I was sitting at my kitchen table by myself this morning, having a cup of coffee. It brought back memories of once upon a time ago, when I moved into my first apartment alone. I remember how empowered I felt. I was living on my own, working at a good job. Everything in the world was ahead of me. There was nothing I enjoyed more at that point than sitting at my own kitchen table and just thinking about where I had been, and where I was going.
Fast forward a few years. New table. New coffee pot. New kitchen. Still thinking. Ten years after I started living alone, a lot has happened, so I have a lot more to think about. No longer does the morning coffee revolve around what to make for dinner, or who I am hanging out with the next weekend. Morning coffee is now a time to relax after work. It's a time to remember. Plans are now about what to buy at the grocery store, and serious concerns about where I'm going to live after August.
It was bittersweet to realize that I was doing the same thing in a different place. I used to wonder if I'd ever meet someone I'd want to spend my life with. Now, I mourn the end of having someone to be with. So much has changed, yet so much is still the same. I feel like I have moved backwards. It's very hard to see a positive future right now. I've emailed so many landlords about houses, but none have gotten back to me. I'm purposely single, but I feel like something is wrong with me, that I can't romantically attract anyone.
Maybe this is just a horrible combination of the wet weather, and being left alone in my apartment. I'm sure I'll feel better once Roomie P's birthday party gets started!
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