Running with it anyway

     As I said in the last post, I have become very interested in head covering. I still don't know why I feel compelled to do this, but rather than stew over the why, I decided to listen to the little voice in my head, and just go with it. The reason will show itself eventually. But on day three, I'm excited to see what will happen.

     I made my decision on Saturday.  And only an hour before a friend picked me up to go out. When I told the friends I was out with what I was doing, I got all positive responses. This encouraged me and solidified my decision. So here's what I've come up with so far: I will cover my head with something any time I leave my house, except for when I go to work. I will try to keep covered at home, but I won't stress about it at this point. After all, my home is my home. Where else can I be at my most comfortable? 

     I have a few bandannas I have acquired over the years. I will stick to those for about a month to see if I can actually commit to this. If at the end of May, I am still covering, I will invest in a few nicer scarves and move on from there. I will wait till I am solidly and permanently committed to head covering before discussing my religious position at work. We are not allowed any kind of head-scarf or hats except for medical/religious reasons. I will eventually have to explain a very unusual spiritual call to a very Judeo-Christian establishment. I am willing to make that stand, but not until it's worth it. Why make a huge fuss over something that I might change my mind about as soon as the battle is over?

     I will admit, I felt a little thrill of doing something different when I went to the grocery store this morning. Southside is a neighborhood where you can see almost anything, but I think that head covering is still uncommon enough that I will probably be noticed for a while, until it becomes my normal. I certainly felt unusual walking down the street. It wasn't shame. It wasn't pride. The closest thing I can think of is a type of anxiety, like I was almost waiting for someone to challenge me, or to tell me it didn't look right.

     Knitting update for the day: Random Baby Blanket (that I supposedly started for the Selfish Knitters and Crocheters group Knit-A-Long "April Showers") is making slow but steady progress. I'll have it done before anyone I know has a baby! I still haven't cut more fringe for Midsummer Night's Shawl. I am disappointed in myself for not sitting down to finish it, but I just don't want to. Without any outside motivation, I'm afraid the shawl may sit in limbo until right before Anthrocon. 

     Tomorrow is May 1st. The SKC forum Knit-A-Long theme is "May Flowers" and I will finally force myself to make P her bamboo/silk Tarot bag. I've had the yarn since Christmas, but  since we couldn't pick a pattern, I was letting myself be lazy. She's going to get her bag in simple stockinette so I can participate in the KAL. Bamboo is plant, even if the silk isn't. Although, silkworms do eat plant material, so there.... :P

Too many ideas at once

     There is so much going on in my life right now. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to live after this lease is finished. I'm still struggling with the journey to loving myself better. I've become the primary emotional support for a friend who has never felt loved by anyone other than family. Friendships are changing, because I am changing. I wish there was something I could do to make things easier. And then, my mind runs off in a new direction...

     I've been reading about the idea of pagan veiling. This is something that crossed my mind close to a year ago, but I had no clue if it was even a legitimate option. It was originally a joke about never having to worry about "bad hair days" ever again. Because it was a joke, I didn't worry too much and just forgot about it. But last week, I randomly felt the need to look into it again. I don't know what told me to, but I've learned to listen to that little voice... I stumbled into The Pagan Spoonie's article on pagan head covering.It gave me a lot to think about.

     I'm still intrigued by the idea of head covering. But I need to do it for a legitimate reason, not just because I think it would look cool. I'm not the sort to wear skimpy little outfits, but I am comfortable with my body and my sexuality. I don't feel that hiding behind modest-dress is the best way for me to embrace the fact that I am a beautiful and sexual creature. My recently failed marriage doesn't make me want to wear something that symbolizes a social position I no longer can honestly claim. I don't feel called by a goddess that asks her followers to veil.

     But I keep opening up blogs on pagan veiling. I keep reading about it. I look at websites selling veils and headscarves. I look at how to tie headscarves to cover my hair. There is some part of me that really feels a need. I just don't know why.

