Alexander does dumb stuff!

     Geek rant time! I haven't blogged in a month, because there isn't much in my head that I'm willing to share. But with last week's twelve-hour Werewolf game, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. I will now go into nauseating detail about today's session. For those who do not enjoy role-playing geekery, I'm sorry. Try again next time?

Werewolf and yarn

     I haven't been posting much, because really, there hasn't been anything worth talking about. I get up and go to work every day. I come home and work on my scarves for Anthrocon. I spend weekends hanging out with friends. My mind is almost completely dominated by stresses I'm not willing to blog about yet, yarn-craft deadlines, and gaming.
     We finally got everyone in the same place at one time, and were able to play Werewolf. Gods, I keep forgetting how much I love that game. And how much I love my character... It always makes for a good game when everyone else is also having fun, resulting in us forgetting to watch the time and running on far past when we had intended to stop! I kind of miss the days when we used to play until someone literally fell asleep! But this group isn't up for those kind of sessions. But we seem to have a (mostly) functional group, and this might actually last to a complete chronicle! I was pleasantly surprised at how well Cortez did in his first session. He still has to make up his mind if he's going to continue playing, but I hope he does.
     As far as the yarn-craft goes, I'm slowly but steadily working my way through my list of projects. I'd probably be further in my progress if I didn't keep distracting myself by adding new projects!

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H , Ar, and Mo and am more than halfway through N. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work. And he's doing a good job, too!
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE!
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn. I started on a pair, using the fingering weight yarn I got at the Fabric Fair, and a pair of size 0 needles. Such teeny little stitches!
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because." But for now, it's in "time out" until I have the energy to rip back past  a mistake.
• Baby gift for supervisor L
• Baby gifts for Berry I just want to make adorable baby things! And she is the lucky acquaintance who managed to get pregnant at the right time!

     See what I mean? The list just keeps getting longer! But I'm still making things. And finishing them. I'm also forming next  year's to-knit list of big projects. I'm seriously considering a goal of a king-sized afghan and a Doctor Who scarf in the same year!

Lazy Sunday

    I'm loving the transition to twilight shift. I'm sleeping better. I feel better. I have time to think after I get home from work, without feeling trapped and alone. I have time to talk to people after work, when I'm actually feeling alive, rather than trying to juggle everything into very small windows during the evening or late mornings. Then there are weekends...
     Oh, magical weekends... One gets off work on Friday night, and usually wants to spend a few hours with friends. Friday evening is the perfect time to shrug off the accumulated stresses from the work week. Saturday is the day to do things. It's the day to run errands and go to events. And then there is Sunday. Glorious, beautiful, relaxing Sunday, the day to sit around the house doing nothing. Sunday has always felt like a lazy kind of day, but for the last five and a half years, it has been a "work night" which meant going to bed at noon, when everyone else is having a good time. Sunday now is coming to mean sleeping in, eating whenever I feel like it, watching cheesy TV, and naps.
     The Fabric Fair was this weekend. I didn't get any fabric, or much in the way of yarn, but I got quite a haul of crafting books. Especially Christmas crafting. Because either this year or next year, I really want to decorate in a "handmade Christmas" theme. Crocheted lace ornaments, little knitted ornaments, maybe some needlepoint... Those kind of things. I still don't have a star for the tree. Who knows. Maybe after I get my Christmas/Yule decorations in order, I'll start decorating for other holidays!
     Other than that, nothing much has been going on. I'm working and knitting every day. I'm slogging my way through the Element scarves. *shrug* Life goes on, and I'm just going with the flow...

Spring is springing

     Last weekend was Easter. It symbolizes a time of new beginnings. And I'm certainly having some of those. I finally got my transfer from midnight shift to twilight shift. I am so excited. For the last three days, I have gotten a good night's sleep, and woken up before my alarm goes off! I'm also having a much easier time at work, and not struggling to stay awake at my desk.
    I've also been busy with my yarn projects. Let's see how things are progressing....

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon. I finished the elements of H and Ar, and am more than halfway through Mo. I have a minion that will sew in the eleventy million yarn ends, so I don't have to.  But he'll get equal credit when I turn them in for the charity raffle, so I don't feel the least bit bad about making him do the crap work.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again. DONE! About 35 of them...
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point? Well, I made one... The rest of the yarn is sitting with the needles, waiting for me to pick them back up again. It will eventually become a portable project for during my commute to work.
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.
•  A new shawl for this summer. I bought yarn this weekend as a treat, and it's my project for during the commute to work. I have no real deadline for it, but can't wait to finish it. Just a simple, one-skein project to remind me that I'm worth something nice "just because."

     I managed to finish one project on my list so far. But it's only April, and I have plenty of time. The scarves are progressing well, and should be done in time for Anthrocon. My smaller projects, I don't know what's up with them, but I don't care. I'll finish them when I do. I have no clue what's going on with the sweater, but that's a problem for after Anthrocon.
     Now I just have to figure out what's going on with this constant pain.... Then I'll be all set to start living my life again!

