I'm disgusted with myself. When I was in high school, I lived at least a half hour from all of my friends. I didn't get to hang out like a normal teenager. Weekends were spent at home. I watched TV or read a book, and was happy. I lived on my own. When I didn't have a roommate, there were many times I'd go days without seeing anyone. I was sick in bed for a week without any outside communication, and didn't care. Now, I fall into a bottomless pit of despair if I go two days without having someone to hang out with.
I was mad at myself for feeling lonely, so I didn't most of last week in a mass of rage. So this weekend, I decided to let myself actually be sad about it. That resulted in my crying for almost two hours. That merely resulted in me getting a massive headache. So I accepted an invitation to go out with Roomie C. I had a panic attack and made everyone leave early. (I won't believe they wanted to go too.)
I hate this. I don't feel any better today. I've tried ignoring the sadness. I've tried cheering myself up. I tried embracing my emotions. I don't feel like myself yet. The longer this lasts, the manner the little voice in my head gets. People tell me things will get better in time, but when? In the meanwhile, my little voice is explaining that no one wants to be around me because I'm unpleasant and moody.
Fuck that little voice! All it does of make things worse. I don't want to think about why people don't like me. I don't want to feel like I should push my friends away before they start to hate me. Something has to change soon.
Monday, September 17, 2012
The self-loathing continues
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Have you considered seeing a therapist?
ReplyDeleteI know it helped me a lot when I was feeling a lot of similar things.
I wish I'd been around to reply more often, as I have gone through a lot of similar things, but alas, 2,000 miles and a lack of internet access tends to keep one behind on stuff.
In my experience, therapists have some me no good. I once complained about feeling lonely because I had trouble making friends. Her suggestion was to "go make a friend." Another wouldn't return my calls to make an appointment, then dismiss me from care because "I refused to communicate."
ReplyDeleteI am on medication for my anxiety, but if I'm having panic attacks again, it doesn't seen to be working as good. I know this crap will pass eventually. It's just so HARD waiting it out.