WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.

Still battling these demons

• Don't get excited about anything, it's probably stupid. 
• Don't get angry, upset, or sad. That's being overly emotional.
• Don't think people actually like you. They just put up with you because you have to be around. 
• Don't talk about the things you enjoy. No one really cares. 
• Don't admit weakness. That's just asking for pity, and will make people like you even less.
• Don't try to be good at anything. You'll just fail and prove how worthless you are.

     These are actually rules I had to teach myself to live by. For years, my feelings were constantly invalidated by the person who claimed to love me most. I became ashamed of myself when I'd cry. I stopped trying to enjoy my hobbies, because they were "pointless wastes of time." I even came to believe that I had no friends, but that the people who came to my house were only there to see him. I had no one to talk to about the stress I was under.
     As a result of all this, I developed a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I'd ignore any feelings I had. I'd work myself into such a state of exhaustion that I was emotionally numb. Feelings were bad. Every time I'd tell my spouse about what I was feeling or thinking, he'd immediately find a way to throw it back at me. Even when I was half-asleep, my thoughtless mumbles became weapons aimed back at me.
     I thought I was doing good. I'm enjoying my crafting again. I have actual friends, who enjoy being around me. They don't place conditions on their friendship. I don't have to buy their affections. I started to believe that I'm worth being loved. Then last night happened.
     I mentioned the old friend that I went on that date with. We've been talking a lot. But these little voices keep poking at me. What does he really want from me? A relationship? Friendship? Just sex? What do I really want from him? I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. Everything was doing just fine, until he innocently asked a simple question. But those evil little voices! It was the same kind of thing the ex- used to do so he could set me up, to make me feel small and worthless. 
     It's come to the point where I feel the need to measure every thing I say to people, for fear that my words will be used against me. I can't easily trust people, even if I know that they are worth it. I hate this. I want to be whole again. It's not fair to the people around me to have to suffer with my insanity. Nor is it fair to me!


Edit to add: In his defense, we were communicating via Yahoo. Had we been talking face-to-face, he would have seen that something was wrong, and not pushed me the way he did. It's not his fault, when he really doesn't know about the things I went through the last few years... I won't know what things will push me over until I experience them.

An Interesting Discussion on Same-Sex Marriage

     I follow an account on Twitter, @homophobes. They re-tweet offensive statements about gays. I read one such tweet about same-sex marriage that didn't seem as offensive as most others. This girl's statement was that she didn't think same sex couples should get married in religious institutions, and that she knew that she could only speak for herself. I responded to her with a question about whether she was ok with legal civil unions, to which she said she was fine. Had I really meet someone on the internet who understood "separation of church and state"?! I thanked her for indulging me, and thought the interaction was over.
     Several weeks later, I get a message from a gentleman challenging me that "civil unions are not marriages." We continued to go back and forth for multiple days trying to express or views. I was increasingly frustrated by Twitter's 140 character limit. We were sending two- and three-part messages debating the difference between "unions" and "marriages". Eventually, I had to put the conversation on hold. I was screaming at a person I didn't know, and couldn't even see. Our common language was preventing us from communicating clearly. This post is, hopefully, going to help.
     The loudest, most frequent argument against same-sex marriage is that the Bible says it's wrong. I've read some interesting views regarding homosexuality and religion, but let's table that for now. People argue that "marriage" is a religious institution. Nowadays, straight couples get married in a church, and it also creates a legal bond.. I may be wrong, but it's my understanding that this stems from the days when governments were irrevocably tired to the Church. I have spoken to people who do not object to same-sex couples having the same legal rights of marriage, as long as their church didn't have to perform the services.
     In my previous encounter, back in October, I used the word "union" to describe the legal status. I was relying on the concept of " multiple made one" with the intent that it would include ANY couple. I wanted to take religion out of the conversation, and discuss the idea as a legal concept, rather than a religious one. When I was married, we went to the courthouse, because we didn't want to be wed in a church we didn't believe in. As such, I considered marriage" to be a "legal union".
     Just because I used to be married to a man doesn't mean I am not fully invested in this fight. My next love may just as easily be a woman. My roommates are all men who prefer the company of other men. What happens when they want the same advantages I used to have? My aunt was denied access to her wife's bedside after surgery, because their relationship had no legal standing.
     I honestly believe my country would be well served to use a different term than "marriage" for any couple. This would remove the risk of trying to create a separate but equal situation, which history shows is not truly equal.
     If the gentleman from Twitter reads this, I hope you can see that we really do want the same thing. We were just stumbling over a misunderstanding of vocabulary. I was trying to avoid the word "marriage" because of its religious undertones. You are fighting FOR the same word because of its place in the common lexicon. I know I have difficulty expressing complex thoughts without getting confusing. Does this do any good at trying to explain my viewpoint any better?