The annual holiday melt-down

     But really... I feel like I have this immense weight on my shoulders. No matter what I do, it never seems to get lighter. I do everything I can, but as soon as I think I've got things under control, someone dumps a fresh pile of rocks on top of me. Now, I don't know how to handle what's going on. I struggle so often, not only to be a responsible adult, but also to be a good and supportive friend to those around me.
     Now I find out that I don't just feel taken advantage of. I have been handed proof and an admission that I am. I have a friend that needed some financial help for a while. All I asked was that this person be honest about certain things that were going on. Tonight, I got incontrovertible proof that this person has been lying to me. They promised me that something was going to happen, when they knew the whole time that it wasn't. When I asked direct questions about it, they lied to my face.
     I try and try. I feel like I'm supporting my friends, but I'm not getting the same support in return. I don't know what to do anymore....

Existential crisis?

     I had some stuff happen the other day, where I started questioning my definition of my self.
As I've said, I'm losing weight. At this point, I've lost more than 20 pounds. This is wonderful, and I'm more than proud of myself for sticking with it. But I was looking at myself in a mirror to fix my hair, and I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. I knew it was myself, but something had changed in my face. Something that I still can't put my finger on, and it wasn't what I was expecting to see. This left me off-balance for the rest of the day at work. I mentioned it to a dear friend when we went out for dinner that night, but she really didn't have anything helpful to say. I think she just chalked it up to me "seeing" the weight-loss for the first time.
     After we got home from our wild and crazy adventures of dinner and grocery shopping (We're totally out of control!) I played online for a while before heading upstairs. I was having one of those nights where I didn't want to go to bed, even though I was tired and had to get up in the morning. After reading a short story and playing with my phone, I actually said out loud, "Go to bed, Morgain." This sent me into a philosophical spiral that kept sleep from me for some time.
I didn't recognize my own face in a mirror. I called myself by something other than the name I've used for most of my life. It was like I don't even know who I am anymore. Is this new person who I'm supposed to be right now? Or did I lose myself somewhere along the way. I've said before that I wouldn't undo my mistakes, because I'd lose the good things I gained along with the troubles... But should I take this chance to re-invent myself? Do I want to be whatever I'm becoming? I thought by now I'd know who I was. Now I wonder if I ever will...

Even if it kills me....

     I'm working really hard at this weight loss thing. I'm struggling with managing my calorie intake and portion control. I'm wearing my Jawbone UP every day and trying to manage my 10,000 step goal. I haven't really succeeded very well with either. But every day is an improvement over how I was living my life only two months ago.
     I bought the Zombies, Run app on the advice of a friend, and she was right. It is amazing! It really doesn't take much to turn exercise into something fun. The story line is compelling enough that I try to turn it on any time I'm walking more than four blocks and have nobody with me.
     Weekly yoga with Sage and Yitters is a good idea, but I have yet to see any success out of that. Of course, the first week was just that. A first. The week after that was Anthrocon, so we skipped that week in favor of the convention. Last week, I was just too hungover and anything that involved too much pressure on my stomach was dangerous. I got through maybe a third before I had to crap out. But as a reaction to that, I pulled out some of my favorite poses and am trying to do a fifteen minute workout at least once or twice a week, by myself. It's dreadfully simple and really doesn't have me doing any real stretching. But the point is that I'm conditioning myself to make a point of regular exercise. Eventually, I'll step that up, along with my walking.
     When I get better internet and cable, I'm going to get back into watching Doctor Who. I found a highly amusing DW exercise game that should make working out really easy to do, as well as something I'll rarely have trouble scheduling! I have to steal it from the website where I found it, and post it here so I can always find it. But that's an adventure for another time...

Way overdue!

