Stupid Hallmark holidays...

     Yep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've done everything I could to avoid it. But the TV keeps shoving it in my face. And my happy friends are talking about their special plans for their partners. I'd really rather not deal with this right now. I don't need my ALONE-ness shoved in my face, when I am having enough trouble dealing with it.

     In some ways, grieving a marriage is harder than mourning a person's death. When a person dies abruptly, you know there is nothing you could have done to change it. Sickness, accident, violence... These are enemies we cannot fight. But apathy, anger, disgust, rejection... These are things we're supposed to be able to overcome. I don't even know why the idea of Valentine's Day even bothers me. I was single for so long, it lost almost all meaning. Then, when I did have somebody, it didn't even matter. He didn't really seem to get the idea. Don't get me wrong. He got it right one year. That would be the time he got me a deep fryer as a gift, and made me a dinner of all my favorite fried foods. But most of the time he didn't even bother. Probably because I was so angry at his thoughtlessness at the last Valentine gift he gave me.

     I had been complaining about having gained more weight than I wanted. My clothes were starting to not fit. So I made a big deal of explaining that I was going to eliminate candy and sugar from my diet, as well as try to include more fruits and vegetables instead of the pasta I usually ate. So when this time of year came around, he brought home three pounds of chocolate. There was one box containing two whole pounds of chocolate covered cherries, and another box holding an assortment of chocolate candies. That I could not eat. That I had said I could not eat. So he set the boxes on the table where we dropped everything as we came in the door, saying he would eat them. I'm still not sure how the three pounds of chocolate ended up buried under a pile of papers, but when I found them about six months later, they were now two boxes of moldy, melted, gross chocolate. Never again did he bother to do anything for me on Valentine's Day. Never made me a dinner. Never bought me a card. Never even mentioned that he knew it was Valentine's.

     So, I don't know why this bothers me. I guess it's that all of this "celebrate love" crap I see everywhere makes me feel like I've failed in some way. Like the failure of my marriage makes me a failure as a woman. I know this is not true, but it doesn't make me feel better.

     My "totally reasonable response" to this? I'm going to go to Payless and buy myself some new shoes. Then I'm going to get myself some chocolates and take myself to lunch. Maybe buy myself a drink. Who knows. Maybe I'll take myself home and see what happens? (just kidding)

Can't. Stop. Knitting...

     I finished knitting the Purple Camo Shawl for Wendy. It took a little less than a month, and more yarn than I had originally bought for it... But everything is good. There was a sale on yarn at Michael's last week, and I made Roomie C drive me, along with Roomie P, to go buy more. On the other hand, having no knitting to do yesterday left me so confused. I was at my wits' end trying to keep myself occupied and entertained all day. I now have an almost obscene amount of Sugar n' Cream yarn in my stash. Which has expanded into two totes now! 

     Unfortunately, the cotton is "off-limits" till next Wednesday. I decided to start a Thing A Day challenge for February, and I challenged a few of the local furries to join me in it. I know Hazy is going to join me at it. I think Stormy said she'd think about doing a Drawing A Day. I'm trying to get Roomie P to agree, but she's so unsure of herself sometimes... So, my TAD goal is to knit a washcloth every day. I'll probably get so bored by the pattern by the time a month is over, but I'll be able to put them away for any time I need a quick, "last-minute" gift.

     I can't wait to get to the store to make the still-promised Giftmas present for a certain lioness I know. And then I can get the pretty, sparkly yarn I want to make MY shawl! Because I certainly deserve something I can knit for myself! And it will be so awesome to have a handknit shawl at Anthrocon! Everyone will be so jealous!

     Let's see... What else is in my To Knit list? I was planning to make myself a hat, but I might run out of winter before I actually sit down and do that. I'm organizing a group to make afghan square to donate an afghan for Anthrocon's charity auction in 2013. Hmm...I might even pull out some of the RHSS stash and make some for an afghan to keep at home...

     It's funny...I opened up the computer with the intent of ranting about how upset I was at something. At a friend who is on the verge of sabotaging a relationship they tried to have for over a year. And to complain about how unfair it is that someone could throw away such love and devotion for a piece of tail...when I'm sitting at home just wishing that someone wanted just to be near me... But after typing just a few sentences, all I could think about was knitting, and I couldn't help but smile! So I need to share more of my fleeting joy. Can't let it get away!