     I feel totally overwhelmed right now. I got the call from Human Resources that I've been waiting for, and I'm starting on the twilight shift on April Fool's Day. I can't wait to have a "normal" schedule again! I miss being able to have social contact during the week, and it's hard to manage cramming everything into Friday and Saturday... Which actually meant all my socialization was happening on Saturdays, because everyone else works on Fridays. But I'm still struggling with the ongoing pain in my legs and back. It has mostly settled into the arthritic aches I'm used to, but there's still the muscle pain that I can't quite explain. Plus, the ongoing drama that comes with living in a house named WTF...
     I'm still mad at the mated pair of roomies, and am waiting to see if they make good on the offer to help pay Unemployed Roomie bills this month. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm making nice, because I can't bring myself to tell them where I want them to go. And I certainly can't afford to pick up their share of the bills as well! They seem to think that I've gotten over my temper-tantrum, but the truth is, I still feel like my opinions don't count to them, and I can't seem to make them understand how that makes me feel.
     Gods... I can't seem to catch a break. If I'm not juggling someone's hurt feelings and neediness, I have my own massive breakdown. I'm hoping to see my doctor when I have my next vacation from work. I need to deal with my yo-yo-ing health. I need to figure out why I can't seem to feel "right" anymore. 
     I feel like I do nothing but rant and whine on this blog. I keep trying to find positive things to talk about, but right now, I don't feel very positive. Instead, I feel like I'm in a sand-pit. No matter how much I try to climb out, the walls just crumble and I fall back to the bottom again. I suppose it's at least good that I know things have to change. I'm not trapped in the soul-crushing depression that I used to feel. 
     And...here come the panic attacks again. I'm going to put on some music and force the roommates to put up with my singing. Then, I will curl up with my comfy blankets and sleep until I'm not tired anymore...

Okay... WHO STOLE MY SPOONS!

     I live every day of my life with arthritis and anxiety. These are invisible illnesses that cause me pain and stress on a regular basis. I spend my energy dealing with this, keeping a smile on my face, and doing my best not to complain about it. Most days, it is easy. Sometimes, it's harder. On my occasional bad days, I can usually fight my through what I must, but tire easily. Anyone who suffers with an invisible illness understands these days of "spoon shortage."
     But this past weekend was something I have no words for. I have been dealing with a lot of stress at home, as I've explained in the last few posts. I knew it was getting to me but I had no idea how bad. I got home from work on Friday morning, looking forward to a fun weekend, including a St Patrick's Day party at the house of some friends. I was going to start my weekend off with a bit of exercise by staying on the bus until it reached a church where I went to daycare as a child, and walking back home. It's not a very stressful walk, and I need the exercise. But while waiting for the bus, my back started hurting. During the ride, my legs started to ache. So I decided that the long walk was not for me that morning.
     I got home and barely made it up to my room. I took some Motrin, crawled into bed, and turned on the TV. I spent the next two days there. It hurt so much, just to walk to the bathroom! Taking a shower was an exercise in willpower. It was bad enough that I had to cancel my plans to go to the party. I see some of my friends less than once a month, and this was the first time I'd see some of them in even longer. But I was held hostage by a body that just would not cooperate. 
     I slept most of the weekend. When Cortez brought home a friend I wanted to meet, I had to insist that person be brought up to my bedroom, because I couldn't even go downstairs to be polite. Knowing that it was still a necessity, I felt awful that I was basically ignoring the normal rules of etiquette. And after everybody left to go to the party, I was asleep again. I didn't even have the energy to play on the computer...
     I went to work last night, thinking that the pain had finally gone away. But, I was wrong. I felt great leaving the house, but standing at the bus stop for ten minutes, my back was in screaming pain again. The leg ache started up about two hours into my shift. I'm back home, and back in bed again. I've tried every over-the-counter painkiller I have. Nothing is taking the edge off this. I'm ready to pull the blankets over my head, and it's not even nine a.m. 
     It looks like I'll be going to bed early again. I hope this gets better soon. I may work night shift, but a doctor's appointment still will mean I'd have to take time off work that I can't afford at this point in time. It looks like only time will tell...

That's it, I quit!

     I haven't been happy with the way things have been going at WTF lately. I feel like every time I c;aim to be the Head of Household, my roommates treat that as meaning the person who is responsible for making sure the bills get paid, and taking care of everything. But when I try to make my preferences and opinions heard, they are disregarded and brushed aside. Agreements are broken by people when they change their minds, and don't care about how that affects other people or the agreements they may have made with others.
     I'm now being told I am not allowed to keep belongings on the third floor of WTF because people who moved into one room decided they should be entitled to more. And rather than discussing this, my property was moved without telling me, and placed into a walkway that I use in the dark. So that I ran full force into something very hard, and am still in severe pain twelve hours later. I was even told that I should be able to "keep my entire life in my bedroom" when it comes to having my belongings anywhere else in the house.
     I am sick of people trying to push me to the side and ignore how I feel. If I am not wanted in my own home, I will show these people just how much I care about them. I will spend every moment that I can in my room. I will only leave to prepare and eat food, and to shower. After I help the unemployed roommate with this coming month's rent, I am done. I will not be helping anyone anymore. I won't be cooking meals for anyone but myself. I won't help anyone who is even five dollars short on bills. I won't pick up something they forgot at the grocery store. I'm done!
     If that means I have to go back into isolation, then so be it. I can't keep pretending to be the strong woman who can survive anything and has the ability to handle whatever comes my way. Not when I don't have anybody giving back half the care I give to them. I can't be the person I truly am, either. Any time I admit that I'm scared, confused, worried, or unhappy, I am told that everyone feels this way and I should stop complaining. So I guess it's time to actually become the useless person everyone seems to want me to be. I'll make sure the bills are paid, because that affects me. But if it's only for the good of someone I live with, I won't do anything. I won't try to voice my opinions anymore, since they don't seem to matter.
     I have not been able to calm down from the stress that the roommate losing his job caused. And since the events of last night, I have not stopped crying. I don't know what to do anymore. And I feel like I'm done even trying.