     I know, I know.... It's been over a month. But STUFF has been happening, and it doesn't belong on the internet. And it has been so all-consuming that I didn't have anything else on my mind.
     Instead, let me tell you about my latest attempt at getting healthier! I went out with Paige last weekend, and we both got ourselves a Jawbone UP. It's a fitness band similar to a FitBit. By having something that tracks my daily step-count, I feel more motivated to actually move more often. And Paige and I are able to be "teammates" so we can share whatever daily info we choose with each other. This lets us see whether the other one is making their goals so we can support each other. This is definitely an improvement over having to do it alone.
     I went to the Emergency Room after Memorial Day weekend. We had gone up to Ohiopyle for a lovely day, but the plants up in the mountains are quite different from what we have down in Pittsburgh. So my allergies went haywire and I couldn't breathe. But that's beside the point. I had to step on a scale, and to my major disappointment, my weight had gone back up over 260. I managed to lose two pants sizes since leaving the ex- but due to circumstances leading to poor diet, my pants were getting pretty tight again. Now I know just how bad things were getting. I had to do something.
     My first step was to get back into the habit of eating more than once a day. I've never been a big fan of breakfast first thing when I wake up, but starving myself until dinnertime was not doing me any good. And while a sausage biscuit at McCrack is not the best option, but unless I start getting up at 6am, it's the only way I'm going to be able to eat before work. I just can't stand eating within the first hour of being awake, and I leave home less than 30 minutes after I roll out of bed in the mornings. And I make sure to log it into my UP app, so it can keep track of my nutrition for the day.
     The next thing I've done is, about two weeks ago, I stopped drinking pop. Except when I go out to a sit-down restaurant. Instead, I got a case of bottled water and a bunch of Mio and Dasani water enhancers. They have no calories and, more importantly, no sugar! And I have several flavors that I really like. I drink a lot more now, because it's a lot cheaper than pop, too. 
     Other than keeping track of how much I walk, I haven't really added any exercise yet. I wanted to spend a full week actually seeing what my behavior patterns are before I see what I can do to change them. So far, I'm averaging between 7,000 and 8,000 steps per day. So next week, I'm going to work a lot harder at making the 10,000 step goal that UP recommends. I'm also going to try some simple yoga once a week. A furry who lives a few blocks away loves doing yoga, and has found some easy, beginner poses to help me start with that. We're going to try it out for a few weeks before I decide if I'm going to commit to that, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
     So, today when I came home from work, I randomly stepped on the roommate's scale. It said I weigh 250. That's a ten pound weight loss since Memorial Day! I've been keeping pretty decent track of my eating habits, and my UP tells me that I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in, and all the water I'm drinking is doing a pretty good job of flushing out my system. I don't expect my weight-loss to continue at such an awesome pace, but as long as it keeps going in the same direction, I'll be a happy tiger!
     Oh! And Anthrocon is coming up in just over a week! I'll be doing TONS of walking there! Let's see where my scale sits after mid-July!

Alexander does dumb stuff!

     Geek rant time! I haven't blogged in a month, because there isn't much in my head that I'm willing to share. But with last week's twelve-hour Werewolf game, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. I will now go into nauseating detail about today's session. For those who do not enjoy role-playing geekery, I'm sorry. Try again next time?

Werewolf and yarn

     I haven't been posting much, because really, there hasn't been anything worth talking about. I get up and go to work every day. I come home and work on my scarves for Anthrocon. I spend weekends hanging out with friends. My mind is almost completely dominated by stresses I'm not willing to blog about yet, yarn-craft deadlines, and gaming.
     We finally got everyone in the same place at one time, and were able to play Werewolf. Gods, I keep forgetting how much I love that game. And how much I love my character... It always makes for a good game when everyone else is also having fun, resulting in us forgetting to watch the time and running on far past when we had intended to stop! I kind of miss the days when we used to play until someone literally fell asleep! But this group isn't up for those kind of sessions. But we seem to have a (mostly) functional group, and this might actually last to a complete chronicle! I was pleasantly surprised at how well Cortez did in his first session. He still has to make up his mind if he's going to continue playing, but I hope he does.
     As far as the yarn-craft goes, I'm slowly but steadily working my way through my list of projects. I'd probably be further in my progress if I didn't keep distracting myself by adding new projects!

