Alexander does dumb stuff!

     Geek rant time! I haven't blogged in a month, because there isn't much in my head that I'm willing to share. But with last week's twelve-hour Werewolf game, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. I will now go into nauseating detail about today's session. For those who do not enjoy role-playing geekery, I'm sorry. Try again next time?

Werewolf and yarn

     I haven't been posting much, because really, there hasn't been anything worth talking about. I get up and go to work every day. I come home and work on my scarves for Anthrocon. I spend weekends hanging out with friends. My mind is almost completely dominated by stresses I'm not willing to blog about yet, yarn-craft deadlines, and gaming.
     We finally got everyone in the same place at one time, and were able to play Werewolf. Gods, I keep forgetting how much I love that game. And how much I love my character... It always makes for a good game when everyone else is also having fun, resulting in us forgetting to watch the time and running on far past when we had intended to stop! I kind of miss the days when we used to play until someone literally fell asleep! But this group isn't up for those kind of sessions. But we seem to have a (mostly) functional group, and this might actually last to a complete chronicle! I was pleasantly surprised at how well Cortez did in his first session. He still has to make up his mind if he's going to continue playing, but I hope he does.
     As far as the yarn-craft goes, I'm slowly but steadily working my way through my list of projects. I'd probably be further in my progress if I didn't keep distracting myself by adding new projects!

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H , Ar, and Mo and am more than halfway through N. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work. And he's doing a good job, too!
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE!
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn. I started on a pair, using the fingering weight yarn I got at the Fabric Fair, and a pair of size 0 needles. Such teeny little stitches!
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because." But for now, it's in "time out" until I have the energy to rip back past  a mistake.
• Baby gift for supervisor L
• Baby gifts for Berry I just want to make adorable baby things! And she is the lucky acquaintance who managed to get pregnant at the right time!

     See what I mean? The list just keeps getting longer! But I'm still making things. And finishing them. I'm also forming next  year's to-knit list of big projects. I'm seriously considering a goal of a king-sized afghan and a Doctor Who scarf in the same year!

Spring is springing

     Last weekend was Easter. It symbolizes a time of new beginnings. And I'm certainly having some of those. I finally got my transfer from midnight shift to twilight shift. I am so excited. For the last three days, I have gotten a good night's sleep, and woken up before my alarm goes off! I'm also having a much easier time at work, and not struggling to stay awake at my desk.
    I've also been busy with my yarn projects. Let's see how things are progressing....

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H and Ar, and am more than halfway through Mo. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE! About 35 of them...
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn this weekend as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because."

     I managed to finish one project on my list so far. But it's only April, and I have plenty of time. The scarves are progressing well, and should be done in time for Anthrocon. My smaller projects, I don't know what's up with them, but I don't care. I'll finish them when I do. I have no clue what's going on with the sweater, but that's a problem for after Anthrocon.
     Now I just have to figure out what's going on with this constant pain.... Then I'll be all set to start living my life again!

Thing A Day 2013 is over

     That was fun. I still haven't done my final count, but I finished February with at least 30 new washcloths. Some of them were quickly turned into something else, for personal use, but I do have two sets that I can add to the gift stash. I also have two full rainbow sets of washcloths that I don't know what to do with. I intended them to be dishcloths for the WTF kitchen, but the roommate who does dishes won't use them, so there's no point in that. I might keep them for the bathroom, for guest use.
     This past month also had me spending more time than usual on Ravelry. I can't seem to stop browsing through the patterns and finding more things I want to make. It looks like I have added a king-sized afghan to my queue. I know the insanity of this, but is it really? If you think about it, I made 30+ eight-inch squares in the last month. Can it me that hard to make 49 twelve-inch squares? Or do I want to go fully insane and make 110 more eight-inch squares? I picked out the prettiest afghan square with an iris. I'm working on the layout before I go shopping for yarn. I've already decided that it will be black, white, and turquoise. I can't wait to make it! Such big plans... So little time...

