WHY do I torment myself?

     I mean, really? Who in their right mind would want to stay friends with a former spouse who spent years telling them that they were useless? But I do want to stay friends with him. Now that we have some distance between us, I can see the things that brought us together in the first place. I know that I never want to be with him again, and neither does he. We both value each other differently than when we were together, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows so much of my past, and understands how I think and act.
     But when I was talking to him the other day, he let slip that none of his family and most of his friends never really liked me the whole time we were together. It really hurt. Deep. I understand that I never had the chance to get close to his family, but I thought it was just because they were not a tight-knit bunch like my family used to be. But to hear that someone who used to hug me, and tell me they loved me, was lying the whole time?! It was a serious blow to the chest. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I've gladly cut them out of my life. They are his family, his friends. I joke that he "got the friends in the divorce." But I mean, they were his friends before I met him. He was always closer to them than I was. I knew I was basically there only as ex-hubby's other half. But at the same time, these were people I cared about, shopped for presents for, worried about... I thought of them the same as I did my own family and friends.
     I've been feeling unbalanced lately, and this was just one thing too many. I feel like I'm riding a Wild Mouse while blindfolded. I never know when the floor is going to drop out on me, or where the next turn will take me. As much as I want good things to start happening for me, right about now, I'd settle for calm to start happening. I need to stop having exciting weekends, and settle for sitting at home and resting. I need to stop worrying about whether people care about me, and just care for myself.

A pair of strong arms..

     I woke up in tears, terror gripping at my heart. But, I was all alone in my own room. Nothing was out of the ordinary. It was just a dream. I rolled over, pulled the blankets back up to my ears, and tried to go back to sleep. But sleep takes its time after a nightmare...
     This happens to me a little too often. It used to be easy to go back to sleep. But I used to have something that would help. A pair of strong arms that would hold me and make me feel safe again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I want to run back into a major relationship just so it'd be easier to sleep. I'm just saying that some days, I desperately wish someone would just hold me and let me feel protected again.
     Is that really too much to ask of my closest friends? I'm talking about the ones that I'm closest to. The ones who are allowed to see me at my weakest. Very few friends are "privileged" enough to see me cry. When I'm at my weakest is when I'm least able to ask for the things that will help me. And often, the thing I need most at my low points is someone to hug me, and perhaps let me cry on their shoulder.
     The problem is quite simple. When I'm feeling in control, I don't need to lean on my friends. I can take care of myself and them. But when I'm feeling low, and I need them to step into the support role, they don't know that I'm in trouble. Because of all that crap in my past, I learned to hide my pain.They never know when I need the support I don't dare admit to. 
     I'm afraid to ask someone to hold me. I can hug my friends when I see that they are upset. I will let them cry on me, get the comfort they desperately need. It's easy for me to see when they need that sense of being protected and cared for.
     I don't know... I'm rambling... I didn't sleep well. I woke up tired, and have been exhausted all day. I got a lot of knitting done today. Soon, I'll go back to bed. I have had someone in the same room as me for most of the day, but still feel so totally alone. It's not going to change any time soon. I need to accept this. I need to remember how to love myself. Until then, I'll never be able to accept love from anyone else, anyway.

Back to your regularly un-scheduled post...