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H , Ar, and Mo and am more than halfway through N. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work. And he's doing a good job, too!
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE!
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn. I started on a pair, using the fingering weight yarn I got at the Fabric Fair, and a pair of size 0 needles. Such teeny little stitches!
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because." But for now, it's in "time out" until I have the energy to rip back past  a mistake.
• Baby gift for supervisor L
• Baby gifts for Berry I just want to make adorable baby things! And she is the lucky acquaintance who managed to get pregnant at the right time!

     See what I mean? The list just keeps getting longer! But I'm still making things. And finishing them. I'm also forming next  year's to-knit list of big projects. I'm seriously considering a goal of a king-sized afghan and a Doctor Who scarf in the same year!

Lazy Sunday

    I'm loving the transition to twilight shift. I'm sleeping better. I feel better. I have time to think after I get home from work, without feeling trapped and alone. I have time to talk to people after work, when I'm actually feeling alive, rather than trying to juggle everything into very small windows during the evening or late mornings. Then there are weekends...
     Oh, magical weekends... One gets off work on Friday night, and usually wants to spend a few hours with friends. Friday evening is the perfect time to shrug off the accumulated stresses from the work week. Saturday is the day to do things. It's the day to run errands and go to events. And then there is Sunday. Glorious, beautiful, relaxing Sunday, the day to sit around the house doing nothing. Sunday has always felt like a lazy kind of day, but for the last five and a half years, it has been a "work night" which meant going to bed at noon, when everyone else is having a good time. Sunday now is coming to mean sleeping in, eating whenever I feel like it, watching cheesy TV, and naps.
     The Fabric Fair was this weekend. I didn't get any fabric, or much in the way of yarn, but I got quite a haul of crafting books. Especially Christmas crafting. Because either this year or next year, I really want to decorate in a "handmade Christmas" theme. Crocheted lace ornaments, little knitted ornaments, maybe some needlepoint... Those kind of things. I still don't have a star for the tree. Who knows. Maybe after I get my Christmas/Yule decorations in order, I'll start decorating for other holidays!
     Other than that, nothing much has been going on. I'm working and knitting every day. I'm slogging my way through the Element scarves. *shrug* Life goes on, and I'm just going with the flow...

Spring is springing

     Last weekend was Easter. It symbolizes a time of new beginnings. And I'm certainly having some of those. I finally got my transfer from midnight shift to twilight shift. I am so excited. For the last three days, I have gotten a good night's sleep, and woken up before my alarm goes off! I'm also having a much easier time at work, and not struggling to stay awake at my desk.
    I've also been busy with my yarn projects. Let's see how things are progressing....

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H and Ar, and am more than halfway through Mo. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE! About 35 of them...
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn this weekend as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because."

     I managed to finish one project on my list so far. But it's only April, and I have plenty of time. The scarves are progressing well, and should be done in time for Anthrocon. My smaller projects, I don't know what's up with them, but I don't care. I'll finish them when I do. I have no clue what's going on with the sweater, but that's a problem for after Anthrocon.
     Now I just have to figure out what's going on with this constant pain.... Then I'll be all set to start living my life again!

     I feel totally overwhelmed right now. I got the call from Human Resources that I've been waiting for, and I'm starting on the twilight shift on April Fool's Day. I can't wait to have a "normal" schedule again! I miss being able to have social contact during the week, and it's hard to manage cramming everything into Friday and Saturday... Which actually meant all my socialization was happening on Saturdays, because everyone else works on Fridays. But I'm still struggling with the ongoing pain in my legs and back. It has mostly settled into the arthritic aches I'm used to, but there's still the muscle pain that I can't quite explain. Plus, the ongoing drama that comes with living in a house named WTF...
     I'm still mad at the mated pair of roomies, and am waiting to see if they make good on the offer to help pay Unemployed Roomie bills this month. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm making nice, because I can't bring myself to tell them where I want them to go. And I certainly can't afford to pick up their share of the bills as well! They seem to think that I've gotten over my temper-tantrum, but the truth is, I still feel like my opinions don't count to them, and I can't seem to make them understand how that makes me feel.
     Gods... I can't seem to catch a break. If I'm not juggling someone's hurt feelings and neediness, I have my own massive breakdown. I'm hoping to see my doctor when I have my next vacation from work. I need to deal with my yo-yo-ing health. I need to figure out why I can't seem to feel "right" anymore. 
     I feel like I do nothing but rant and whine on this blog. I keep trying to find positive things to talk about, but right now, I don't feel very positive. Instead, I feel like I'm in a sand-pit. No matter how much I try to climb out, the walls just crumble and I fall back to the bottom again. I suppose it's at least good that I know things have to change. I'm not trapped in the soul-crushing depression that I used to feel. 
     And...here come the panic attacks again. I'm going to put on some music and force the roommates to put up with my singing. Then, I will curl up with my comfy blankets and sleep until I'm not tired anymore...