Updates on the Resolutions

     I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
     After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
     This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
    So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
     This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
     I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.

New Year, and a new computer!

     I'm back! I finally have my own computer, so I can start making regular posts again. And since my return to the internet coincides with the New Year's, I think I'll start going back to posting by listing my New Year's resolutions and how I feel about them.

1. Knit/crochet four miles of yarn. Last year, my goal was one mile, but I knitted over three miles. I'm going to try for more this year. I'll call anything a success, but it never hurts to push yourself.
2. Knit myself a sweater. I've wanted to do this since I started knitting. It's time for me to step up and do it. I have the yarn, now I just need to buy the new needles I need.
3. Start being more selfish. I spend far too much time worrying about the people around me, and not enough time worrying about myself. It's high time I stopped putting everyone else's comfort ahead of my own.

I have a list of knitting projects I want to work on this year. It might help me to have my goals better defined than last year.

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again.
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point?
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.

     I'm sure I have other goals I will want to meet over the next 12 months, but goal-setting for my knitting makes the most sense to me. Lifestyle changes are easier to make at other times of the year, when I feel less pressure if I stumble along the way. I am still working at eating healthier. I am still making slow, but steady progress at losing weight. I haven't had much luck at dealing with stress, but I like to think I'm improving when it comes to my communication skills. 
     So, yeah, those are my goals or 2013. Here's to my annual attempt to become a better me. Of course, I'll update as I meet my goal, or if I decide to discard any of them.

What I did all week

     Realizing that I wanted to get a head-start on giftmas preens has been one if the better decisions I've made in quite a while. The near constant knitting is doing me more good than anything else lately. I see myself finishing projects with increasing speed, and gain so much pride out of seeing each completed object. Because I keep my hands busy, I've found I don't want to smoke as frequently.
     I took a break from knitting because I was looking for someplace to move after CNFH. Then I had to move and unpack. I got lazy, because I had a huge attack of perfectly good reasons why I couldn't knit. So I didn't even try.
     I'm trying to be a good girl and use up as much of my stash yarn as I can, for multiple reasons. I have two totes full of yarn that have no intended purpose. So far, I've managed to use up a few balls of yarn! More importantly, I'd managed to forget how pleasantly relaxing it is to just sit and talk our watch TV with my sticks clicking away, project quietly growing in my lap...
     This weekend, I made it to the yarn store to get yarn for some presents. I'm just starting on my gift fora certain dragon. I won't talk about it, because I know she reds this blog!
     I'd probably have more to say, but I'm going to get back to playing with my string!

Knitting machine

     So, I crossed the two-mile mark on my knitmeter. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I'm working on another scarf out of my stash yarn. Of the three I've finished, only two are actually intended for specific recipients. The pink "feather" scarf was just a fun idea to make, although I have no clue who is going to end up with it.
     Today's new project is a scarf out of the purple loopy yarn I got at the fabric fair this past spring. I had intended to make team scarves for the lupus walk, but they didn't work out the way I'd planned. It would take too much yarn to make one scarf, so I wouldn't have enough for a team. I'm sure this will find a home among someone on my gift list.
     My gift list... Ah, there's something I'll never learn to control. It started out with eight people on it. It's already almost doubled, and I know I'll find more people that I have to make presents for. And I'd be willing to bet that over half of them won't be planning to have gifts in exchange. It's not that I'm upset about that, it's just... I make gifts for people out of love, not greed. But there will always be a greedy child inside me who wants awesome presents back!
     Oh well... I'm writing this on the break room at work. I'm supposed to be knitting, not talking about it. I think I'll get back to what I told myself to do tonight.

Checking in, before checking out

     I know I did not post last week. And I will probably need to take a brief hiatus from my blog. I have finally found a house, and we are moving at the end of this month. So I need to focus my attention on getting everything packed up, and making the new house into a home.