     Now. For the knitting update. I've got 3/4 of the Midsummer Night's Shawl fringed. It won't be much longer till it's finally finished! I just need to sit still long enough to cut the last large handful of yarn for the fringes. Once I get those done, it is only a matter of a few minutes. Below is a picture of the shawl as it is now. It matches so nicely with my brand new bedsheets, doesn't it?

     I finally started on the Random Baby Blanket I decided to make. No I am not pregnant. No I am not making this for anyone who is pregnant. After giving some of Thing-a-Day's leftover washcloths as last minute gifts, I really want to build up a stash of handmades that are available any time I need a present, but don't have time to make one or money to buy one. The Random Baby Blanket is really nothing more than an extremely over-sized washcloth made of baby yarn, on a slightly larger needle. When I say quick and dirty, I mean it!

Con report: Furnandocon

     Okay. Maybe this technically wasn't a real convention. But come on. We organized an event involving 100+ furries in about two weeks!  And the money we raised! *dies* For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll rewind to somewhere closer to the beginning...

I'm not angry

     It was a very strange thing... I woke up one day not long ago and realized that suddenly, I no longer hold any ill feelings toward Blaze. When I left him, I actually hated him. Then I was angry, and hurt, and sad. But overnight, it was all gone. I still miss him and the relationship we had when things were good. 

     I know I can't go back to being with him, nor do I want to. While I miss having the closeness, I enjoy not having to take care of someone else. Both of us have grown just enough that we can't turn back. Now, this most recent past-relationship will join all the others as another bittersweet something to reminisce. 

     I still don't know what I want for my future, but I am finally taking the time to enjoy myself and my journey through life. It's like I'm learning to feel new emotions all over again, after suppressing everything. Every time I learn something about myself, it's like a treasure that I can't wait to share. But for now, I'm going to go revel in the idea that I've finally let go of something that was holding me back from healing, and look forward to the next step on my fantastic adventure.

     On a different subject, I got my Midsummer Night's Shawl off the needles. I started adding the fringe, and have gotten maybe 1/5 of it fringed. I decided to add one strand of black sparkle yarn to the turquoise in the fringe. It is a stark and sudden addition of color, but it also looks amazing. I will post a picture as soon as I remember to get someone to help me out with taking pics.

There's magic in the night...

     Come along, children. It's Tiger's Story Hour. Sit down and I'll tell you about a snag I refuse to unravel.

     Once upon a time, I had a very dear friend named Jeff. Jeff had a truck. It was ugly as sin, the color of deli mustard. We called it The Beast. For a while, I had no job and no money, but he did. So Jeff would pick me up at my mom's house and we'd go...everywhere! Jeff and I both loved Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. So we'd play music while we drove, often singing along. "Only the Good Die Young" and "Thunder Road" were Jeff's songs to me. I kind of took advantage of how much he loved me then, but that's another story for another time.

     So there was this one sunny, summer day... I'd kicked my shoes off and laid back in the passenger seat with the window down, when it struck me as a good idea to hang my feet out the window as we drove down the parkway. Jeff told me to get my naked toes inside. My response was that they weren't naked, I had nail polish on them. We were arguing about the questionable "indecency" of me showing my bare feet to the world when suddenly, Jeff burst into song along with The Boss "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright. And that's alright with me." We both burst out laughing at the timing, but I joined in and we kept on singing.

     Looking back, that was one of the best summers of my life. A lot has in the 16 years since that summer day. People have come and gone from my life. I've moved more times than I care to count. Romances have begun and ended. I'm a grown-up now, with responsibilities. I have to go to work rather than jump into the car and just drive. After living more, I better understand what the songs we listened to, and feel many of the same emotions that the singers were trying to convey.