Okay... WHO STOLE MY SPOONS!

     I live every day of my life with arthritis and anxiety. These are invisible illnesses that cause me pain and stress on a regular basis. I spend my energy dealing with this, keeping a smile on my face, and doing my best not to complain about it. Most days, it is easy. Sometimes, it's harder. On my occasional bad days, I can usually fight my through what I must, but tire easily. Anyone who suffers with an invisible illness understands these days of "spoon shortage."
     But this past weekend was something I have no words for. I have been dealing with a lot of stress at home, as I've explained in the last few posts. I knew it was getting to me but I had no idea how bad. I got home from work on Friday morning, looking forward to a fun weekend, including a St Patrick's Day party at the house of some friends. I was going to start my weekend off with a bit of exercise by staying on the bus until it reached a church where I went to daycare as a child, and walking back home. It's not a very stressful walk, and I need the exercise. But while waiting for the bus, my back started hurting. During the ride, my legs started to ache. So I decided that the long walk was not for me that morning.
     I got home and barely made it up to my room. I took some Motrin, crawled into bed, and turned on the TV. I spent the next two days there. It hurt so much, just to walk to the bathroom! Taking a shower was an exercise in willpower. It was bad enough that I had to cancel my plans to go to the party. I see some of my friends less than once a month, and this was the first time I'd see some of them in even longer. But I was held hostage by a body that just would not cooperate. 
     I slept most of the weekend. When Cortez brought home a friend I wanted to meet, I had to insist that person be brought up to my bedroom, because I couldn't even go downstairs to be polite. Knowing that it was still a necessity, I felt awful that I was basically ignoring the normal rules of etiquette. And after everybody left to go to the party, I was asleep again. I didn't even have the energy to play on the computer...
     I went to work last night, thinking that the pain had finally gone away. But, I was wrong. I felt great leaving the house, but standing at the bus stop for ten minutes, my back was in screaming pain again. The leg ache started up about two hours into my shift. I'm back home, and back in bed again. I've tried every over-the-counter painkiller I have. Nothing is taking the edge off this. I'm ready to pull the blankets over my head, and it's not even nine a.m. 
     It looks like I'll be going to bed early again. I hope this gets better soon. I may work night shift, but a doctor's appointment still will mean I'd have to take time off work that I can't afford at this point in time. It looks like only time will tell...

That's it, I quit!

     I haven't been happy with the way things have been going at WTF lately. I feel like every time I c;aim to be the Head of Household, my roommates treat that as meaning the person who is responsible for making sure the bills get paid, and taking care of everything. But when I try to make my preferences and opinions heard, they are disregarded and brushed aside. Agreements are broken by people when they change their minds, and don't care about how that affects other people or the agreements they may have made with others.
     I'm now being told I am not allowed to keep belongings on the third floor of WTF because people who moved into one room decided they should be entitled to more. And rather than discussing this, my property was moved without telling me, and placed into a walkway that I use in the dark. So that I ran full force into something very hard, and am still in severe pain twelve hours later. I was even told that I should be able to "keep my entire life in my bedroom" when it comes to having my belongings anywhere else in the house.
     I am sick of people trying to push me to the side and ignore how I feel. If I am not wanted in my own home, I will show these people just how much I care about them. I will spend every moment that I can in my room. I will only leave to prepare and eat food, and to shower. After I help the unemployed roommate with this coming month's rent, I am done. I will not be helping anyone anymore. I won't be cooking meals for anyone but myself. I won't help anyone who is even five dollars short on bills. I won't pick up something they forgot at the grocery store. I'm done!
     If that means I have to go back into isolation, then so be it. I can't keep pretending to be the strong woman who can survive anything and has the ability to handle whatever comes my way. Not when I don't have anybody giving back half the care I give to them. I can't be the person I truly am, either. Any time I admit that I'm scared, confused, worried, or unhappy, I am told that everyone feels this way and I should stop complaining. So I guess it's time to actually become the useless person everyone seems to want me to be. I'll make sure the bills are paid, because that affects me. But if it's only for the good of someone I live with, I won't do anything. I won't try to voice my opinions anymore, since they don't seem to matter.
     I have not been able to calm down from the stress that the roommate losing his job caused. And since the events of last night, I have not stopped crying. I don't know what to do anymore. And I feel like I'm done even trying.