     Home.... That's something I miss having. And with a new set of roommates who all want a similar concept, it might actually be manageable. Things at CNFH haven't been very pretty for the last few weeks, and I foresee them getting worse before the end. But I'll save that story for a later date, when feelings aren't quite so tender. I knew this was going to be a temporary living space, but I came in with certain expectations and hopes. Now, things have been turned upside-down yet again. 

     On the other hand, I am seeing the people I call "friends" a little more clearly than I used to. I see who cares about those around them. I see who tries to help others, and who expects everyone to take care of them. I am going to try to keep the caring people in my life, and let the selfish ones go.

     So. My new house! We're going to name it WTF. Because we can. It will maintain the same motto as CNFH, "Where the hell are my pants?" And I'm going to fill it with handicrafts! I'm knitting a bathmat for one of the two full bathrooms. Then I plan to crochet a rug for my bedroom. Who knows, Maybe I'll pick up some cheap fabric of some sort, and see about making some for the public rooms, too! And I'm going to look at the smaller windows to see where I can put the rainbow curtains Granny made me. Do you think rainbows belong in a house inhabited by all less-than-straight people?

     And then, after we get everything set up all nice, and we've had our housewarming party, I'm going to start hosting the PA Furry Crafters' Guild meetings. Because all of the furries I know who like to craft, also like to do so around like-minded people. That way, we can show off our stuff, as well as be supported, inspired, and assisted by each other.

     My mind is wandering again. I'm going to post this, then get back to doing "important stuff" around the house. Two more days till the packing begins. I'm so stupid-excited. I can't wait to move. I feel like I'm moving into my first apartment all over again...

Warm fuzzies of the week

     I really don't have much to talk about this week. Things seem to be going rather well at CNFH. Roomie P and Roomie C are able to at least play nice. We had some good friends over last night, and we all sat in the kitchen, having a few drinks and being silly. It was such a relief to see them acting like the friends they were when we all moved in together. I have been searching for a place to move later this summer with Roomie C. I've emailed a few landlords, and I hope something eventually pans out...
     I feel like life has entered something of a "holding pattern" lately. So I decided it was time to make something new happen. This has started me wanting to knit jewelry. Don't look at me in that tone of voice. It makes perfect sense. It all started when I wanted a string bracelet, but didn't want the same old "friendship bracelet" so I decided to take all the colors I wanted, and just made a variegated I-cord bracelet. I still need to get to the store to buy a clasp, but I'm happy with how it turned out. This sent me to my library. I pulled out my book of patterns for knitted borders. Yes! Several of them look like they'd make amazing necklaces. So now I'm making a lovely, lacy choker. I think I know who I'm giving it to when I'm done, since I don't wear chokers.

      There are several other patterns I can't wait to try making into necklaces. I found some I want to use that would look amazing with some beadwork. I think I need to get some different colors of crochet thread and perhaps some smaller DPNs. I keep starting new hobbies, and then I run out of time. I can't wait till I can get my own house someday. I've already decided I'm going to learn to spin and dye my own yarn. I also want to learn to weave and get better at sewing. My poor roommate has no clue what he agreed to when he said he wanted to live with me!

Don't hide your scars

     This thought has been rolling around in my head for a week, ever since a conversation I had with a friend about her physical scars. She was talking about her internal debate over whether or not to cover them with tattoos. But the same thought can apply to emotional scars, as well. We all have them. Some people hide them, while others wear them proudly as a badge of honor.

     Think about it. Everything in your past made you who you are. A scar is a reminder that you survived something. There was a cut or wound so deep, so severe, that your body couldn't heal easily, and now you have a permanent reminder. Bad decisions lead to mistakes, the consequences of which can last a lifetime. But no matter what happens, every experience shapes your life.

     I have a scar on my forehead from the time I fell off a pair of platform shoes. It needed stitches. It was horrible when it happened. I was seven years old. But I learned that candy will still be there if I take my time. There is no need to rush for things that are not that important. I have a scar across my index finger that I got when slicing a bagel I was holding in my hand. I learned that kitchen knives are sharp. Sometimes I see these scars and remember the pain I felt, and see them ad victories. I didn't die from the massive blood loss. I have surgical scars. I survived extreme pain. Every mark left on your body is a reminder of something that happened. They are once upon a times that allow you to tell your stories.