My Favorite Things

     I am totally obsessed with Christmas this year. AND, I really don't want to keep whining about how difficult my life is. Things could be, and have been, worse. I'm still getting a handle on all the good things that I have in my life, but at lease I know there are things out there. So instead of complaining, I'm going to list some of my favorite Christmas gifts that I've gotten over the years. In no particular order, they are:

1. A Cabbage Patch Preemie doll (1984) -  This was the second year the Cabbage Patch Kids were popular. It was years later that I found out about my granny standing in line to get me a doll. Melissa was my first Cabbage Patch Kid, and to this day remains my favorite. 28 years later, I still have Melissa. I still sleep with her when I need a cuddle. I've gotten more expensive gifts in my life, but for some reason this one will always remain my favorite.
2. A bike (1986) - I think that was the right year? It was my very first 10-speed bike. I remember it sitting, completely assembled, in the living room. I almost died. I wanted to take it outside and ride it in the snow, but Mom wouldn't let me!
3. Abridged Classics book collection (c. 1983-1985) - I'm not sure of the year I got these, but they just seemed cool. I did read them when I was young, and according to Mom, I even understood some heavy literary concepts they held. It wasn't till I was an adult that I truly appreciated this gift. Being exposed to Charles Dickens and Mark Twain at a very young age definitely had an effect on me. I am not intimidated by the classics, because I know that they might take a bit of extra work, but are just as good of stories as anything I read now!
4. Teddy Ruxpin (c. 1988) - Can you tell I'm not very good at remembering years? Does anyone else remember the talking illiops and his octopede friend that would tell you stories from a cassette placed in his back? It was one of the earlier "read-along" characters. I remember arguing with my sister over which story we wanted to have "read" to us at night.
5. Pitt and Penn State sweatshirts (1995) - I had been accepted to Pitt. My best friend was going over to the enemy. Dad and Step-mother thought it would be cute to make sure I had one of each. And people wonder where I get my warped sense of humor?
6. Blizzard - (2003) - The first Christmas I was dating Blaze, he got me this huge stuffed white tiger. And by huge, I mean the size of a medium dog. I used it as a pillow for a while. I love my collection of stuffed tigers, and Blizzard rules over them all. I may have anger towards him now, but Blizzard stays with me, to remind me that things were good at one time. And he's that awesome of a tiger.

     I'm certain I've gotten other super presents. These are just the ones I can think of this morning. It's not just the present that sticks in my memory. It's the people around me when I got them, and how they affected me, that turns a good present into something that sticks around forever.

     Here's my challenge to you. What are your all-time best Christmas gifts? What kind of memories did they create? Are you brave enough to share them?

'Tis that season...

*sigh* Happy Winter Gift-giving Occasion! I mean, seriously. Let's take the superior-beings and dogma out of this conversation. I don't want to cause strife. I want to celebrate. And many of us have different reasons for celebrating. But in the last half of December, we all take a little bit of time to think of the people around us. And that is a wonderful thing. We shouldn't use this as our only excuse to appreciate those who are good to us all year long. That being said, I realized the other day, that this is the first time I've felt the "Christmas spirit" in several years.

      I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am not with Blaze any longer. I won't go into the drama of our relationship falling apart. If you were there, you know. If you weren't, I don't need to make him look any worse than he already does. Suffice it to say, years of feeling battered and beaten by the world around you don't make for much cheer. I didn't feel charitable toward my fellow man, when I was struggling just to pay my own bills. I couldn't afford even the smallest gifts for anyone around me. All those years when I used to take such pleasure in wrapping gifts seemed to vanish into the smoke of memory. I don't have to listen to one person's selfish demands, or his complaints that my decorations were stupid and pointless. This year, I don't have to struggle every week to survive. I have extra money that I can spend on myself and those I care about. I can put up a tree, and show off my Father Christmas figurines. I have roommates who, if they don't love my decorations, at least tolerate my excitement. 

     Boy, did I win when it came to decorating, too. I had a co-worker, L, who had found a four foot tall tree in her basement that she didn't remember ever buying. She tried to give it to her daughter, who didn't want it. The daughter wanted to buy a new, big tree for her 5 kids. L tried to give the tree to the daycare where she works her second job. They didn't want it because they'd have to buy decorations for it! When I mentioned that I still hadn't gotten a tree, L immediately gave it to me. The next day, I go to work, and another co-worker, R, puts a grocery bag on my desk. It contains two 6 foot lengths of garland and a package of 6 snowflake ornaments! There's two more people I have to come up with gifts for, now.

     And I get to give presents this year! I didn't spend a lot of money. In fact, I knitted almost all of my gifts, except when I just had to buy something specific for someone. And while knitting yesterday, I had time to think random thoughts, as I am frequently wont to do. I remembered a time when we were all horrified at the idea of receiving a hand-made gift. Why couldn't they have gone to the store and bought you something nice? It's funny how much time changes a person. Now in my 30s, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that go into making something. And after knitting gifts for ten people, with eight more to go (I need more time!) I hope those I've been thinking of feel the same way. But then again, I'm not giving gifts with the intention of being appreciated. I'm doing it because I want to, and I can. I'm able to give my friends a piece of my time when I was thinking especially of them. It makes me happy to know that they will look at whatever I gave them, and whether or not they like it, know that I cared for that brief moment in time.

     And on that note, I'm going to get back to trying to finish everyone's gifts before December 25. Because that is the Gift-Giving Day I choose to celebrate this year.