There's magic in the night...

     Come along, children. It's Tiger's Story Hour. Sit down and I'll tell you about a snag I refuse to unravel.

     Once upon a time, I had a very dear friend named Jeff. Jeff had a truck. It was ugly as sin, the color of deli mustard. We called it The Beast. For a while, I had no job and no money, but he did. So Jeff would pick me up at my mom's house and we'd go...everywhere! Jeff and I both loved Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. So we'd play music while we drove, often singing along. "Only the Good Die Young" and "Thunder Road" were Jeff's songs to me. I kind of took advantage of how much he loved me then, but that's another story for another time.

     So there was this one sunny, summer day... I'd kicked my shoes off and laid back in the passenger seat with the window down, when it struck me as a good idea to hang my feet out the window as we drove down the parkway. Jeff told me to get my naked toes inside. My response was that they weren't naked, I had nail polish on them. We were arguing about the questionable "indecency" of me showing my bare feet to the world when suddenly, Jeff burst into song along with The Boss "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright. And that's alright with me." We both burst out laughing at the timing, but I joined in and we kept on singing.

     Looking back, that was one of the best summers of my life. A lot has in the 16 years since that summer day. People have come and gone from my life. I've moved more times than I care to count. Romances have begun and ended. I'm a grown-up now, with responsibilities. I have to go to work rather than jump into the car and just drive. After living more, I better understand what the songs we listened to, and feel many of the same emotions that the singers were trying to convey.

     Jeff is gone now, taken from us by an unfortunate accident. I don't know whatever happened to that ugly Beast. I miss them both. But on sunny days when I'm riding in a different friend's car, I long to hang my naked toes out the window and sing along with the radio. In those moments, I feel a shadow of the happiness I shared with Jeff. I'm still not a beauty, but there's still magic in the night. And that's all right with me.

Leaving you was easier than being gone

     Not that I'd ever contemplate going back. But yesterday, I was thinking and I realized that I don't really like living with roommates, but I don't want to live alone, either. It might just be that there are so many people living at the Creatively Named Furry House, and I need to live with only one or two roommates, rather than four. But I also spent much of my night at work fending off the wave of lonely.

     My internet radio decided to spend the night playing every song ever recorded to remind me that I'm single again. The worst offender was "Break Down Here". I heard both versions last night, Trace Adkins's and Julie Robert's. It's so hard dealing with this. Most days, I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm moving forward. I'm making plans for an actual future and following through with them. Then days like yesterday happen. Days where I just want someone to hug, to sit next to while watching TV, to exist with while doing separate things in general closeness to each other.

      I don't know. I suppose there was a comfort factor, knowing that he was there. When he wasn't telling me how useless I was or what a screw-up I was, Blaze did tell me he loved me. And in his warped way, I think he did. But it was so unhealthy. But I still miss it. This realization is what keeps me lonely. I know that while I feel this need to feel romantic love, I will make bad decisions and rush into another unhealthy relationship just to fill that void.

     I was talking to one guy I met online. We have met in person, and there was definitely some chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, when I had made up my mind to indulge myself in a casual, no-strings affair, he started getting very manipulative and trying to pressure me into doing things that I have no intention of doing. So nothing has happened, and now, nothing is going to happen. And it's all his fault, because I told him what I expected  and needed from him, but he can't give me the space I need. So I won't give him any more of my time. It's his loss, because I know I'm totally worth the wait.
     So I'm sitting in my bedroom, spending my morning on the internet, yet again. People keep telling me to get out and meet people, but it's not easy to do when I work nights, and most people are at work in the mornings. The people I'm most likely to meet at 10am during the week are probably not the best dating material. And my social circle is so small, and I still struggle with social anxiety. I don't know. I guess all there is to do is to just keep going through the days. I wasn't looking when I met the man I married. I had given up to despair when I was given the opportunity to find myself again. I'm sure that if I just keep going and trust the forces of the universe, I will eventually find the right person for the next phase of my life.

Stuck in neutral

     It has been hard to motivate myself to blog for the past few days... Probably because nothing interesting has really been happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been getting up and going to work every day. I am trying to eat healthier and almost succeeding at that.

    In the last week, I have only gone out to eat once. And that was this past Friday. Roomie P took me out to cheer me up after we got screwed over again by Roomie C. I'm at a loss for how to deal with him.