     And then there are emotional scars. These are deeper and more painful, as well as harder for people to see. These are the failed relationships, the harsh words that were said, the hateful things that have been done to you. These are hearing your parents scream at each other when you are too young to understand that it's not your fault. These are the memories of a funeral for someone who died before you could say good-bye. These are the friendships shattered by anger-fueled words uttered without thought.

     Your scars are the lasting pieces of the things that made you who you are today. You can hide them, cover them up, or have surgery to eliminate them. But you can't escape from your past. If you could undo your mistakes, would you still learn from them? Think of the many ways that scars allow you to connect to another human being. I remember asking a former lover where he got each scar I found on his body. It was an amazing way to get to know the little moments in a person's past, allowing them to remember things they don't often think about.
     I know I keep repeating about how your scars are what made you. But the thought just won't settle down in my mind. Every mark on my body, every personality quirk I've developed as reaction to something, these are who I am. If I am to love myself, I need to love all of me, not just the "pretty" parts. I'm trying. Sometimes it's hard, because sometimes the scars still ache. But that's why I write this.
     I hope my friend decides not to cover her scars. I know why they are there. They show the strength she has to survive what put them there. They are part of what make her a beautiful person. And so do mine. So do yours.

     Today's knitting update: I haven't been doing much. I've gotten some work done on P's Tarot Bag. I worked perhaps ten rows on the Random Baby Blanket. Stress at home has kept me from wanting to play with yarn. I'm afraid I'll take my aggression out on projects that are supposed to be made with love. I don't want to talk about that right now.

Running with it anyway

     As I said in the last post, I have become very interested in head covering. I still don't know why I feel compelled to do this, but rather than stew over the why, I decided to listen to the little voice in my head, and just go with it. The reason will show itself eventually. But on day three, I'm excited to see what will happen.

     I made my decision on Saturday.  And only an hour before a friend picked me up to go out. When I told the friends I was out with what I was doing, I got all positive responses. This encouraged me and solidified my decision. So here's what I've come up with so far: I will cover my head with something any time I leave my house, except for when I go to work. I will try to keep covered at home, but I won't stress about it at this point. After all, my home is my home. Where else can I be at my most comfortable? 

     I have a few bandannas I have acquired over the years. I will stick to those for about a month to see if I can actually commit to this. If at the end of May, I am still covering, I will invest in a few nicer scarves and move on from there. I will wait till I am solidly and permanently committed to head covering before discussing my religious position at work. We are not allowed any kind of head-scarf or hats except for medical/religious reasons. I will eventually have to explain a very unusual spiritual call to a very Judeo-Christian establishment. I am willing to make that stand, but not until it's worth it. Why make a huge fuss over something that I might change my mind about as soon as the battle is over?

     I will admit, I felt a little thrill of doing something different when I went to the grocery store this morning. Southside is a neighborhood where you can see almost anything, but I think that head covering is still uncommon enough that I will probably be noticed for a while, until it becomes my normal. I certainly felt unusual walking down the street. It wasn't shame. It wasn't pride. The closest thing I can think of is a type of anxiety, like I was almost waiting for someone to challenge me, or to tell me it didn't look right.

     Knitting update for the day: Random Baby Blanket (that I supposedly started for the Selfish Knitters and Crocheters group Knit-A-Long "April Showers") is making slow but steady progress. I'll have it done before anyone I know has a baby! I still haven't cut more fringe for Midsummer Night's Shawl. I am disappointed in myself for not sitting down to finish it, but I just don't want to. Without any outside motivation, I'm afraid the shawl may sit in limbo until right before Anthrocon. 