I thought this was a family

     I'm going to regret posting this, but it's how I'm feeling right now.
     So, Mort isn't working right now. The reason is irrelevant to this conversation. But he is no longer getting a paycheck, and doesn't have any savings. That means someone else has to pay his bills until he is getting paid again. Naturally, I passed this information on to the other roommates, and the response I have gotten from the mated pair is effectively "It's not our problem." Meaning that Cortez and I are left having to eat the entirety of Mort's bills between the two of us.
     Don't get me wrong. I make enough money that as long as I have help, I can cover Mort. It just can't do it and be able to afford any kind of pleasurable activities. No more fur meets. No more Sunday morning breakfast at the local cafe. No more anything except work, paying bills, and sleep. And Cortez has said that he'll only support Mort for a month, which means if the job search takes too long, I'll be having to tap my savings to cover that difference. Then it goes from an inconvenience to a hardship.
     It's funny. When the mated pair had money difficulties, they had no problem asking Mort & I both to help them out, but when Mort needs help... *crickets* When they asked me for help, I gave it without thought. When Cortez is short on his bills, I cover him till he has the money. Now Mort needs help, and my only thought was "How do we want to handle this as a household." And I hear that it should be his boyfriend's responsibility, or he should call his parents for money. What would happen if, gods forbid, I lost my job? Or if I just wasn't able to shoulder this latest burden? After all the times I've commented that I thought this household was functioning as a family, after all the dinners I've made for everyone out of my own pocket, I don't get it. And then, I comment that the stress of having to be the only one responsible for everything, but I'm still brushed off by this attitude.
     This next month is going to make some very difficult decisions for me. It's going to affect my relationships with several friends. It's going to determine how I continue to spend my limited social time. I know I'm not going to be easy to be around while I go through this... It's too much like what I went through when supporting the ex-spouse. I don't like having my entire social life being making my friends come to my house. I need to go out and do things!
     And now I've stressed myself into another anxiety attack. Lovely. Time to post this and go back to crochet. Playing with yarn makes me concentrate on something that makes me happy and relaxed. I need to focus on that for a while...

Thing A Day 2013 is over

     That was fun. I still haven't done my final count, but I finished February with at least 30 new washcloths. Some of them were quickly turned into something else, for personal use, but I do have two sets that I can add to the gift stash. I also have two full rainbow sets of washcloths that I don't know what to do with. I intended them to be dishcloths for the WTF kitchen, but the roommate who does dishes won't use them, so there's no point in that. I might keep them for the bathroom, for guest use.
     This past month also had me spending more time than usual on Ravelry. I can't seem to stop browsing through the patterns and finding more things I want to make. It looks like I have added a king-sized afghan to my queue. I know the insanity of this, but is it really? If you think about it, I made 30+ eight-inch squares in the last month. Can it me that hard to make 49 twelve-inch squares? Or do I want to go fully insane and make 110 more eight-inch squares? I picked out the prettiest afghan square with an iris. I'm working on the layout before I go shopping for yarn. I've already decided that it will be black, white, and turquoise. I can't wait to make it! Such big plans... So little time...

WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.

A pair of strong arms..