     Jeff is gone now, taken from us by an unfortunate accident. I don't know whatever happened to that ugly Beast. I miss them both. But on sunny days when I'm riding in a different friend's car, I long to hang my naked toes out the window and sing along with the radio. In those moments, I feel a shadow of the happiness I shared with Jeff. I'm still not a beauty, but there's still magic in the night. And that's all right with me.

Leaving you was easier than being gone

     Not that I'd ever contemplate going back. But yesterday, I was thinking and I realized that I don't really like living with roommates, but I don't want to live alone, either. It might just be that there are so many people living at the Creatively Named Furry House, and I need to live with only one or two roommates, rather than four. But I also spent much of my night at work fending off the wave of lonely.

     My internet radio decided to spend the night playing every song ever recorded to remind me that I'm single again. The worst offender was "Break Down Here". I heard both versions last night, Trace Adkins's and Julie Robert's. It's so hard dealing with this. Most days, I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm moving forward. I'm making plans for an actual future and following through with them. Then days like yesterday happen. Days where I just want someone to hug, to sit next to while watching TV, to exist with while doing separate things in general closeness to each other.

      I don't know. I suppose there was a comfort factor, knowing that he was there. When he wasn't telling me how useless I was or what a screw-up I was, Blaze did tell me he loved me. And in his warped way, I think he did. But it was so unhealthy. But I still miss it. This realization is what keeps me lonely. I know that while I feel this need to feel romantic love, I will make bad decisions and rush into another unhealthy relationship just to fill that void.

     I was talking to one guy I met online. We have met in person, and there was definitely some chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, when I had made up my mind to indulge myself in a casual, no-strings affair, he started getting very manipulative and trying to pressure me into doing things that I have no intention of doing. So nothing has happened, and now, nothing is going to happen. And it's all his fault, because I told him what I expected  and needed from him, but he can't give me the space I need. So I won't give him any more of my time. It's his loss, because I know I'm totally worth the wait.
     So I'm sitting in my bedroom, spending my morning on the internet, yet again. People keep telling me to get out and meet people, but it's not easy to do when I work nights, and most people are at work in the mornings. The people I'm most likely to meet at 10am during the week are probably not the best dating material. And my social circle is so small, and I still struggle with social anxiety. I don't know. I guess all there is to do is to just keep going through the days. I wasn't looking when I met the man I married. I had given up to despair when I was given the opportunity to find myself again. I'm sure that if I just keep going and trust the forces of the universe, I will eventually find the right person for the next phase of my life.

Stuck in neutral

     It has been hard to motivate myself to blog for the past few days... Probably because nothing interesting has really been happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been getting up and going to work every day. I am trying to eat healthier and almost succeeding at that.

    In the last week, I have only gone out to eat once. And that was this past Friday. Roomie P took me out to cheer me up after we got screwed over again by Roomie C. I'm at a loss for how to deal with him.

     I seem to have hit a wall when it comes to working on my Midsummer Night Shawl. I've completed 28 of 30 pattern repeats. All I need to do is spend one more week working on it full-time, and I'll be done with it! Then I can get the black yarn and fringe the edges and be finished with the first project I'm actually making for myself. But, for the last few days, I look at my yarn and all I can think is, "I don't want to deal with you." So I don't. As much as I want to get this finished in time for Anthrocon, I have no desire to let knitting become a chore for me.

     Roomie P and I are starting to look for housing options for when this lease is up. It's early yet, but I don't have a feel for the local housing market like I did ten years ago. It's hard, wanting something nice like what we have, but knowing this is only affordable because five people are splitting the bills, rather than two. It doesn't help that we are severely limited in our options due to a lack of transportation. Needing to live in walking distance of a grocery store, and making sure we have reliable bus transportation are becoming more and more difficult to accomplish within our budget. I wish I could stumble onto something as perfect for me as the place I found for Blaze and me when we got married. 

     *sigh* Oh well. It's almost 9am on a Sunday. I suppose I ought to go take care of the daily necessities before I have to go to bed in a few hours. I can't wait till I have a vacation...