     Tomorrow is May 1st. The SKC forum Knit-A-Long theme is "May Flowers" and I will finally force myself to make P her bamboo/silk Tarot bag. I've had the yarn since Christmas, but  since we couldn't pick a pattern, I was letting myself be lazy. She's going to get her bag in simple stockinette so I can participate in the KAL. Bamboo is plant, even if the silk isn't. Although, silkworms do eat plant material, so there.... :P

Too many ideas at once

     There is so much going on in my life right now. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to live after this lease is finished. I'm still struggling with the journey to loving myself better. I've become the primary emotional support for a friend who has never felt loved by anyone other than family. Friendships are changing, because I am changing. I wish there was something I could do to make things easier. And then, my mind runs off in a new direction...

     I've been reading about the idea of pagan veiling. This is something that crossed my mind close to a year ago, but I had no clue if it was even a legitimate option. It was originally a joke about never having to worry about "bad hair days" ever again. Because it was a joke, I didn't worry too much and just forgot about it. But last week, I randomly felt the need to look into it again. I don't know what told me to, but I've learned to listen to that little voice... I stumbled into The Pagan Spoonie's article on pagan head covering.It gave me a lot to think about.

     I'm still intrigued by the idea of head covering. But I need to do it for a legitimate reason, not just because I think it would look cool. I'm not the sort to wear skimpy little outfits, but I am comfortable with my body and my sexuality. I don't feel that hiding behind modest-dress is the best way for me to embrace the fact that I am a beautiful and sexual creature. My recently failed marriage doesn't make me want to wear something that symbolizes a social position I no longer can honestly claim. I don't feel called by a goddess that asks her followers to veil.

     But I keep opening up blogs on pagan veiling. I keep reading about it. I look at websites selling veils and headscarves. I look at how to tie headscarves to cover my hair. There is some part of me that really feels a need. I just don't know why.

     Now. For the knitting update. I've got 3/4 of the Midsummer Night's Shawl fringed. It won't be much longer till it's finally finished! I just need to sit still long enough to cut the last large handful of yarn for the fringes. Once I get those done, it is only a matter of a few minutes. Below is a picture of the shawl as it is now. It matches so nicely with my brand new bedsheets, doesn't it?

     I finally started on the Random Baby Blanket I decided to make. No I am not pregnant. No I am not making this for anyone who is pregnant. After giving some of Thing-a-Day's leftover washcloths as last minute gifts, I really want to build up a stash of handmades that are available any time I need a present, but don't have time to make one or money to buy one. The Random Baby Blanket is really nothing more than an extremely over-sized washcloth made of baby yarn, on a slightly larger needle. When I say quick and dirty, I mean it!

I'm not angry

     It was a very strange thing... I woke up one day not long ago and realized that suddenly, I no longer hold any ill feelings toward Blaze. When I left him, I actually hated him. Then I was angry, and hurt, and sad. But overnight, it was all gone. I still miss him and the relationship we had when things were good. 

     I know I can't go back to being with him, nor do I want to. While I miss having the closeness, I enjoy not having to take care of someone else. Both of us have grown just enough that we can't turn back. Now, this most recent past-relationship will join all the others as another bittersweet something to reminisce. 

     I still don't know what I want for my future, but I am finally taking the time to enjoy myself and my journey through life. It's like I'm learning to feel new emotions all over again, after suppressing everything. Every time I learn something about myself, it's like a treasure that I can't wait to share. But for now, I'm going to go revel in the idea that I've finally let go of something that was holding me back from healing, and look forward to the next step on my fantastic adventure.

     On a different subject, I got my Midsummer Night's Shawl off the needles. I started adding the fringe, and have gotten maybe 1/5 of it fringed. I decided to add one strand of black sparkle yarn to the turquoise in the fringe. It is a stark and sudden addition of color, but it also looks amazing. I will post a picture as soon as I remember to get someone to help me out with taking pics.

Stuck in neutral

     It has been hard to motivate myself to blog for the past few days... Probably because nothing interesting has really been happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been getting up and going to work every day. I am trying to eat healthier and almost succeeding at that.

    In the last week, I have only gone out to eat once. And that was this past Friday. Roomie P took me out to cheer me up after we got screwed over again by Roomie C. I'm at a loss for how to deal with him.

