Still battling these demons

• Don't get excited about anything, it's probably stupid. 
• Don't get angry, upset, or sad. That's being overly emotional.
• Don't think people actually like you. They just put up with you because you have to be around. 
• Don't talk about the things you enjoy. No one really cares. 
• Don't admit weakness. That's just asking for pity, and will make people like you even less.
• Don't try to be good at anything. You'll just fail and prove how worthless you are.

     These are actually rules I had to teach myself to live by. For years, my feelings were constantly invalidated by the person who claimed to love me most. I became ashamed of myself when I'd cry. I stopped trying to enjoy my hobbies, because they were "pointless wastes of time." I even came to believe that I had no friends, but that the people who came to my house were only there to see him. I had no one to talk to about the stress I was under.
     As a result of all this, I developed a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I'd ignore any feelings I had. I'd work myself into such a state of exhaustion that I was emotionally numb. Feelings were bad. Every time I'd tell my spouse about what I was feeling or thinking, he'd immediately find a way to throw it back at me. Even when I was half-asleep, my thoughtless mumbles became weapons aimed back at me.
     I thought I was doing good. I'm enjoying my crafting again. I have actual friends, who enjoy being around me. They don't place conditions on their friendship. I don't have to buy their affections. I started to believe that I'm worth being loved. Then last night happened.
     I mentioned the old friend that I went on that date with. We've been talking a lot. But these little voices keep poking at me. What does he really want from me? A relationship? Friendship? Just sex? What do I really want from him? I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. Everything was doing just fine, until he innocently asked a simple question. But those evil little voices! It was the same kind of thing the ex- used to do so he could set me up, to make me feel small and worthless. 
     It's come to the point where I feel the need to measure every thing I say to people, for fear that my words will be used against me. I can't easily trust people, even if I know that they are worth it. I hate this. I want to be whole again. It's not fair to the people around me to have to suffer with my insanity. Nor is it fair to me!


Edit to add: In his defense, we were communicating via Yahoo. Had we been talking face-to-face, he would have seen that something was wrong, and not pushed me the way he did. It's not his fault, when he really doesn't know about the things I went through the last few years... I won't know what things will push me over until I experience them.

It was a hot, sumer night...

     It's going to be a busy weekend. I'm probably not going to have time to update on my usual day. So I'm going to go ahead and do this early! Friday, I have some shopping to do to get ready for my convention. Saturday is Pride in the Street, and I get to see Melissa Etheridge. Then, I have Anthrocon the following weekend, complete with last-minute freak-outs and mental check-outs.

     Also, this Saturday is International Yarn-bombing Day, so I am working on a top-secret knitting project to "bomb" somewhere downtown. My Ravelry group's KAL for this month is "travel projects" and I will be working on the Loopy Lupie scarves to wear when we do the Lupus walk in September. That counts as "travel" because I'm taking it with me to Anthrocon to work on during whatever down-time I manage to have.

     I was listening to music at work last night, and a song came on that made me remember a random night, and how I failed to take a chance. So, once upon a time...

Con report: Furnandocon

     Okay. Maybe this technically wasn't a real convention. But come on. We organized an event involving 100+ furries in about two weeks!  And the money we raised! *dies* For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll rewind to somewhere closer to the beginning...

There's magic in the night...

     Come along, children. It's Tiger's Story Hour. Sit down and I'll tell you about a snag I refuse to unravel.

     Once upon a time, I had a very dear friend named Jeff. Jeff had a truck. It was ugly as sin, the color of deli mustard. We called it The Beast. For a while, I had no job and no money, but he did. So Jeff would pick me up at my mom's house and we'd go...everywhere! Jeff and I both loved Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. So we'd play music while we drove, often singing along. "Only the Good Die Young" and "Thunder Road" were Jeff's songs to me. I kind of took advantage of how much he loved me then, but that's another story for another time.

     So there was this one sunny, summer day... I'd kicked my shoes off and laid back in the passenger seat with the window down, when it struck me as a good idea to hang my feet out the window as we drove down the parkway. Jeff told me to get my naked toes inside. My response was that they weren't naked, I had nail polish on them. We were arguing about the questionable "indecency" of me showing my bare feet to the world when suddenly, Jeff burst into song along with The Boss "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright. And that's alright with me." We both burst out laughing at the timing, but I joined in and we kept on singing.

     Looking back, that was one of the best summers of my life. A lot has in the 16 years since that summer day. People have come and gone from my life. I've moved more times than I care to count. Romances have begun and ended. I'm a grown-up now, with responsibilities. I have to go to work rather than jump into the car and just drive. After living more, I better understand what the songs we listened to, and feel many of the same emotions that the singers were trying to convey.

     Jeff is gone now, taken from us by an unfortunate accident. I don't know whatever happened to that ugly Beast. I miss them both. But on sunny days when I'm riding in a different friend's car, I long to hang my naked toes out the window and sing along with the radio. In those moments, I feel a shadow of the happiness I shared with Jeff. I'm still not a beauty, but there's still magic in the night. And that's all right with me.