Shawl and really need to convince someone to take a pic of me holding it up. It will look so much more awesome that way, rather than just spread out on the bed. Getting back to the knitting after even a short break is helping me to calm down and find my center. But at the same time, it's starting to feel like work and I never wanted that for my knitting. The head-coverings are still giving me pride of accomplishment, but when I needed to knit up a "washcloth" on short notice, something that needed about two hours of concentration took me two weeks!

    Like I said. I just don't know. I'm going to head back to my bed soon, prop up my feet, and get to work on my kerchief. If I can get the pattern to settle down and behave, I intend to make something similar for Hazy. But hers will probably be on larger needles, and might be even more lacy! At least that will give me something else to try and have done by the end of this month. I just wish I had a clue how much yardage I was using so I could enter these kerchiefs into my Knit-meter...  

Don't hide your scars

     This thought has been rolling around in my head for a week, ever since a conversation I had with a friend about her physical scars. She was talking about her internal debate over whether or not to cover them with tattoos. But the same thought can apply to emotional scars, as well. We all have them. Some people hide them, while others wear them proudly as a badge of honor.

     Think about it. Everything in your past made you who you are. A scar is a reminder that you survived something. There was a cut or wound so deep, so severe, that your body couldn't heal easily, and now you have a permanent reminder. Bad decisions lead to mistakes, the consequences of which can last a lifetime. But no matter what happens, every experience shapes your life.

     I have a scar on my forehead from the time I fell off a pair of platform shoes. It needed stitches. It was horrible when it happened. I was seven years old. But I learned that candy will still be there if I take my time. There is no need to rush for things that are not that important. I have a scar across my index finger that I got when slicing a bagel I was holding in my hand. I learned that kitchen knives are sharp. Sometimes I see these scars and remember the pain I felt, and see them ad victories. I didn't die from the massive blood loss. I have surgical scars. I survived extreme pain. Every mark left on your body is a reminder of something that happened. They are once upon a times that allow you to tell your stories.

     And then there are emotional scars. These are deeper and more painful, as well as harder for people to see. These are the failed relationships, the harsh words that were said, the hateful things that have been done to you. These are hearing your parents scream at each other when you are too young to understand that it's not your fault. These are the memories of a funeral for someone who died before you could say good-bye. These are the friendships shattered by anger-fueled words uttered without thought.

     Your scars are the lasting pieces of the things that made you who you are today. You can hide them, cover them up, or have surgery to eliminate them. But you can't escape from your past. If you could undo your mistakes, would you still learn from them? Think of the many ways that scars allow you to connect to another human being. I remember asking a former lover where he got each scar I found on his body. It was an amazing way to get to know the little moments in a person's past, allowing them to remember things they don't often think about.
     I know I keep repeating about how your scars are what made you. But the thought just won't settle down in my mind. Every mark on my body, every personality quirk I've developed as reaction to something, these are who I am. If I am to love myself, I need to love all of me, not just the "pretty" parts. I'm trying. Sometimes it's hard, because sometimes the scars still ache. But that's why I write this.
     I hope my friend decides not to cover her scars. I know why they are there. They show the strength she has to survive what put them there. They are part of what make her a beautiful person. And so do mine. So do yours.

     Today's knitting update: I haven't been doing much. I've gotten some work done on P's Tarot Bag. I worked perhaps ten rows on the Random Baby Blanket. Stress at home has kept me from wanting to play with yarn. I'm afraid I'll take my aggression out on projects that are supposed to be made with love. I don't want to talk about that right now.

I am homeless

      Not literally! I want to clear that up right away. I have a roof over my head and a place to sleep everyday, clean clothes to wear and enough food to eat everyday. I pay rent and utilities. But this place is just an apartment. And I want to go home. To that place where everything in there is yours. A safe, warm, welcoming haven from the big, bad outside world.

     I grew up with divorced parents. When I was young, I had two homes. When I was 20, I moved out on my own. That became home. For several years, I moved from place to place, and each place I lived was home, even if only for a short time. I was moving forward in my life and everything was a step toward some unknown goal. It's funny, but after a few years on my own, my parents' houses were no longer my home. I felt like a guest. I felt I could no longer just walk in whenever I wanted and just make myself comfortable.

     I accepted this, and kept moving forward. I met a man and got married. We made our own home. It was cozy and warm and wonderful. Right up until the relationship went sour. It became a place I dreaded. It had been violated. My home was no longer cozy and safe. But it was still my home! I kept going back every day, and hoping that things would get better again.

     Unfortunately, the time came to leave. I took what I could, and moved in with some very good friends. The place where I live now is very nice. It is filled with laughter and love. But it is not a home. It's a very nice hotel, but it's just a stop along the way.

     I don't like this idea of floating about without an anchor. That cozy, safe haven is the place where we can return and withdraw, to heal our hearts and minds. So, yeah. This is what I'm missing. And I can't wait to find my next home.

Why do I do this? Answers would be helpful.

     I was thinking the other day about why people blog, and why people read blogs. That was too big of an idea for my pitiful little mind to fathom. So then I started wondering why I decided to start this blog, and whether people would really care what I had to say. The first part of this is all I could legitimately answer. I need to write to sort out how I feel about a lot of things. Because if I don't I worry that my brain might explode, or I might just fail to cope with things that may or may not be important. I don't know for certain why anyone would want to read what I have to say, other than the idea that perhaps they are, or have been, in a similar situation at some point.

     I was in a toxic and unhealthy marriage. I left it less than 4 months ago. After five years of marriage and 3 years of dating, I was told many things that made me feel like less than a whole and valuable person. I am only just beginning to realize how warped my thought process has become.

     I have estranged myself from my family. This is mostly an effect from the last eight years. But I let it happen. I don't know how to rebuild these relationships, but it will happen eventually. One family member at a time, I am beginning to reach out and try.

     I have a sister. She is my only sibling, and she has lupus. We always love each other, but we don't always like each other. But her diagnosis with a chronic and life threatening disease has brought us closer than we have in years.

     I feel alone a lot of the time. After eight years with my ex-husband, I got used to having someone to talk to almost any time. He didn't often listen, or even care, but he was there. Friends aren't obligated to listen to your constant whining. After a while, they will stop coming around. I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time, but I need an outlet for all these feelings.

     Don't get me wrong. I am not a ball of angst and depression. I do have plenty of good times. I love that I learned to knit. Showing off all the things that I've made gives me such a feeling of pride and accomplishment. I know people who are jealous of my ability. I enjoy helping friends who are knitters. Knitting takes up a lot of my time these days and not just because of the holidays.

     I guess I've babbled enough for now. I would appreciate anyone telling me whether they really want me to keep babbling at them. Am I doing any good for anyone other than myself?