I feel like I should have seen it coming sooner. When I look back over the last few weeks, I can see the signs. I've been extra forgetful, having trouble sleeping, violent in my anger at small things... But then I woke up on Saturday and it was like I had no feelings. It's like someone switched off my desire to enjoy things and replaced it with a desire to sleep forever. I spent much of that day staring disgustedly at the crochet in my hands, loathing it for not becoming what I wanted it to be. Watching Netflix hasn't been the haven it normally is, because all of the shows I normally watch while relaxing feel off and less pleasant than normal.
I hate this! The only positive I can see in this current flare up of ugliness is that I don't hate myself and I don't think I'd be better off among the not-living. While I'm exhausted and emotionally blank, I know that I am still deserving of love, and that has been a Very Hard Lesson to learn over the years. I know I'm not a failure even though I made major mistakes in the recent past. These are the kind of mistakes I make when I am not at my best, and nothing actually went wrong. Everything was able to be fixed and I just have to straighten myself out again.
In the meanwhile, I will continue to take care of myself. I will shower, even when I don't feel like it. I will eat at regular intervals, not constantly snack on junk food. I will try to keep my sleep schedule as normal as I can. I will work on crochet projects that behave so I can see something go right and start trying to feel better, even if it's only a little bit at a time.
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