     I seem to have hit a wall when it comes to working on my Midsummer Night Shawl. I've completed 28 of 30 pattern repeats. All I need to do is spend one more week working on it full-time, and I'll be done with it! Then I can get the black yarn and fringe the edges and be finished with the first project I'm actually making for myself. But, for the last few days, I look at my yarn and all I can think is, "I don't want to deal with you." So I don't. As much as I want to get this finished in time for Anthrocon, I have no desire to let knitting become a chore for me.

     Roomie P and I are starting to look for housing options for when this lease is up. It's early yet, but I don't have a feel for the local housing market like I did ten years ago. It's hard, wanting something nice like what we have, but knowing this is only affordable because five people are splitting the bills, rather than two. It doesn't help that we are severely limited in our options due to a lack of transportation. Needing to live in walking distance of a grocery store, and making sure we have reliable bus transportation are becoming more and more difficult to accomplish within our budget. I wish I could stumble onto something as perfect for me as the place I found for Blaze and me when we got married. 

     *sigh* Oh well. It's almost 9am on a Sunday. I suppose I ought to go take care of the daily necessities before I have to go to bed in a few hours. I can't wait till I have a vacation...

Thinking Midsummer in the middle of winter

     I finally got started on my Midsummer's Night Shawl to wear for Anthrocon this summer. For such a simple looking pattern, I'm having a ridiculous amount of trouble. Every other row has a pair of increases that create an eyelet pattern around the outside edge. But, I keep forgetting to add an increase, or add one on a row where it doesn't belong. This is resulting in me having to rip out several rows. Like I rip out about 8 rows for each repeat. Which means that I'm taking twice as long to knit this as it should take. But I'm up to 10 of 30 repeats, so things are progressing, even if slower than I'd like.

     On another note, I also have a toilet that works again! Ok, well it always worked. Just it took special handling for the last few weeks. The cheap, plastic flush arm broke. We'd been pulling the chain up by hand. It worked, but was not fun. I finally got paid and made the scary journey to the nearest hardware store. I may have played dumb in the store, because making the employee show me where to go was easier than searching, but I knew this was going to be an easy fix. The most amazing part of all this? Only one roommate cared enough to thank me for doing something about the broken plumbing. And everyone seems surprised that I just knew how to fix the toilet!

     Perhaps it makes a big difference that I was raised by a strong single mother. Ok, divorced. Whatever. The point being, I grew up without a man living in the house. And my mother raised my sister and I to be self-sufficient and learn how to do things for ourselves.

     Oh joy... it's one of those says where I can't get my brain to focus.... Train of thought derailing. I'm just going to post this. I'll add more later.

I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

Thing A Day and other things

     We'll start with the knitting. Because it's easier. As you can see from my knitmeter at the bottom of the page, I've crossed the half mile point. I guess my resolution to knit a mile of yarn this year was too easy. I'm moving along like a knitting machine when it comes to the Thing A Day. I've already got a little pile of washcloths building up. With only one problem. I'm having so much fun with this, I just keep going. When I finish one washcloth, I just turn around and cast on a new one! I have finished about seven so far, meaning I will likely run out of cotton before I run out of February! But 29 items in 29 days is the important part, right? Even if I get them all done in less than that? I may pull out some RHSS yarn to make two-strand potholders if I run out of cotton... I mean really. I bought 10 balls of it, thinking that would be enough.
     In the meanwhile, I picked up the Red Heart Shimmer in turquoise to make my Midsummer's Night Shawl. It's an easier pattern than I thought it would be, and it seems to work up rather quickly. And it's such a pretty, sparkly yarn! And I only got to buy it so soon because I had to go deal with another entanglement.
     I was in a chat room with several friends, when K revealed that she was in a difficult emotional space. She also recently left her husband, and the friends she is staying with can't seem to comprehend the difficulties of walking away from your entire life. It doesn't help that they feel the "know what's best for her" and are pushing very hard for her to jump out and get back on her feet, without any allowance for the very necessary grieving that comes from such a change in lifestyle. So we mounted an "emotional rescue mission" to bring her to the Creatively Named Furry House for the weekend. While I am thrilled to be able to help, I can't actually do anything for her. It's so frustrating!

