I thought this was a family

     I'm going to regret posting this, but it's how I'm feeling right now.
     So, Mort isn't working right now. The reason is irrelevant to this conversation. But he is no longer getting a paycheck, and doesn't have any savings. That means someone else has to pay his bills until he is getting paid again. Naturally, I passed this information on to the other roommates, and the response I have gotten from the mated pair is effectively "It's not our problem." Meaning that Cortez and I are left having to eat the entirety of Mort's bills between the two of us.
     Don't get me wrong. I make enough money that as long as I have help, I can cover Mort. It just can't do it and be able to afford any kind of pleasurable activities. No more fur meets. No more Sunday morning breakfast at the local cafe. No more anything except work, paying bills, and sleep. And Cortez has said that he'll only support Mort for a month, which means if the job search takes too long, I'll be having to tap my savings to cover that difference. Then it goes from an inconvenience to a hardship.
     It's funny. When the mated pair had money difficulties, they had no problem asking Mort & I both to help them out, but when Mort needs help... *crickets* When they asked me for help, I gave it without thought. When Cortez is short on his bills, I cover him till he has the money. Now Mort needs help, and my only thought was "How do we want to handle this as a household." And I hear that it should be his boyfriend's responsibility, or he should call his parents for money. What would happen if, gods forbid, I lost my job? Or if I just wasn't able to shoulder this latest burden? After all the times I've commented that I thought this household was functioning as a family, after all the dinners I've made for everyone out of my own pocket, I don't get it. And then, I comment that the stress of having to be the only one responsible for everything, but I'm still brushed off by this attitude.
     This next month is going to make some very difficult decisions for me. It's going to affect my relationships with several friends. It's going to determine how I continue to spend my limited social time. I know I'm not going to be easy to be around while I go through this... It's too much like what I went through when supporting the ex-spouse. I don't like having my entire social life being making my friends come to my house. I need to go out and do things!
     And now I've stressed myself into another anxiety attack. Lovely. Time to post this and go back to crochet. Playing with yarn makes me concentrate on something that makes me happy and relaxed. I need to focus on that for a while...

Updates on the Resolutions

     I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
     After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
     This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
    So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
     This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
     I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.

Checking in, before checking out

     I know I did not post last week. And I will probably need to take a brief hiatus from my blog. I have finally found a house, and we are moving at the end of this month. So I need to focus my attention on getting everything packed up, and making the new house into a home.

     Home.... That's something I miss having. And with a new set of roommates who all want a similar concept, it might actually be manageable. Things at CNFH haven't been very pretty for the last few weeks, and I foresee them getting worse before the end. But I'll save that story for a later date, when feelings aren't quite so tender. I knew this was going to be a temporary living space, but I came in with certain expectations and hopes. Now, things have been turned upside-down yet again. 

     On the other hand, I am seeing the people I call "friends" a little more clearly than I used to. I see who cares about those around them. I see who tries to help others, and who expects everyone to take care of them. I am going to try to keep the caring people in my life, and let the selfish ones go.

     So. My new house! We're going to name it WTF. Because we can. It will maintain the same motto as CNFH, "Where the hell are my pants?" And I'm going to fill it with handicrafts! I'm knitting a bathmat for one of the two full bathrooms. Then I plan to crochet a rug for my bedroom. Who knows, Maybe I'll pick up some cheap fabric of some sort, and see about making some for the public rooms, too! And I'm going to look at the smaller windows to see where I can put the rainbow curtains Granny made me. Do you think rainbows belong in a house inhabited by all less-than-straight people?

     And then, after we get everything set up all nice, and we've had our housewarming party, I'm going to start hosting the PA Furry Crafters' Guild meetings. Because all of the furries I know who like to craft, also like to do so around like-minded people. That way, we can show off our stuff, as well as be supported, inspired, and assisted by each other.

     My mind is wandering again. I'm going to post this, then get back to doing "important stuff" around the house. Two more days till the packing begins. I'm so stupid-excited. I can't wait to move. I feel like I'm moving into my first apartment all over again...

Warm fuzzies of the week

     I really don't have much to talk about this week. Things seem to be going rather well at CNFH. Roomie P and Roomie C are able to at least play nice. We had some good friends over last night, and we all sat in the kitchen, having a few drinks and being silly. It was such a relief to see them acting like the friends they were when we all moved in together. I have been searching for a place to move later this summer with Roomie C. I've emailed a few landlords, and I hope something eventually pans out...
     I feel like life has entered something of a "holding pattern" lately. So I decided it was time to make something new happen. This has started me wanting to knit jewelry. Don't look at me in that tone of voice. It makes perfect sense. It all started when I wanted a string bracelet, but didn't want the same old "friendship bracelet" so I decided to take all the colors I wanted, and just made a variegated I-cord bracelet. I still need to get to the store to buy a clasp, but I'm happy with how it turned out. This sent me to my library. I pulled out my book of patterns for knitted borders. Yes! Several of them look like they'd make amazing necklaces. So now I'm making a lovely, lacy choker. I think I know who I'm giving it to when I'm done, since I don't wear chokers.

      There are several other patterns I can't wait to try making into necklaces. I found some I want to use that would look amazing with some beadwork. I think I need to get some different colors of crochet thread and perhaps some smaller DPNs. I keep starting new hobbies, and then I run out of time. I can't wait till I can get my own house someday. I've already decided I'm going to learn to spin and dye my own yarn. I also want to learn to weave and get better at sewing. My poor roommate has no clue what he agreed to when he said he wanted to live with me!