     Wow! I have been whiny lately! Let's change that by talking about positive stuff
     I've been hard at work on my Thing A Day projects. I'm up to about 18-ish washcloths on the 15th. And there has been at least one every day. I'm up to .65 mile of knit/crochet for the year. I'm right on track for my four mile goal in 2013.
     One of my corsets came in the mail the other day. It looks amazing on me! The only problem with it is that it fits! I should have gotten it one size smaller... But the other two on back-order are the smaller size, so that's good. And the shoes I bought online fit right. Life is actually going surprisingly well for a change.
    I have a three-day weekend, and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest! I'm going to make myself some delicious shepherd's pie for lunch and have yummy leftovers for later in the week, because this time I'm not going to share it with a houseful of people! Well, maybe Cortez. Because he gets such a silly smile when I cook for him. Then, Scotch is coming over, as he does every weekend. He asked me to teach him to read his tarot cards. Just wait till he finds out what a difficult task-mistress I am! I was nice to him while teaching knitting!
     Speaking of teaching knitting, I think Silver is supposed to come over tomorrow for another knitting lesson. He says it's easy. I need to see how he's doing, and teach him how to purl. There are a few techniques he needs to learn besides the basic knit stitch... But I think I'll have him knitting himself a nice scarf for his textile arts class in no time!
     Sunday, I have no work and no plans! I'm sure I can find a way to fill my time, but I'm looking forward to the idea of actual leisure! If nothing else, I'll crank out a few more washcloths this weekend! And maybe get some more work done on Sage's poncho.

Still battling these demons

• Don't get excited about anything, it's probably stupid. 
• Don't get angry, upset, or sad. That's being overly emotional.
• Don't think people actually like you. They just put up with you because you have to be around. 
• Don't talk about the things you enjoy. No one really cares. 
• Don't admit weakness. That's just asking for pity, and will make people like you even less.
• Don't try to be good at anything. You'll just fail and prove how worthless you are.

     These are actually rules I had to teach myself to live by. For years, my feelings were constantly invalidated by the person who claimed to love me most. I became ashamed of myself when I'd cry. I stopped trying to enjoy my hobbies, because they were "pointless wastes of time." I even came to believe that I had no friends, but that the people who came to my house were only there to see him. I had no one to talk to about the stress I was under.
     As a result of all this, I developed a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I'd ignore any feelings I had. I'd work myself into such a state of exhaustion that I was emotionally numb. Feelings were bad. Every time I'd tell my spouse about what I was feeling or thinking, he'd immediately find a way to throw it back at me. Even when I was half-asleep, my thoughtless mumbles became weapons aimed back at me.
     I thought I was doing good. I'm enjoying my crafting again. I have actual friends, who enjoy being around me. They don't place conditions on their friendship. I don't have to buy their affections. I started to believe that I'm worth being loved. Then last night happened.
     I mentioned the old friend that I went on that date with. We've been talking a lot. But these little voices keep poking at me. What does he really want from me? A relationship? Friendship? Just sex? What do I really want from him? I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. Everything was doing just fine, until he innocently asked a simple question. But those evil little voices! It was the same kind of thing the ex- used to do so he could set me up, to make me feel small and worthless. 
     It's come to the point where I feel the need to measure every thing I say to people, for fear that my words will be used against me. I can't easily trust people, even if I know that they are worth it. I hate this. I want to be whole again. It's not fair to the people around me to have to suffer with my insanity. Nor is it fair to me!


Edit to add: In his defense, we were communicating via Yahoo. Had we been talking face-to-face, he would have seen that something was wrong, and not pushed me the way he did. It's not his fault, when he really doesn't know about the things I went through the last few years... I won't know what things will push me over until I experience them.

Confused by his reactions...

     It's funny... You say she was a better match for you than I. You loved her more than me. But all I ever heard is how miserable she made you. You'd beg me to convince her to stay with you, and you did for all the things I begged you to do for years...
     I left you, and there were weeks of you crying how miserable and lonely you were. You couldn't wait for me to change my mind and go back to someone who used me up. She left, and you're singing from the rooftops about how happy you are without her.
     Our marriage's death began when you couldn't forgive me for something I almost did, but didn't. You couldn't be quicker to forgive her repeatedly.
     Did you truly love her more? Or was she just the one that made you see how trapped and hurt I was by you? I will never be your wife again, but you know that my love for you will never die. I hated seeing you suffer like that, either time. But just now, I wonder if you truly know what it is to love someone. Or do you only know your own need?

Updates on the Resolutions

     I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
     After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
     This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
    So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
     This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
     I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.