Can't. Stop. Knitting...

     I finished knitting the Purple Camo Shawl for Wendy. It took a little less than a month, and more yarn than I had originally bought for it... But everything is good. There was a sale on yarn at Michael's last week, and I made Roomie C drive me, along with Roomie P, to go buy more. On the other hand, having no knitting to do yesterday left me so confused. I was at my wits' end trying to keep myself occupied and entertained all day. I now have an almost obscene amount of Sugar n' Cream yarn in my stash. Which has expanded into two totes now! 

     Unfortunately, the cotton is "off-limits" till next Wednesday. I decided to start a Thing A Day challenge for February, and I challenged a few of the local furries to join me in it. I know Hazy is going to join me at it. I think Stormy said she'd think about doing a Drawing A Day. I'm trying to get Roomie P to agree, but she's so unsure of herself sometimes... So, my TAD goal is to knit a washcloth every day. I'll probably get so bored by the pattern by the time a month is over, but I'll be able to put them away for any time I need a quick, "last-minute" gift.

     I can't wait to get to the store to make the still-promised Giftmas present for a certain lioness I know. And then I can get the pretty, sparkly yarn I want to make MY shawl! Because I certainly deserve something I can knit for myself! And it will be so awesome to have a handknit shawl at Anthrocon! Everyone will be so jealous!

     Let's see... What else is in my To Knit list? I was planning to make myself a hat, but I might run out of winter before I actually sit down and do that. I'm organizing a group to make afghan square to donate an afghan for Anthrocon's charity auction in 2013. Hmm...I might even pull out some of the RHSS stash and make some for an afghan to keep at home...

     It's funny...I opened up the computer with the intent of ranting about how upset I was at something. At a friend who is on the verge of sabotaging a relationship they tried to have for over a year. And to complain about how unfair it is that someone could throw away such love and devotion for a piece of tail...when I'm sitting at home just wishing that someone wanted just to be near me... But after typing just a few sentences, all I could think about was knitting, and I couldn't help but smile! So I need to share more of my fleeting joy. Can't let it get away!

STILL not finished!

     It's coming down to the wire, and I still have gifts to finish making. And a few yet to buy. I guess that's what I have coming to me for deciding that I had to share myself with everyone I care about this year. But it's so much nicer than sitting around feeling guilty that I couldn't afford to buy gifts for ANYONE. I still need to finish up presents for A's munchkins, a few friends that I'm not exceptionally close to, and roommate C. Who is exceedingly difficult when it comes to deciding on what to get him for Christmas.

     Today's to-do list includes, finish up Batty's present. Clean up public rooms of apartment. Sweep/mop floors. Go to liquor store to get champagne for Christmas mimosas/chrysanthemums. Go to grocery store for cookies, frosting, bread, and other odds and ends to turn into Christmas dinner. Do laundry. Feed myself at some point. Get to bed before 4, so I can wake up when roomie P gets home for dinner. I know I'm forgetting something, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what.

     Right now, I'm laying on the living room floor trying to drink coffee. I'm not doing well, because it's very hard to do when lying on one's side. But since we still have no furniture after 3 months, and it's going to be at least another month before roomie J gets that futon... I'm spending a lot of time on the floor. Especially since someone took my chair from the kitchen table into their bedroom...

     Two more days till the holiday... and I'm selfishly hoping to get those JoAnn's gift cards I asked for. I have a bunch of things on my wish-list to buy for myself. I want to challenge myself on an item or two, as well as work on the IDK It's a Shrug before I kick off Thing-A-Day in February. I suppose I'll have to buy enough yarn to support that, as well.

     Mind wandering too far... Can't keep in anywhere near on track... I'm gonna go for now. See if I can actually knit at all today!