All by myself

Do you ever fell alone in a crowd? Even when surrounded by the people you call friends? I feel that way all too often. I don't know why. There is just something inside me that won't let me believe that they really want to be around me. I don't know when this really started.
I never had a lot of friends growing up. When I joined any kind of club out group, I always found myselfon the fringes of everything. Nothing I could do would get me into the "inner circles." Even in adulthood, I've found a wonderful group of people, buy there is always that little voice inside that tells me they only tolerate me because of who I know, or that they only want something from me. It's a terrible feeling. It doesn't help that I had someone on my life that told me I was merely tolerated, and that these weren't really "my" friends. I've come to know differently, but it's hard to believe sometimes. That little voice just won't let me.
I don't like feeling so alone and emotionally isolated. I'm afraid to tell people when something is bothering me. I'm convinced that if I reveal how hurt and scared I am, the few friends I have will vanish. So I suffer in silence. I try to enjoy being around my social circle, but I know I'm holding large portions of myself hidden. I wear a mask that is confident and capable, when I am anything but.