     I seem to have hit a wall when it comes to working on my Midsummer Night Shawl. I've completed 28 of 30 pattern repeats. All I need to do is spend one more week working on it full-time, and I'll be done with it! Then I can get the black yarn and fringe the edges and be finished with the first project I'm actually making for myself. But, for the last few days, I look at my yarn and all I can think is, "I don't want to deal with you." So I don't. As much as I want to get this finished in time for Anthrocon, I have no desire to let knitting become a chore for me.

     Roomie P and I are starting to look for housing options for when this lease is up. It's early yet, but I don't have a feel for the local housing market like I did ten years ago. It's hard, wanting something nice like what we have, but knowing this is only affordable because five people are splitting the bills, rather than two. It doesn't help that we are severely limited in our options due to a lack of transportation. Needing to live in walking distance of a grocery store, and making sure we have reliable bus transportation are becoming more and more difficult to accomplish within our budget. I wish I could stumble onto something as perfect for me as the place I found for Blaze and me when we got married. 

     *sigh* Oh well. It's almost 9am on a Sunday. I suppose I ought to go take care of the daily necessities before I have to go to bed in a few hours. I can't wait till I have a vacation...

Feeling uncertain

Hey there! More medical melodrama. Enter at your own risk.

Oh, sleep... How I miss you...

     Today's warning: This post will be discussing details of my physical and mental health. I'm willing to share this, but not everyone may want to know specifics. I'm inserting a jump, so people have a choice.

Repeating Patterns and Baby Steps

     I've been in a pretty bad "poor-me" funk of late. I'm looking at the holding pattern in my life and seeing myself as being lonely, and apart from the world. I've been feeling miserable and thinking there is nothing I can do to change it. Then something small happens to remind me that I am moving forward. I am not lonely, I am alone. I set myself apart from the rest of the world, because I am remembering what a wonderful person I am.

      This song came on the radio at work last night. It helped, like it always does. Also, an old friend from my attempt at college managed to find me on Facebook. It seems like every time I get into this pattern, a new person from my past surfaces to remind me that I'm doing good.
     So today, I'm going to tell myself how good I'm doing! In the last six months:

• I'm getting so much better at my knitting. Now that I'm not being yelled at for wanting to knit, I can just sit and enjoy my time playing with yarn.
• I'm getting healthier. I can afford to go to the doctor, and pay for medications that are prescribed for me. I also eat more than once a day, and have time to relax.
• I'm not really a slob. Admittedly, I probably could be better at housekeeping, but the reason my old place stayed a mess wasn't all my fault. I have a floor at CNFH (Creatively Names Furry House)! And clean clothes every day! All it took was having access to a washer/dryer and roommates who are willing to do their share toward keeping a nice house.
• I learned that my friends are around me because they want to be, not because they have to be.
• I am learning not to be a doormat. I like doing things for other people, but I will not be taken advantage of anymore.

     That's a pretty decent list, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm going to go transfer my bedsheets from the washer to the dryer, go cook some lunch, then get a shower before I resume knitting for the rest of the day. Because after doing chores, I deserve to play with my pretty yarn! Oh, and here's a pic of the Midsummer Night's Shawl I'm working on:

Thinking Midsummer in the middle of winter

     I finally got started on my Midsummer's Night Shawl to wear for Anthrocon this summer. For such a simple looking pattern, I'm having a ridiculous amount of trouble. Every other row has a pair of increases that create an eyelet pattern around the outside edge. But, I keep forgetting to add an increase, or add one on a row where it doesn't belong. This is resulting in me having to rip out several rows. Like I rip out about 8 rows for each repeat. Which means that I'm taking twice as long to knit this as it should take. But I'm up to 10 of 30 repeats, so things are progressing, even if slower than I'd like.

     On another note, I also have a toilet that works again! Ok, well it always worked. Just it took special handling for the last few weeks. The cheap, plastic flush arm broke. We'd been pulling the chain up by hand. It worked, but was not fun. I finally got paid and made the scary journey to the nearest hardware store. I may have played dumb in the store, because making the employee show me where to go was easier than searching, but I knew this was going to be an easy fix. The most amazing part of all this? Only one roommate cared enough to thank me for doing something about the broken plumbing. And everyone seems surprised that I just knew how to fix the toilet!

     Perhaps it makes a big difference that I was raised by a strong single mother. Ok, divorced. Whatever. The point being, I grew up without a man living in the house. And my mother raised my sister and I to be self-sufficient and learn how to do things for ourselves.

     Oh joy... it's one of those says where I can't get my brain to focus.... Train of thought derailing. I'm just going to post this. I'll add more later.