Stumbling through life

     As I have mentioned before, my sister has lupus. For those who may not know what lupus is, it's an auto-immune disorder, where the body begins attacking its own organs. Yeah, your immune system basically gets really hyperactive and confuses your lungs with the flu! Actually, it can attack any organ, including the brain or the heart. There is no cure. And it can be fatal. BUT, it doesn't have to be. So, said sister has been trying for some time to do her best to try raising awareness of this life-threatening disease. And I like the idea of trying to help her, so we started a Facebook group for the friends and family of those who have been diagnosed with lupus. If you're interested in supporting those who support lupies, it is at Someone I Love Has Lupus.

     This all started a few months ago when she said she wanted to start a blog. After weeks of discussing format, we began discussing a name for her blog. She wanted to use her blog to spread awareness, but didn't want to be solely as someone with lupus. Then she got intimidated about how difficult it would be to actually write a blog. So I was conned into starting this blog you are reading. Yesterday, she tells me she is contemplating having a group for family members of lupies, so they could have a place to share what they are going through, caring for someone else. She understood that caregivers/emotional supporters would need a place to talk about how difficult their family can be. Then this morning, she told me it's all my baby! *sigh*

     It seems I tend to fall backwards into things in this life. From getting hired at a job after applying for a lower-paying position, to becoming my sister's reluctant champion, I don't know what I did, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Family, Friends and Facebook

     You know, it's funny. I was married, and I thought my world was supposed to revolve around my husband. When people close to me had a problem with him, I stopped spending time with them. He didn't work. He didn't have a bus pass. He didn't have the same opportunities I had to get out of the house that I did. So when I got an invitation to go somewhere, if he wasn't welcome, I didn't go. This resulted in me distancing myself from most of my friends and family. I let myself become convinced that my family didn't care about me because they didn't offer to come get us for the holidays without me having to ask. So I had nothing to do with the family, except for funerals, for all that time. And even those were a challenge to handle. I wasn't able to share my grief with family because he didn't want to be around them.

     I didn't realize until it was almost too late that I had not spoken to an aunt, uncle, or cousin in five years. I held a grudge against my father for not approving of my spouse. I had pushed away more friends than I can count because they didn't want to have to constantly pick us up to go do things. No one wanted to have to pay for us all the time because I never had any money to spare after paying the bills and buying what he needed every time I got paid.

     I'm going to TRY to be nice about this while still telling the truth. I didn't believe that he could be doing this on purpose. So that he would be the only person I had to turn to for everything. But three things saved me from that. Family that believed I would see the light, so they could help me. Friends who cared enough to stick around no matter how much of a  pain I was. And Facebook, which allowed me to have a lifeline. A way to say how awful I felt, so those I was pushing away could see how much I didn't really mean it. It took a long time, but finally, the right people stumbled into my life. They understood the pain I was hiding. They knew just what to say to show they cared. They gave me the room to make my own decision to leave that unhealthy place in my life, along with an open door.

     This holiday season, I am so very grateful to the friends and family in my life. Not all of them will ever understand this. I am trying to show it whenever I can, in what little ways I can. I hope they know that I think of them often, after each smile. Or when I stop laughing at something. They are the reason I am able to feel and express freely. It is so wonderful not to walk on eggshells, worrying that I'm going to upset him with my selfish desire to have time with friends.

     And to anyone in a situation similar to mine, I just want you to know you are not alone. There is someone in your life WAITING for you to want their love and help. And there is someone you don't even know who shared your pain, wishing they could make it all go away...