My year 2011 in review

     I think I'll join the rest of the world in a brief look back, before I begin looking forward again. 2011 has been quite a year for me.

     In a moment of weak-mindedness, I thought it would be a great idea to be on the Anthrocon staff. OK, so it was a good idea. I got the chance to meet a lot of great new furries. I don't get the chance to enjoy the convention in the same way as I'm used to, but who really needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or more while sitting on the sidewalk? I never really went to a lot of panels. And I get to meet so many artists!

     Actually, I took it upon myself to start getting more active in Pittsburgh's local furry community. In the fall, roomie P and I took over organizing the local furmeets. I enjoy being able to ensure at least one furmeet I can actually get to. I had the opportunity to get closer to acquaintances that I managed to turn into friends. During all that time I was being told no one cared about me, there was a group of people wishing I could find the time to hang out with them. And boy was I glad to know these people were around!

     Because in August, I'd had it. I was just DONE with Blaze's crap. I was finished with not being able to pay the bills. I was finished with having to come home from work, do all the shopping, try to get the apartment clean, take care of myself, feed the lazy fox who would rather complain about being hungry than cook food that was in the pantry. It was too much to want to be able to knit or play XBox. I didn't need to pursue any hobbies. I just needed to do everything for him... </rant> Yeah.... So when certain good friends told me there was an extra room in the apartment they were moving to, I actually seized the opportunity, and moved the hell out. I had every intention of starting over with one suitcase of clothes, and nothing else. But I not only got almost everything I needed, I actually have a pretty decent life now.

     So with this year coming to a close, I can safely say that while it was a rough one, at least it was a good one. My resolution for the coming year is to remember to think of myself. I resolve to put myself first more often. I will not worry about taking care of others to my own detriment. Here's to hoping that 2012 is a little smoother for us all.

Stumbling through life

     As I have mentioned before, my sister has lupus. For those who may not know what lupus is, it's an auto-immune disorder, where the body begins attacking its own organs. Yeah, your immune system basically gets really hyperactive and confuses your lungs with the flu! Actually, it can attack any organ, including the brain or the heart. There is no cure. And it can be fatal. BUT, it doesn't have to be. So, said sister has been trying for some time to do her best to try raising awareness of this life-threatening disease. And I like the idea of trying to help her, so we started a Facebook group for the friends and family of those who have been diagnosed with lupus. If you're interested in supporting those who support lupies, it is at Someone I Love Has Lupus.

     This all started a few months ago when she said she wanted to start a blog. After weeks of discussing format, we began discussing a name for her blog. She wanted to use her blog to spread awareness, but didn't want to be solely as someone with lupus. Then she got intimidated about how difficult it would be to actually write a blog. So I was conned into starting this blog you are reading. Yesterday, she tells me she is contemplating having a group for family members of lupies, so they could have a place to share what they are going through, caring for someone else. She understood that caregivers/emotional supporters would need a place to talk about how difficult their family can be. Then this morning, she told me it's all my baby! *sigh*

     It seems I tend to fall backwards into things in this life. From getting hired at a job after applying for a lower-paying position, to becoming my sister's reluctant champion, I don't know what I did, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Murry Drunkmas

     Well, my plans to be drunk all Christmas were a success. And by success, I mean failure. I don't know what got into my head that made me think it was a good idea to drink only alcohol for two days. And I did not entirely succeed at that.

    Christmas Eve, I had other things to do. I had bought a 4-pack of 2-glass-sized bottles of Lambrusco, and I drank two of them on Saturday night. But with company over, I didn't want to get drunk. I had just enough to feel buzzy, but was still fully coherent and sane. Christmas day was a slightly different story. I woke up with about half a pot of coffee. But breakfast was accompanied by champagne and cranberry juice. Then I needed a nap, because I'd had a very poor night's sleep on the living room floor. I woke up around 2pm, and after another cup of coffee, I opened the Captain Morgan. Oh, Captain... You are my best frenemy... But I kept having Gatorade in between each drink. I didn't think throwing up before dinner was a good idea.

     After dinner was another story, entirely. Art showed up. With Kracken. She knows exactly what happens when I drink rum. But I was a good little tiger. Really. I even kept my shirt on the whole time! I have no clue how last night happened, or why.

     But as much as I want to ramble on about the crazy night I had last night... M?y tummy demands food and more Gatorade!

Shopping therapy... Why does it work?

