I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.
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