Sometimes *I* need the hug

     Congratulations. You have bad days. Your paycheck was short. Your tax return got rejected. You can't pay your bills. 

     Well guess what? I got sent home a lot in the last month. Today's paycheck was $100 short of the usual amount. Last check? Even smaller. 

     But guess what else? I went without luxuries. I paid my bills and bought food. No trips to the State store or the beer distributor for me! And last month, I paid the utilities before anyone had the money to pay for them. I had to wait for everyone to pay me back. Well... Not everyone. One person still owes me for the bills paid in January. So this month, when the bills came due, only one person has paid up. The others? Left me hanging in the wind. Because obviously, I don't want to spend my money on anything. I'm used to doing without. I mean, Roomie C even had the nerve to act surprised that I had the bills hanging on the fridge for over two weeks. Am I really supposed to chase everyone around the house, begging them to pay their bills??

     And this is after months of me having to clean up after everybody. None of the boys will lift a finger to do anything around this house unless I threaten them. Having a party at CNFH? Sage & Morgain will clean up for it? After the party? Morgain will take care of everything when she gets up in the morning.

     After the St Patrick's party that Roomie C is "throwing" (I've done most of the planning, leg work) I'm seriously considering a moratorium on guests of any sort. If you don't pay monthly rent, floor space can be rented out at $20/night/person. And you will still be expected to clean up after yourself.

     I'm sick of taking care of everyone else. It makes me feel good to know that I've brightened the day/life of the people I live with. But when only one of them ever does anything in return? I'm not appreciated. I'm being taken advantage of. When I see a roommate having a bad day, I try to do something to make it better. A cup of coffee, a snack, a smile, a joke...whatever it takes. Roomie sees me walking around the apartment with tears in my eyes, complaining about how I'm on the ragged edge and feel like I'm about to break, he does nothing. Whatever.

I just need to vent

     Be careful what you wish for. It wasn't that long ago that I was wishing to have people around, because I was feeling so isolated. Now I wish that everyone would go the hell away! Every weekend we have friends over, spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights on our floor. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, and I love having them here. But as much as I want to have people around, I also need some occasional time alone. I need to recharge. I need the space to breathe and just be with myself. The accumulation of stuff that keeps happening in every room of my house is getting to me. The fact that I have to keep asking people not to do things that upset my roommate is getting to me. The days where I can't sit on the computer or make a phone call, because there are sleeping people in every room, are starting to get to me.

     There is stuff happening in my friends' lives. I understand that. I have stuff happening too. But it was very unfair for you to force your drama into my space. When you come over to my house, I may need to talk about something that is bothering me. I expect to listen to you when you want to talk to me. That is what friends do. It was not OK when you came in my front door and immediately started getting upset that your ex- was sitting in my living room talking to me. I am friends with both of you. It hurt and embarrassed me when you threw such a temper-tantrum. I gave you the space to calm down. I tried to help you get into a better space. I took your ex- out of my house so I could still spend time with my friend, and you could have your "space" to finally get some sleep.

    I know there was a conversation last night, where you began to see how things could have been handled better. I sincerely hope you understand. I have enough trouble when it comes to the roommate drama that I don't need the friend drama too. Because when friendship becomes a burden rather than a relief, it leads to the breakdown of friendships. And you mean too much to me to want that to happen.
     On a lighter note: Thing A Day is coming very nicely. As of this morning, I have knitted 31 washcloths. I am working on number 32, and will be finishing it as soon as I post this blog. I have crossed the one mile mark for the year 2012. I'm more than satisfied with this, since it means I've fulfilled my New Year's resolution. I'm trying to see if I can make it to a full mile just for February! I've already gotten 1310 yards this month alone. I'm sure I can come up with an additional 450 yards. I still have at least that much cotton to finish up before the month is over!
     Part of me wants to continue rambling and typing away, but I know I have knitting to be done! Yarn tiger, away! 

Stupid Hallmark holidays...

     Yep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've done everything I could to avoid it. But the TV keeps shoving it in my face. And my happy friends are talking about their special plans for their partners. I'd really rather not deal with this right now. I don't need my ALONE-ness shoved in my face, when I am having enough trouble dealing with it.