     So this morning, roomie P and I were in seriously funky moods. I can't know her motivations, but I can say I think mine was just a result of holiday blah. After spending over a month knitting, and the purchasing of gifts for everyone I could, I was starting to lose my holiday spirit. My plans for Christmas were not falling into place the way I had hoped. It is warm enough that I can walk to the corner bar wearing only a long-sleeved shirt.

     But during lunch, we accidentally hit on the perfect solution. We had to go to the store to buy some pop and snacks for tomorrow. And since the grocery was closing ridiculously early, why didn't we just go to Wal-Mart? $20 of selfishness later, I was feeling better again. I got myself some new shoes for work, some stitch markers for my knitting, and a ball of hot pink cotton yarn. OK, so the yarn isn't exactly for me... But I really want to try to get A's present finished before I see her tomorrow. And that will make me happy. Roomie P got herself some new shoes, too, along with a MLP Rarity figure.

     It was very odd, being at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve, and the store was not nearly as full as I thought It'd be. And much more satisfying than I had hoped it could be. What is it about these moments of selfish, instant gratification that make us feel so good. Because most of the people who indulge in these frivolous spending ventures are the very ones who cannot afford it.

     You know what? I'm going to put away the shoes, and the knitting stuff. I have some lovely red wine in my fridge, and friends on their way over. We're going to have cookies while we just sit around and relax. I've earned the chance to enjoy tonight and tomorrow. And I'm going to do just that. Without thinking about it too much!

     Merry Christmas, all! I hope that in this dark and depressing world we live in is brightened by even the smallest hope. From the potential in a new ball of yarn, to the prospect of time with loved ones, it's time to enjoy our new beginnings.

Togetherness, my butt!

     I quit! At Thanksgiving, it was my idea to host an Orphans' Christmas at our apartment. And the roommates all thought this was a wonderful idea. We have plenty of friends who, for more reasons than can be counted, are not able to spend the holiday with family. One was kicked out of the house by his mother, another's family lives in another state.

     So for the last month, I have been the one posting in the message boards to invite people with a request for people to RSVP so we know how many people to worry about feeding. I've gotten exactly two definite "I'm coming" responses. And several people who "will try to come" or "might stop by." I'm glad I didn't TELL PEOPLE I WAS PLANNING TO COOK and that I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY MOUTHS TO FEED!

     With two days till Christmas, the apartment is a pig-sty. No one wants to help me clean and make the place look nice for our company. Because it's just going to be the same friends who come over all the time, so why make a big deal?

     Today, I asked roomies C and J to go with me to the grocery store. Both said yes, then turned around and played video games for two hours. So I walked to the store alone to buy the stuff to make breakfast for Christmas morning. And now, I don't want to!

     At this point, I just want to take their collective Christmas presents and shove them in some very uncomfortable places. And perform unspeakable atrocities with a Christmas tree. I want to call the friends who have nowhere else to go, and tell them the holiday is cancelled because my roommates are idiots.
    I really wish I didn't have such a sudden mood-swing. I was having such a good time enjoying the holiday season...

STILL not finished!

     It's coming down to the wire, and I still have gifts to finish making. And a few yet to buy. I guess that's what I have coming to me for deciding that I had to share myself with everyone I care about this year. But it's so much nicer than sitting around feeling guilty that I couldn't afford to buy gifts for ANYONE. I still need to finish up presents for A's munchkins, a few friends that I'm not exceptionally close to, and roommate C. Who is exceedingly difficult when it comes to deciding on what to get him for Christmas.

     Today's to-do list includes, finish up Batty's present. Clean up public rooms of apartment. Sweep/mop floors. Go to liquor store to get champagne for Christmas mimosas/chrysanthemums. Go to grocery store for cookies, frosting, bread, and other odds and ends to turn into Christmas dinner. Do laundry. Feed myself at some point. Get to bed before 4, so I can wake up when roomie P gets home for dinner. I know I'm forgetting something, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what.

     Right now, I'm laying on the living room floor trying to drink coffee. I'm not doing well, because it's very hard to do when lying on one's side. But since we still have no furniture after 3 months, and it's going to be at least another month before roomie J gets that futon... I'm spending a lot of time on the floor. Especially since someone took my chair from the kitchen table into their bedroom...

     Two more days till the holiday... and I'm selfishly hoping to get those JoAnn's gift cards I asked for. I have a bunch of things on my wish-list to buy for myself. I want to challenge myself on an item or two, as well as work on the IDK It's a Shrug before I kick off Thing-A-Day in February. I suppose I'll have to buy enough yarn to support that, as well.

     Mind wandering too far... Can't keep in anywhere near on track... I'm gonna go for now. See if I can actually knit at all today!