Knit till I find my Wit

     I don't know what to talk about today. Wendy is in the hospital again. She can't even tell me why, other than some symptoms. I'm going to assume it has to do with her lupus. I hate this disease. It may have brought us together in a way nothing else could, but it's robbing me of the time I want to spend with her. I can't talk to her on the phone when she's at one of her eleventy-seven doctor's office visits every month. With her in the hospital, I can't even chat with her online. I can't bring her home to visit, because travel aggravates flares. She can't go to furry events to meet all my wonderful furry friends, because large groups breed illnesses that will make her sick. I can't go to visit her, because I am poor and barely able to support myself as it is. Airfare and time off work are a bit much for me just yet.

     You may or may not know, but May is Lupus Awareness Month, and I promised I would wear purple every day this month. Only one or two people from work have asked about the purple bandanna I've been wearing everyday, and no one else. I feel like I'm failing at raising awareness, and failing my sister.

     I feel like I'm spiralling out of control. Like I've lost any sense of purpose in life. I'm doing a good job of not feeling the need to take care of everyone around me. I take time to think about myself every day. I do need more of a social life, but I need to figure out how to manage that while keeping my third-shift job that pays pretty decent money. I'm having hell trying to juggle friendships in such a way that I am not neglecting one friend just to prove that I value someone else. It hurts me to be torn in this way. I feel guilty for wanting to do anything on my weekends, because I'm certain to upset someone. And I never know who I'm going to offend with every decision I make.

     So I try to entertain myself. Keep my hands busy enough that my mind doesn't realize it isn't occupied. I have three projects in the works so far. My Rainbow Headband:

My Coral Kerchief:

And my Random Baby Blanket:

     I finished my Midsummer Night's Shawl and really need to convince someone to take a pic of me holding it up. It will look so much more awesome that way, rather than just spread out on the bed. Getting back to the knitting after even a short break is helping me to calm down and find my center. But at the same time, it's starting to feel like work and I never wanted that for my knitting. The head-coverings are still giving me pride of accomplishment, but when I needed to knit up a "washcloth" on short notice, something that needed about two hours of concentration took me two weeks!

    Like I said. I just don't know. I'm going to head back to my bed soon, prop up my feet, and get to work on my kerchief. If I can get the pattern to settle down and behave, I intend to make something similar for Hazy. But hers will probably be on larger needles, and might be even more lacy! At least that will give me something else to try and have done by the end of this month. I just wish I had a clue how much yardage I was using so I could enter these kerchiefs into my Knit-meter...  

Not neglecting to post

     Yes. I have been drinking tonight. I'll worry about fixing spelling and typing errors when I'm more coherent. I didn't make my Friday blog post like I wanted to. But I have an excuse! I have spent the last week wrestling with making words happen to express an idea that I have wanted to address for some time. But the words just don't want to cooperate. 

     So instead, I spent Friday hanging out with roomies C and J. It's been months since we just spent time together because we could. We had a nice dinner, then did our damnedest to drink a bottle of rum and a bottle of vodka. I guess we'll have to finish them either Saturday, or next week. Because the boys already went to bed at 5am!

     There was a furmeet today in Oakland. It was fun. There were a lot of people I didn't even know. But I finally got around to introducing myself to an fur I've been talking to on Twitter, so now he knows who is messaging him! I also got to give a brief description of Furry to the owner of The O. It made me feel old to somehow become a de facto spokesperson when out with other furries, but I know that my representation is one of the more un-sensational and is often repeated by others who see its positive reactions.

     I give up. It's 5:30 am and I'm drunk enough that my eyes are crossing and I think I'm about to pass out at the computer. I'll get a real post up eventually. I promise. And no more rum until I do!

Sometimes *I* need the hug

     Congratulations. You have bad days. Your paycheck was short. Your tax return got rejected. You can't pay your bills. 

     Well guess what? I got sent home a lot in the last month. Today's paycheck was $100 short of the usual amount. Last check? Even smaller. 

     But guess what else? I went without luxuries. I paid my bills and bought food. No trips to the State store or the beer distributor for me! And last month, I paid the utilities before anyone had the money to pay for them. I had to wait for everyone to pay me back. Well... Not everyone. One person still owes me for the bills paid in January. So this month, when the bills came due, only one person has paid up. The others? Left me hanging in the wind. Because obviously, I don't want to spend my money on anything. I'm used to doing without. I mean, Roomie C even had the nerve to act surprised that I had the bills hanging on the fridge for over two weeks. Am I really supposed to chase everyone around the house, begging them to pay their bills??

     And this is after months of me having to clean up after everybody. None of the boys will lift a finger to do anything around this house unless I threaten them. Having a party at CNFH? Sage & Morgain will clean up for it? After the party? Morgain will take care of everything when she gets up in the morning.

     After the St Patrick's party that Roomie C is "throwing" (I've done most of the planning, leg work) I'm seriously considering a moratorium on guests of any sort. If you don't pay monthly rent, floor space can be rented out at $20/night/person. And you will still be expected to clean up after yourself.

     I'm sick of taking care of everyone else. It makes me feel good to know that I've brightened the day/life of the people I live with. But when only one of them ever does anything in return? I'm not appreciated. I'm being taken advantage of. When I see a roommate having a bad day, I try to do something to make it better. A cup of coffee, a snack, a smile, a joke...whatever it takes. Roomie sees me walking around the apartment with tears in my eyes, complaining about how I'm on the ragged edge and feel like I'm about to break, he does nothing. Whatever.