I feel totally overwhelmed right now. I got the call from Human Resources that I've been waiting for, and I'm starting on the twilight shift on April Fool's Day. I can't wait to have a "normal" schedule again! I miss being able to have social contact during the week, and it's hard to manage cramming everything into Friday and Saturday... Which actually meant all my socialization was happening on Saturdays, because everyone else works on Fridays. But I'm still struggling with the ongoing pain in my legs and back. It has mostly settled into the arthritic aches I'm used to, but there's still the muscle pain that I can't quite explain. Plus, the ongoing drama that comes with living in a house named WTF...
     I'm still mad at the mated pair of roomies, and am waiting to see if they make good on the offer to help pay Unemployed Roomie bills this month. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm making nice, because I can't bring myself to tell them where I want them to go. And I certainly can't afford to pick up their share of the bills as well! They seem to think that I've gotten over my temper-tantrum, but the truth is, I still feel like my opinions don't count to them, and I can't seem to make them understand how that makes me feel.
     Gods... I can't seem to catch a break. If I'm not juggling someone's hurt feelings and neediness, I have my own massive breakdown. I'm hoping to see my doctor when I have my next vacation from work. I need to deal with my yo-yo-ing health. I need to figure out why I can't seem to feel "right" anymore. 
     I feel like I do nothing but rant and whine on this blog. I keep trying to find positive things to talk about, but right now, I don't feel very positive. Instead, I feel like I'm in a sand-pit. No matter how much I try to climb out, the walls just crumble and I fall back to the bottom again. I suppose it's at least good that I know things have to change. I'm not trapped in the soul-crushing depression that I used to feel. 
     And...here come the panic attacks again. I'm going to put on some music and force the roommates to put up with my singing. Then, I will curl up with my comfy blankets and sleep until I'm not tired anymore...

Okay... WHO STOLE MY SPOONS!

     I live every day of my life with arthritis and anxiety. These are invisible illnesses that cause me pain and stress on a regular basis. I spend my energy dealing with this, keeping a smile on my face, and doing my best not to complain about it. Most days, it is easy. Sometimes, it's harder. On my occasional bad days, I can usually fight my through what I must, but tire easily. Anyone who suffers with an invisible illness understands these days of "spoon shortage."
     But this past weekend was something I have no words for. I have been dealing with a lot of stress at home, as I've explained in the last few posts. I knew it was getting to me but I had no idea how bad. I got home from work on Friday morning, looking forward to a fun weekend, including a St Patrick's Day party at the house of some friends. I was going to start my weekend off with a bit of exercise by staying on the bus until it reached a church where I went to daycare as a child, and walking back home. It's not a very stressful walk, and I need the exercise. But while waiting for the bus, my back started hurting. During the ride, my legs started to ache. So I decided that the long walk was not for me that morning.
     I got home and barely made it up to my room. I took some Motrin, crawled into bed, and turned on the TV. I spent the next two days there. It hurt so much, just to walk to the bathroom! Taking a shower was an exercise in willpower. It was bad enough that I had to cancel my plans to go to the party. I see some of my friends less than once a month, and this was the first time I'd see some of them in even longer. But I was held hostage by a body that just would not cooperate. 
     I slept most of the weekend. When Cortez brought home a friend I wanted to meet, I had to insist that person be brought up to my bedroom, because I couldn't even go downstairs to be polite. Knowing that it was still a necessity, I felt awful that I was basically ignoring the normal rules of etiquette. And after everybody left to go to the party, I was asleep again. I didn't even have the energy to play on the computer...
     I went to work last night, thinking that the pain had finally gone away. But, I was wrong. I felt great leaving the house, but standing at the bus stop for ten minutes, my back was in screaming pain again. The leg ache started up about two hours into my shift. I'm back home, and back in bed again. I've tried every over-the-counter painkiller I have. Nothing is taking the edge off this. I'm ready to pull the blankets over my head, and it's not even nine a.m. 
     It looks like I'll be going to bed early again. I hope this gets better soon. I may work night shift, but a doctor's appointment still will mean I'd have to take time off work that I can't afford at this point in time. It looks like only time will tell...

That's it, I quit!