Yarn-y rant of the day...

     I have been busy! I knitted up around twenty Christmas presents. I have three more I'd like to get done before the big day, but I don't know if I'm actually going to see these people before mid-January, so I'm not stressing over it. I even managed to keep up with the "last-minute" people I kept adding to my own list. I'm feeling pretty darned good about myself today.

     I still haven't gotten my package of yarn I ordered from JoAnn Fabrics. I don't even know where to go to complain that it hasn't arrived. JoAnn did a good job keeping me informed of my order's status as it was being filled. FedEx had a link to track the order as it moved along from center to center until it was delivered to a post office in Pittsburgh. Now, it is trapped in postal hell, and no one knows how to find it. *headdesk* Then, I keep forgetting to print out the pattern for the last few things I want to make. And I'd have to download it to be able to see on the roomie's computer. I don't want to do that. I don't think it's right to be downloading anything onto someone else's computer without express permission. And I don't think about asking. Because my brain is usually not on patterns when I see her in the mornings.

     So this morning, I decided to make myself a new dishcloth. This new variant includes using four strands of crochet thread and size 5 needles. It feels a little funny, so I don't dare use it for a shower, but it should be awesome for dishes! After that, I really need to find my damned measuring tape, because I want to use the awesome new yarn I bought! I picked up some Mini Mochi in a pretty, pastel rainbow color. I plan to make myself some new wrist-warmers for the office. They'll look a lot better than my tiger paws. Those are a little over-sized and they're starting to wear a it rough since I've had them for a year now.

    I dunno... I know... I'm feeling the nonsense today. It's raining outside, and that tends to either depress me or send me into fits of silly to counteract the dreariness. That and the pot of coffee I've been drinking all morning! *bounces around the living room* I'm gonna get back to that dishcloth. It'll never get done if I don't!

My Favorite Things

     I am totally obsessed with Christmas this year. AND, I really don't want to keep whining about how difficult my life is. Things could be, and have been, worse. I'm still getting a handle on all the good things that I have in my life, but at lease I know there are things out there. So instead of complaining, I'm going to list some of my favorite Christmas gifts that I've gotten over the years. In no particular order, they are:

1. A Cabbage Patch Preemie doll (1984) -  This was the second year the Cabbage Patch Kids were popular. It was years later that I found out about my granny standing in line to get me a doll. Melissa was my first Cabbage Patch Kid, and to this day remains my favorite. 28 years later, I still have Melissa. I still sleep with her when I need a cuddle. I've gotten more expensive gifts in my life, but for some reason this one will always remain my favorite.
2. A bike (1986) - I think that was the right year? It was my very first 10-speed bike. I remember it sitting, completely assembled, in the living room. I almost died. I wanted to take it outside and ride it in the snow, but Mom wouldn't let me!
3. Abridged Classics book collection (c. 1983-1985) - I'm not sure of the year I got these, but they just seemed cool. I did read them when I was young, and according to Mom, I even understood some heavy literary concepts they held. It wasn't till I was an adult that I truly appreciated this gift. Being exposed to Charles Dickens and Mark Twain at a very young age definitely had an effect on me. I am not intimidated by the classics, because I know that they might take a bit of extra work, but are just as good of stories as anything I read now!
4. Teddy Ruxpin (c. 1988) - Can you tell I'm not very good at remembering years? Does anyone else remember the talking illiops and his octopede friend that would tell you stories from a cassette placed in his back? It was one of the earlier "read-along" characters. I remember arguing with my sister over which story we wanted to have "read" to us at night.
5. Pitt and Penn State sweatshirts (1995) - I had been accepted to Pitt. My best friend was going over to the enemy. Dad and Step-mother thought it would be cute to make sure I had one of each. And people wonder where I get my warped sense of humor?
6. Blizzard - (2003) - The first Christmas I was dating Blaze, he got me this huge stuffed white tiger. And by huge, I mean the size of a medium dog. I used it as a pillow for a while. I love my collection of stuffed tigers, and Blizzard rules over them all. I may have anger towards him now, but Blizzard stays with me, to remind me that things were good at one time. And he's that awesome of a tiger.

     I'm certain I've gotten other super presents. These are just the ones I can think of this morning. It's not just the present that sticks in my memory. It's the people around me when I got them, and how they affected me, that turns a good present into something that sticks around forever.

     Here's my challenge to you. What are your all-time best Christmas gifts? What kind of memories did they create? Are you brave enough to share them?

Why do I do this? Answers would be helpful.