     In some ways, grieving a marriage is harder than mourning a person's death. When a person dies abruptly, you know there is nothing you could have done to change it. Sickness, accident, violence... These are enemies we cannot fight. But apathy, anger, disgust, rejection... These are things we're supposed to be able to overcome. I don't even know why the idea of Valentine's Day even bothers me. I was single for so long, it lost almost all meaning. Then, when I did have somebody, it didn't even matter. He didn't really seem to get the idea. Don't get me wrong. He got it right one year. That would be the time he got me a deep fryer as a gift, and made me a dinner of all my favorite fried foods. But most of the time he didn't even bother. Probably because I was so angry at his thoughtlessness at the last Valentine gift he gave me.

     I had been complaining about having gained more weight than I wanted. My clothes were starting to not fit. So I made a big deal of explaining that I was going to eliminate candy and sugar from my diet, as well as try to include more fruits and vegetables instead of the pasta I usually ate. So when this time of year came around, he brought home three pounds of chocolate. There was one box containing two whole pounds of chocolate covered cherries, and another box holding an assortment of chocolate candies. That I could not eat. That I had said I could not eat. So he set the boxes on the table where we dropped everything as we came in the door, saying he would eat them. I'm still not sure how the three pounds of chocolate ended up buried under a pile of papers, but when I found them about six months later, they were now two boxes of moldy, melted, gross chocolate. Never again did he bother to do anything for me on Valentine's Day. Never made me a dinner. Never bought me a card. Never even mentioned that he knew it was Valentine's.

     So, I don't know why this bothers me. I guess it's that all of this "celebrate love" crap I see everywhere makes me feel like I've failed in some way. Like the failure of my marriage makes me a failure as a woman. I know this is not true, but it doesn't make me feel better.

     My "totally reasonable response" to this? I'm going to go to Payless and buy myself some new shoes. Then I'm going to get myself some chocolates and take myself to lunch. Maybe buy myself a drink. Who knows. Maybe I'll take myself home and see what happens? (just kidding)

Why did I try to be nice? NSFW

     Interesting bit of gossip learned yesterday. Apparently, Blaze is "ok with me leaving him" because I was boring in bed. Funny. If I was so boring, why did he complain that I didn't want to sleep with him more often? And why is it that for the last several months, he refused to sleep with me at all? Oh well. Not my problem. I have a sex life again. And it's certainly not "boring".
     I realize that I was not exactly the most charitable person toward Blaze for the first month or so after leaving him. But since then, I've actually been coming to his defense far more than I ever thought I would. And why? Because I am trying to be a decent person. And here, I learn that he's been busy bad-mouthing me to our friends? And just being an absolute heel.
     I'm done. I'm not going to be nice anymore. I tried inviting him to the furry parties I host. He lost most of his social circle when I left, and I was trying not to exclude him from the social activities of a group we both belong to. But he wouldn't come "because he isn't ready to be social with me". At least that's what he told me. He told another friend that it is because of roomie P. I have a friend who told me he spent hours trying to get her into bed. On the day they first met!
     What a dick! I'm so glad to be rid of him!  </rant>

Thing A Day and other things

     We'll start with the knitting. Because it's easier. As you can see from my knitmeter at the bottom of the page, I've crossed the half mile point. I guess my resolution to knit a mile of yarn this year was too easy. I'm moving along like a knitting machine when it comes to the Thing A Day. I've already got a little pile of washcloths building up. With only one problem. I'm having so much fun with this, I just keep going. When I finish one washcloth, I just turn around and cast on a new one! I have finished about seven so far, meaning I will likely run out of cotton before I run out of February! But 29 items in 29 days is the important part, right? Even if I get them all done in less than that? I may pull out some RHSS yarn to make two-strand potholders if I run out of cotton... I mean really. I bought 10 balls of it, thinking that would be enough.
     In the meanwhile, I picked up the Red Heart Shimmer in turquoise to make my Midsummer's Night Shawl. It's an easier pattern than I thought it would be, and it seems to work up rather quickly. And it's such a pretty, sparkly yarn! And I only got to buy it so soon because I had to go deal with another entanglement.
     I was in a chat room with several friends, when K revealed that she was in a difficult emotional space. She also recently left her husband, and the friends she is staying with can't seem to comprehend the difficulties of walking away from your entire life. It doesn't help that they feel the "know what's best for her" and are pushing very hard for her to jump out and get back on her feet, without any allowance for the very necessary grieving that comes from such a change in lifestyle. So we mounted an "emotional rescue mission" to bring her to the Creatively Named Furry House for the weekend. While I am thrilled to be able to help, I can't actually do anything for her. It's so frustrating!