Leaving you was easier than being gone

     Not that I'd ever contemplate going back. But yesterday, I was thinking and I realized that I don't really like living with roommates, but I don't want to live alone, either. It might just be that there are so many people living at the Creatively Named Furry House, and I need to live with only one or two roommates, rather than four. But I also spent much of my night at work fending off the wave of lonely.

     My internet radio decided to spend the night playing every song ever recorded to remind me that I'm single again. The worst offender was "Break Down Here". I heard both versions last night, Trace Adkins's and Julie Robert's. It's so hard dealing with this. Most days, I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm moving forward. I'm making plans for an actual future and following through with them. Then days like yesterday happen. Days where I just want someone to hug, to sit next to while watching TV, to exist with while doing separate things in general closeness to each other.

      I don't know. I suppose there was a comfort factor, knowing that he was there. When he wasn't telling me how useless I was or what a screw-up I was, Blaze did tell me he loved me. And in his warped way, I think he did. But it was so unhealthy. But I still miss it. This realization is what keeps me lonely. I know that while I feel this need to feel romantic love, I will make bad decisions and rush into another unhealthy relationship just to fill that void.

     I was talking to one guy I met online. We have met in person, and there was definitely some chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, when I had made up my mind to indulge myself in a casual, no-strings affair, he started getting very manipulative and trying to pressure me into doing things that I have no intention of doing. So nothing has happened, and now, nothing is going to happen. And it's all his fault, because I told him what I expected  and needed from him, but he can't give me the space I need. So I won't give him any more of my time. It's his loss, because I know I'm totally worth the wait.
     So I'm sitting in my bedroom, spending my morning on the internet, yet again. People keep telling me to get out and meet people, but it's not easy to do when I work nights, and most people are at work in the mornings. The people I'm most likely to meet at 10am during the week are probably not the best dating material. And my social circle is so small, and I still struggle with social anxiety. I don't know. I guess all there is to do is to just keep going through the days. I wasn't looking when I met the man I married. I had given up to despair when I was given the opportunity to find myself again. I'm sure that if I just keep going and trust the forces of the universe, I will eventually find the right person for the next phase of my life.