I woke up in tears, terror gripping at my heart. But, I was all alone in my own room. Nothing was out of the ordinary. It was just a dream. I rolled over, pulled the blankets back up to my ears, and tried to go back to sleep. But sleep takes its time after a nightmare...
This happens to me a little too often. It used to be easy to go back to sleep. But I used to have something that would help. A pair of strong arms that would hold me and make me feel safe again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I want to run back into a major relationship just so it'd be easier to sleep. I'm just saying that some days, I desperately wish someone would just hold me and let me feel protected again.
Is that really too much to ask of my closest friends? I'm talking about the ones that I'm closest to. The ones who are allowed to see me at my weakest. Very few friends are "privileged" enough to see me cry. When I'm at my weakest is when I'm least able to ask for the things that will help me. And often, the thing I need most at my low points is someone to hug me, and perhaps let me cry on their shoulder.
The problem is quite simple. When I'm feeling in control, I don't need to lean on my friends. I can take care of myself and them. But when I'm feeling low, and I need them to step into the support role, they don't know that I'm in trouble. Because of all that crap in my past, I learned to hide my pain.They never know when I need the support I don't dare admit to.
I'm afraid to ask someone to hold me. I can hug my friends when I see that they are upset. I will let them cry on me, get the comfort they desperately need. It's easy for me to see when they need that sense of being protected and cared for.
I don't know... I'm rambling... I didn't sleep well. I woke up tired, and have been exhausted all day. I got a lot of knitting done today. Soon, I'll go back to bed. I have had someone in the same room as me for most of the day, but still feel so totally alone. It's not going to change any time soon. I need to accept this. I need to remember how to love myself. Until then, I'll never be able to accept love from anyone else, anyway.
Of all the things I miss about Pittsburgh, I miss you the most. I felt like we could talk and have dialogues about things that other people didn't understand and couldn't handle.
ReplyDeleteI feel like maybe I was a little too needy, and I wasn't able to reciprocate well enough, and I have less to offer now than even then.
But, if you ever want to talk to me, I'm always desperate for someone to chat, it reminds me that I exist.
Kiyara, my dear, you offered friendship in abundance. I am just moaning about how I feel like no one who can see me seems to notice when I'm struggling emotionally. They just go on believing everything is fine, until I start yelling, crying, or both! It certainly doesn't help that my anxiety has gotten out of control again, and I'm suffering through almost-daily panic attacks, but I don't dare whine about them when there is nothing that can change it.
DeleteWhat I want most is someone to hug me while I claw my way back to normal. But I wonder if that's even reasonable, after all the insecurities I've developed since my marriage.
You need to come back to the Burgh to visit some time. We'll gather up some friends and hit Carson St? I need more excuses to wear my most amazing corsets I bought!