Yep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've done everything I could to avoid it. But the TV keeps shoving it in my face. And my happy friends are talking about their special plans for their partners. I'd really rather not deal with this right now. I don't need my ALONE-ness shoved in my face, when I am having enough trouble dealing with it.
In some ways, grieving a marriage is harder than mourning a person's death. When a person dies abruptly, you know there is nothing you could have done to change it. Sickness, accident, violence... These are enemies we cannot fight. But apathy, anger, disgust, rejection... These are things we're supposed to be able to overcome. I don't even know why the idea of Valentine's Day even bothers me. I was single for so long, it lost almost all meaning. Then, when I did have somebody, it didn't even matter. He didn't really seem to get the idea. Don't get me wrong. He got it right one year. That would be the time he got me a deep fryer as a gift, and made me a dinner of all my favorite fried foods. But most of the time he didn't even bother. Probably because I was so angry at his thoughtlessness at the last Valentine gift he gave me.
I had been complaining about having gained more weight than I wanted. My clothes were starting to not fit. So I made a big deal of explaining that I was going to eliminate candy and sugar from my diet, as well as try to include more fruits and vegetables instead of the pasta I usually ate. So when this time of year came around, he brought home three pounds of chocolate. There was one box containing two whole pounds of chocolate covered cherries, and another box holding an assortment of chocolate candies. That I could not eat. That I had said I could not eat. So he set the boxes on the table where we dropped everything as we came in the door, saying he would eat them. I'm still not sure how the three pounds of chocolate ended up buried under a pile of papers, but when I found them about six months later, they were now two boxes of moldy, melted, gross chocolate. Never again did he bother to do anything for me on Valentine's Day. Never made me a dinner. Never bought me a card. Never even mentioned that he knew it was Valentine's.
So, I don't know why this bothers me. I guess it's that all of this "celebrate love" crap I see everywhere makes me feel like I've failed in some way. Like the failure of my marriage makes me a failure as a woman. I know this is not true, but it doesn't make me feel better.
My "totally reasonable response" to this? I'm going to go to Payless and buy myself some new shoes. Then I'm going to get myself some chocolates and take myself to lunch. Maybe buy myself a drink. Who knows. Maybe I'll take myself home and see what happens? (just kidding)
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