     I was thinking the other day about why people blog, and why people read blogs. That was too big of an idea for my pitiful little mind to fathom. So then I started wondering why I decided to start this blog, and whether people would really care what I had to say. The first part of this is all I could legitimately answer. I need to write to sort out how I feel about a lot of things. Because if I don't I worry that my brain might explode, or I might just fail to cope with things that may or may not be important. I don't know for certain why anyone would want to read what I have to say, other than the idea that perhaps they are, or have been, in a similar situation at some point.

     I was in a toxic and unhealthy marriage. I left it less than 4 months ago. After five years of marriage and 3 years of dating, I was told many things that made me feel like less than a whole and valuable person. I am only just beginning to realize how warped my thought process has become.

     I have estranged myself from my family. This is mostly an effect from the last eight years. But I let it happen. I don't know how to rebuild these relationships, but it will happen eventually. One family member at a time, I am beginning to reach out and try.

     I have a sister. She is my only sibling, and she has lupus. We always love each other, but we don't always like each other. But her diagnosis with a chronic and life threatening disease has brought us closer than we have in years.

     I feel alone a lot of the time. After eight years with my ex-husband, I got used to having someone to talk to almost any time. He didn't often listen, or even care, but he was there. Friends aren't obligated to listen to your constant whining. After a while, they will stop coming around. I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time, but I need an outlet for all these feelings.

     Don't get me wrong. I am not a ball of angst and depression. I do have plenty of good times. I love that I learned to knit. Showing off all the things that I've made gives me such a feeling of pride and accomplishment. I know people who are jealous of my ability. I enjoy helping friends who are knitters. Knitting takes up a lot of my time these days and not just because of the holidays.

     I guess I've babbled enough for now. I would appreciate anyone telling me whether they really want me to keep babbling at them. Am I doing any good for anyone other than myself?

Family, Friends and Facebook

     You know, it's funny. I was married, and I thought my world was supposed to revolve around my husband. When people close to me had a problem with him, I stopped spending time with them. He didn't work. He didn't have a bus pass. He didn't have the same opportunities I had to get out of the house that I did. So when I got an invitation to go somewhere, if he wasn't welcome, I didn't go. This resulted in me distancing myself from most of my friends and family. I let myself become convinced that my family didn't care about me because they didn't offer to come get us for the holidays without me having to ask. So I had nothing to do with the family, except for funerals, for all that time. And even those were a challenge to handle. I wasn't able to share my grief with family because he didn't want to be around them.

     I didn't realize until it was almost too late that I had not spoken to an aunt, uncle, or cousin in five years. I held a grudge against my father for not approving of my spouse. I had pushed away more friends than I can count because they didn't want to have to constantly pick us up to go do things. No one wanted to have to pay for us all the time because I never had any money to spare after paying the bills and buying what he needed every time I got paid.

     I'm going to TRY to be nice about this while still telling the truth. I didn't believe that he could be doing this on purpose. So that he would be the only person I had to turn to for everything. But three things saved me from that. Family that believed I would see the light, so they could help me. Friends who cared enough to stick around no matter how much of a  pain I was. And Facebook, which allowed me to have a lifeline. A way to say how awful I felt, so those I was pushing away could see how much I didn't really mean it. It took a long time, but finally, the right people stumbled into my life. They understood the pain I was hiding. They knew just what to say to show they cared. They gave me the room to make my own decision to leave that unhealthy place in my life, along with an open door.

     This holiday season, I am so very grateful to the friends and family in my life. Not all of them will ever understand this. I am trying to show it whenever I can, in what little ways I can. I hope they know that I think of them often, after each smile. Or when I stop laughing at something. They are the reason I am able to feel and express freely. It is so wonderful not to walk on eggshells, worrying that I'm going to upset him with my selfish desire to have time with friends.

     And to anyone in a situation similar to mine, I just want you to know you are not alone. There is someone in your life WAITING for you to want their love and help. And there is someone you don't even know who shared your pain, wishing they could make it all go away...

It's beginning to look a lot like... nothing...

     Like I said the other day, I'm really enjoying this Christmas thing like I did as a child. Every day, some new holiday thing appears in the living room. A nekkid little tree, decorations making it onto said tree, garland on the stair-railing, Father Christmas figurines... Little by little, I am adding physical form to my emotions. It's almost as much fun as I remembered. It won't be much longer before I start playing Christmas carols at home, as well as at work.