     I woke up in tears, terror gripping at my heart. But, I was all alone in my own room. Nothing was out of the ordinary. It was just a dream. I rolled over, pulled the blankets back up to my ears, and tried to go back to sleep. But sleep takes its time after a nightmare...
     This happens to me a little too often. It used to be easy to go back to sleep. But I used to have something that would help. A pair of strong arms that would hold me and make me feel safe again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I want to run back into a major relationship just so it'd be easier to sleep. I'm just saying that some days, I desperately wish someone would just hold me and let me feel protected again.
     Is that really too much to ask of my closest friends? I'm talking about the ones that I'm closest to. The ones who are allowed to see me at my weakest. Very few friends are "privileged" enough to see me cry. When I'm at my weakest is when I'm least able to ask for the things that will help me. And often, the thing I need most at my low points is someone to hug me, and perhaps let me cry on their shoulder.
     The problem is quite simple. When I'm feeling in control, I don't need to lean on my friends. I can take care of myself and them. But when I'm feeling low, and I need them to step into the support role, they don't know that I'm in trouble. Because of all that crap in my past, I learned to hide my pain.They never know when I need the support I don't dare admit to. 
     I'm afraid to ask someone to hold me. I can hug my friends when I see that they are upset. I will let them cry on me, get the comfort they desperately need. It's easy for me to see when they need that sense of being protected and cared for.
     I don't know... I'm rambling... I didn't sleep well. I woke up tired, and have been exhausted all day. I got a lot of knitting done today. Soon, I'll go back to bed. I have had someone in the same room as me for most of the day, but still feel so totally alone. It's not going to change any time soon. I need to accept this. I need to remember how to love myself. Until then, I'll never be able to accept love from anyone else, anyway.

Back to your regularly un-scheduled post...

     Wow! I have been whiny lately! Let's change that by talking about positive stuff
     I've been hard at work on my Thing A Day projects. I'm up to about 18-ish washcloths on the 15th. And there has been at least one every day. I'm up to .65 mile of knit/crochet for the year. I'm right on track for my four mile goal in 2013.
     One of my corsets came in the mail the other day. It looks amazing on me! The only problem with it is that it fits! I should have gotten it one size smaller... But the other two on back-order are the smaller size, so that's good. And the shoes I bought online fit right. Life is actually going surprisingly well for a change.
    I have a three-day weekend, and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest! I'm going to make myself some delicious shepherd's pie for lunch and have yummy leftovers for later in the week, because this time I'm not going to share it with a houseful of people! Well, maybe Cortez. Because he gets such a silly smile when I cook for him. Then, Scotch is coming over, as he does every weekend. He asked me to teach him to read his tarot cards. Just wait till he finds out what a difficult task-mistress I am! I was nice to him while teaching knitting!
     Speaking of teaching knitting, I think Silver is supposed to come over tomorrow for another knitting lesson. He says it's easy. I need to see how he's doing, and teach him how to purl. There are a few techniques he needs to learn besides the basic knit stitch... But I think I'll have him knitting himself a nice scarf for his textile arts class in no time!
     Sunday, I have no work and no plans! I'm sure I can find a way to fill my time, but I'm looking forward to the idea of actual leisure! If nothing else, I'll crank out a few more washcloths this weekend! And maybe get some more work done on Sage's poncho.

Still battling these demons

• Don't get excited about anything, it's probably stupid. 
• Don't get angry, upset, or sad. That's being overly emotional.
• Don't think people actually like you. They just put up with you because you have to be around. 
• Don't talk about the things you enjoy. No one really cares. 
• Don't admit weakness. That's just asking for pity, and will make people like you even less.
• Don't try to be good at anything. You'll just fail and prove how worthless you are.