     I haven't been happy with the way things have been going at WTF lately. I feel like every time I c;aim to be the Head of Household, my roommates treat that as meaning the person who is responsible for making sure the bills get paid, and taking care of everything. But when I try to make my preferences and opinions heard, they are disregarded and brushed aside. Agreements are broken by people when they change their minds, and don't care about how that affects other people or the agreements they may have made with others.
     I'm now being told I am not allowed to keep belongings on the third floor of WTF because people who moved into one room decided they should be entitled to more. And rather than discussing this, my property was moved without telling me, and placed into a walkway that I use in the dark. So that I ran full force into something very hard, and am still in severe pain twelve hours later. I was even told that I should be able to "keep my entire life in my bedroom" when it comes to having my belongings anywhere else in the house.
     I am sick of people trying to push me to the side and ignore how I feel. If I am not wanted in my own home, I will show these people just how much I care about them. I will spend every moment that I can in my room. I will only leave to prepare and eat food, and to shower. After I help the unemployed roommate with this coming month's rent, I am done. I will not be helping anyone anymore. I won't be cooking meals for anyone but myself. I won't help anyone who is even five dollars short on bills. I won't pick up something they forgot at the grocery store. I'm done!
     If that means I have to go back into isolation, then so be it. I can't keep pretending to be the strong woman who can survive anything and has the ability to handle whatever comes my way. Not when I don't have anybody giving back half the care I give to them. I can't be the person I truly am, either. Any time I admit that I'm scared, confused, worried, or unhappy, I am told that everyone feels this way and I should stop complaining. So I guess it's time to actually become the useless person everyone seems to want me to be. I'll make sure the bills are paid, because that affects me. But if it's only for the good of someone I live with, I won't do anything. I won't try to voice my opinions anymore, since they don't seem to matter.
     I have not been able to calm down from the stress that the roommate losing his job caused. And since the events of last night, I have not stopped crying. I don't know what to do anymore. And I feel like I'm done even trying.

I thought this was a family

     I'm going to regret posting this, but it's how I'm feeling right now.
     So, Mort isn't working right now. The reason is irrelevant to this conversation. But he is no longer getting a paycheck, and doesn't have any savings. That means someone else has to pay his bills until he is getting paid again. Naturally, I passed this information on to the other roommates, and the response I have gotten from the mated pair is effectively "It's not our problem." Meaning that Cortez and I are left having to eat the entirety of Mort's bills between the two of us.
     Don't get me wrong. I make enough money that as long as I have help, I can cover Mort. It just can't do it and be able to afford any kind of pleasurable activities. No more fur meets. No more Sunday morning breakfast at the local cafe. No more anything except work, paying bills, and sleep. And Cortez has said that he'll only support Mort for a month, which means if the job search takes too long, I'll be having to tap my savings to cover that difference. Then it goes from an inconvenience to a hardship.
     It's funny. When the mated pair had money difficulties, they had no problem asking Mort & I both to help them out, but when Mort needs help... *crickets* When they asked me for help, I gave it without thought. When Cortez is short on his bills, I cover him till he has the money. Now Mort needs help, and my only thought was "How do we want to handle this as a household." And I hear that it should be his boyfriend's responsibility, or he should call his parents for money. What would happen if, gods forbid, I lost my job? Or if I just wasn't able to shoulder this latest burden? After all the times I've commented that I thought this household was functioning as a family, after all the dinners I've made for everyone out of my own pocket, I don't get it. And then, I comment that the stress of having to be the only one responsible for everything, but I'm still brushed off by this attitude.
     This next month is going to make some very difficult decisions for me. It's going to affect my relationships with several friends. It's going to determine how I continue to spend my limited social time. I know I'm not going to be easy to be around while I go through this... It's too much like what I went through when supporting the ex-spouse. I don't like having my entire social life being making my friends come to my house. I need to go out and do things!
     And now I've stressed myself into another anxiety attack. Lovely. Time to post this and go back to crochet. Playing with yarn makes me concentrate on something that makes me happy and relaxed. I need to focus on that for a while...

Thing A Day 2013 is over

     That was fun. I still haven't done my final count, but I finished February with at least 30 new washcloths. Some of them were quickly turned into something else, for personal use, but I do have two sets that I can add to the gift stash. I also have two full rainbow sets of washcloths that I don't know what to do with. I intended them to be dishcloths for the WTF kitchen, but the roommate who does dishes won't use them, so there's no point in that. I might keep them for the bathroom, for guest use.
     This past month also had me spending more time than usual on Ravelry. I can't seem to stop browsing through the patterns and finding more things I want to make. It looks like I have added a king-sized afghan to my queue. I know the insanity of this, but is it really? If you think about it, I made 30+ eight-inch squares in the last month. Can it me that hard to make 49 twelve-inch squares? Or do I want to go fully insane and make 110 more eight-inch squares? I picked out the prettiest afghan square with an iris. I'm working on the layout before I go shopping for yarn. I've already decided that it will be black, white, and turquoise. I can't wait to make it! Such big plans... So little time...