     That being said, I have one major stumbling block when it comes to holiday spirit. I don't see any decorations outside my apartment! Don't get me wrong, there are a few businesses that have put snowflakes and garland in their windows, but that's pretty much it. None of the neighbors have any lights in their windows. The only decoration at the building where I work is a lonely tree in the middle of a spartan lobby.

     What happened? I realize I live in the city now, rather than suburbia. Not everyone has lawns to decorate. But I'm sure it's not just a fuzzy-memory from my childhood that people used to decorate for Christmas. I remember houses you were sure you could see from outer space and Christmas trees in the living room window of every house. Today, I walk outside and my neighborhood looks much like it did when I moved here in September, only with more dead leaves and the need to wear a jacket. I may be excited that Christmas is coming, but I was surprised to realize that it's just over a week away. I feel depressed by the lack of urgency or excitement by anyone around me.

     Maybe if it would snow....

'Tis that season...

*sigh* Happy Winter Gift-giving Occasion! I mean, seriously. Let's take the superior-beings and dogma out of this conversation. I don't want to cause strife. I want to celebrate. And many of us have different reasons for celebrating. But in the last half of December, we all take a little bit of time to think of the people around us. And that is a wonderful thing. We shouldn't use this as our only excuse to appreciate those who are good to us all year long. That being said, I realized the other day, that this is the first time I've felt the "Christmas spirit" in several years.

      I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am not with Blaze any longer. I won't go into the drama of our relationship falling apart. If you were there, you know. If you weren't, I don't need to make him look any worse than he already does. Suffice it to say, years of feeling battered and beaten by the world around you don't make for much cheer. I didn't feel charitable toward my fellow man, when I was struggling just to pay my own bills. I couldn't afford even the smallest gifts for anyone around me. All those years when I used to take such pleasure in wrapping gifts seemed to vanish into the smoke of memory. I don't have to listen to one person's selfish demands, or his complaints that my decorations were stupid and pointless. This year, I don't have to struggle every week to survive. I have extra money that I can spend on myself and those I care about. I can put up a tree, and show off my Father Christmas figurines. I have roommates who, if they don't love my decorations, at least tolerate my excitement. 

     Boy, did I win when it came to decorating, too. I had a co-worker, L, who had found a four foot tall tree in her basement that she didn't remember ever buying. She tried to give it to her daughter, who didn't want it. The daughter wanted to buy a new, big tree for her 5 kids. L tried to give the tree to the daycare where she works her second job. They didn't want it because they'd have to buy decorations for it! When I mentioned that I still hadn't gotten a tree, L immediately gave it to me. The next day, I go to work, and another co-worker, R, puts a grocery bag on my desk. It contains two 6 foot lengths of garland and a package of 6 snowflake ornaments! There's two more people I have to come up with gifts for, now.

     And I get to give presents this year! I didn't spend a lot of money. In fact, I knitted almost all of my gifts, except when I just had to buy something specific for someone. And while knitting yesterday, I had time to think random thoughts, as I am frequently wont to do. I remembered a time when we were all horrified at the idea of receiving a hand-made gift. Why couldn't they have gone to the store and bought you something nice? It's funny how much time changes a person. Now in my 30s, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that go into making something. And after knitting gifts for ten people, with eight more to go (I need more time!) I hope those I've been thinking of feel the same way. But then again, I'm not giving gifts with the intention of being appreciated. I'm doing it because I want to, and I can. I'm able to give my friends a piece of my time when I was thinking especially of them. It makes me happy to know that they will look at whatever I gave them, and whether or not they like it, know that I cared for that brief moment in time.

     And on that note, I'm going to get back to trying to finish everyone's gifts before December 25. Because that is the Gift-Giving Day I choose to celebrate this year.

Welcome to the tangled mess of my mind

Not that tangles are necessarily a bad thing. Friendships, family, romantic relationships... These can be good things. But sometimes, I feel more like that ball of yarn that the cat got to. A snarly mess, where you can't find beginning or end and don't know where to start.

And that is definitely where I am right now. Where should I start? There are those who would say to begin at the beginning, but that was a long time many stories ago. I think I'll just start with now, and keep moving forward. I'll fill in the gaps in the stories when I notice that information is missing. Because that is just how I think. And sometimes, I insist people know things they have no reason to have learned.

So here's the short version. I'm me. A mess. I have friends and family who put up with me for reasons I have yet to fathom. I knit. A lot. You don't have to be crazy to know me, but it helps. This blog is going to consist of a lot of mental meanderings while I contemplate my life, relationships, and yarn. All three of these things are tangled up to create the mess known as Morgain.