     These are actually rules I had to teach myself to live by. For years, my feelings were constantly invalidated by the person who claimed to love me most. I became ashamed of myself when I'd cry. I stopped trying to enjoy my hobbies, because they were "pointless wastes of time." I even came to believe that I had no friends, but that the people who came to my house were only there to see him. I had no one to talk to about the stress I was under.
     As a result of all this, I developed a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I'd ignore any feelings I had. I'd work myself into such a state of exhaustion that I was emotionally numb. Feelings were bad. Every time I'd tell my spouse about what I was feeling or thinking, he'd immediately find a way to throw it back at me. Even when I was half-asleep, my thoughtless mumbles became weapons aimed back at me.
     I thought I was doing good. I'm enjoying my crafting again. I have actual friends, who enjoy being around me. They don't place conditions on their friendship. I don't have to buy their affections. I started to believe that I'm worth being loved. Then last night happened.
     I mentioned the old friend that I went on that date with. We've been talking a lot. But these little voices keep poking at me. What does he really want from me? A relationship? Friendship? Just sex? What do I really want from him? I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. Everything was doing just fine, until he innocently asked a simple question. But those evil little voices! It was the same kind of thing the ex- used to do so he could set me up, to make me feel small and worthless. 
     It's come to the point where I feel the need to measure every thing I say to people, for fear that my words will be used against me. I can't easily trust people, even if I know that they are worth it. I hate this. I want to be whole again. It's not fair to the people around me to have to suffer with my insanity. Nor is it fair to me!


Edit to add: In his defense, we were communicating via Yahoo. Had we been talking face-to-face, he would have seen that something was wrong, and not pushed me the way he did. It's not his fault, when he really doesn't know about the things I went through the last few years... I won't know what things will push me over until I experience them.

Confused by his reactions...

     It's funny... You say she was a better match for you than I. You loved her more than me. But all I ever heard is how miserable she made you. You'd beg me to convince her to stay with you, and you did for all the things I begged you to do for years...
     I left you, and there were weeks of you crying how miserable and lonely you were. You couldn't wait for me to change my mind and go back to someone who used me up. She left, and you're singing from the rooftops about how happy you are without her.
     Our marriage's death began when you couldn't forgive me for something I almost did, but didn't. You couldn't be quicker to forgive her repeatedly.
     Did you truly love her more? Or was she just the one that made you see how trapped and hurt I was by you? I will never be your wife again, but you know that my love for you will never die. I hated seeing you suffer like that, either time. But just now, I wonder if you truly know what it is to love someone. Or do you only know your own need?

Updates on the Resolutions

     I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
     After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
     This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
    So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
     This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
     I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.

A surprising development

     I don't know what happened, but I'm not going to complain about it. I popped onto OkCupid for a moment last night, and just after I logged out, I got a notification via the mobile app that I had a message. Apparently, a guy I knew when I was in college found me, and was interested. He even had a vague feeling that we knew each other, even though we hadn't seen each other in the past 12 years.
     We're going out on Saturday. I don't know if it's a date-date, or just two old friends catching up after a long time. From talking to him this morning, I don't think he knows either. So we'll just see what happens. He is still rather good looking after all this time. And since I've gotten older, my tastes in men have changed, so he's more in line with what I'm looking for. It's been a long time since I went out with someone my own age, rather than younger than me.

New Year, and a new computer!

     I'm back! I finally have my own computer, so I can start making regular posts again. And since my return to the internet coincides with the New Year's, I think I'll start going back to posting by listing my New Year's resolutions and how I feel about them.

1. Knit/crochet four miles of yarn. Last year, my goal was one mile, but I knitted over three miles. I'm going to try for more this year. I'll call anything a success, but it never hurts to push yourself.
2. Knit myself a sweater. I've wanted to do this since I started knitting. It's time for me to step up and do it. I have the yarn, now I just need to buy the new needles I need.
3. Start being more selfish. I spend far too much time worrying about the people around me, and not enough time worrying about myself. It's high time I stopped putting everyone else's comfort ahead of my own.

I have a list of knitting projects I want to work on this year. It might help me to have my goals better defined than last year.

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again.
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point?
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.

     I'm sure I have other goals I will want to meet over the next 12 months, but goal-setting for my knitting makes the most sense to me. Lifestyle changes are easier to make at other times of the year, when I feel less pressure if I stumble along the way. I am still working at eating healthier. I am still making slow, but steady progress at losing weight. I haven't had much luck at dealing with stress, but I like to think I'm improving when it comes to my communication skills. 
     So, yeah, those are my goals or 2013. Here's to my annual attempt to become a better me. Of course, I'll update as I meet my goal, or if I decide to discard any of them.