Little sisters need not read this

     I hate my little sister. Well, if I told you about our history, you'd certainly believe it. Let's take a brief stroll down memory lane, shall we?

• Age 3 - I vaguely remember Mommy having a big belly and telling me that I was going to have a little sister.
• Age 4 - I have more fuzzy memories of holding a squirmy thing that I could barely wrap my arms around. And being told to be quiet, so I didn't wake the baby. 
• Age 8 - Everywhere I went, I had this goofy little kid who wanted to follow me. And my parents insisted I take her with me. My friends didn't want to play with a four-year-old baby.
• Age 12 - I was old enough to babysit, but not old enough for her to listen to me. The arguments were vicious. And I always got in trouble, even when she was the one misbehaving.
• Age 15 - I won the state FBLA competition. When I called home to tell Mom about it, no one was home. Wendy was being admitted to the hospital, and when I finally did reach Mom on the phone, that was all she cared about, not what I had accomplished.
• Age 19 - Things started getting ugly. We didn't just yell at each other. The fights were starting to get physical. There was on incident where Wendy threw a bowl at the chandelier above my head, shattering the glass. On another occasion, there was a wrestling match over the fact that she didn't want me using "her phone."
• Age 27 - I was living on my own. Mom called needing me to do stuff for her, because my sister hadn't. That spoiled little brat still got to live at home rent free, but I had to bail Mom out of trouble? There was a fight so bad, I told her not to even come to my wedding when it happened.
• Age 29 - Wendy started getting sick. I knew better the whole time, but I was sure she did this just to ruin my wedding!
• Age 30 - She was diagnosed with Lupus. We still weren't talking because of the fights we'd had the last few years.
• Age 34 - She is my best friend. We talk via text or Facebook every day. How the hell did this happen??

     I'd heard over the years about how important sisters could be. Everyone would tell me that when I grew up, my sister would become my best friend, but I always thought they were full of it. It's funny the way things work, but I wouldn't trade her for the world! No one else has been through all the crap with me, from our parents' divorce to my bad marriage. 

     I had a lot in mind that I wanted to say, but since it's slipped my mind, I'll just say this. I love my sister. I'd kill for her. I'd die for her. I wish I could do more for her when her lupus causes problems, but if all I can do is listen and hurt from 2500 miles away, I'll keep doing that!

I feel like the only one suffering

     I can't take much more. I hate seeing all these people around me who are in love. I hate knowing there are people who are disgustingly happy with each other. I hate feeling this bitterness when I see them touching, or holding hands. The worst is when people spend the night in my apartment, curled up together under one blanket, holding each other safe from the outside world. I don't remember the last time someone wanted to hold me close. I'm sure I don't remember the last person who wanted to protect me from anything.

     I want this to go away. I don't want to be miserable and alone anymore. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not in a hurry to rush in to some ill-thought relationship. I still have no plans to date any time soon. I'm far too unbalanced to make rational decisions in that direction. But the solitary life doesn't have to mean the emotional isolation I feel surround me. I want to have a normal social life, and not worry that I'm over-reacting to the past eight years.

     I'm sure it's not normal to wonder if the people talking to you really like you, or if they're just putting up with you. It's not reasonable to think you have to constantly do favors for people so they will stay your friend. It's not healthy to constantly pretend to be cheerful, because you're sure no one will like you if they know you get depressed. It's not good to hide so no one knows you think like this.

     I want to stop crying. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. I want to be normal and not feel the need to write these incoherent piles of emotion.

My year 2011 in review

     I think I'll join the rest of the world in a brief look back, before I begin looking forward again. 2011 has been quite a year for me.

     In a moment of weak-mindedness, I thought it would be a great idea to be on the Anthrocon staff. OK, so it was a good idea. I got the chance to meet a lot of great new furries. I don't get the chance to enjoy the convention in the same way as I'm used to, but who really needs to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or more while sitting on the sidewalk? I never really went to a lot of panels. And I get to meet so many artists!

     Actually, I took it upon myself to start getting more active in Pittsburgh's local furry community. In the fall, roomie P and I took over organizing the local furmeets. I enjoy being able to ensure at least one furmeet I can actually get to. I had the opportunity to get closer to acquaintances that I managed to turn into friends. During all that time I was being told no one cared about me, there was a group of people wishing I could find the time to hang out with them. And boy was I glad to know these people were around!

     Because in August, I'd had it. I was just DONE with Blaze's crap. I was finished with not being able to pay the bills. I was finished with having to come home from work, do all the shopping, try to get the apartment clean, take care of myself, feed the lazy fox who would rather complain about being hungry than cook food that was in the pantry. It was too much to want to be able to knit or play XBox. I didn't need to pursue any hobbies. I just needed to do everything for him... </rant> Yeah.... So when certain good friends told me there was an extra room in the apartment they were moving to, I actually seized the opportunity, and moved the hell out. I had every intention of starting over with one suitcase of clothes, and nothing else. But I not only got almost everything I needed, I actually have a pretty decent life now.

     So with this year coming to a close, I can safely say that while it was a rough one, at least it was a good one. My resolution for the coming year is to remember to think of myself. I resolve to put myself first more often. I will not worry about taking care of others to my own detriment. Here's to hoping that 2012 is a little smoother for us all.

Stumbling through life

     As I have mentioned before, my sister has lupus. For those who may not know what lupus is, it's an auto-immune disorder, where the body begins attacking its own organs. Yeah, your immune system basically gets really hyperactive and confuses your lungs with the flu! Actually, it can attack any organ, including the brain or the heart. There is no cure. And it can be fatal. BUT, it doesn't have to be. So, said sister has been trying for some time to do her best to try raising awareness of this life-threatening disease. And I like the idea of trying to help her, so we started a Facebook group for the friends and family of those who have been diagnosed with lupus. If you're interested in supporting those who support lupies, it is at Someone I Love Has Lupus.

     This all started a few months ago when she said she wanted to start a blog. After weeks of discussing format, we began discussing a name for her blog. She wanted to use her blog to spread awareness, but didn't want to be solely as someone with lupus. Then she got intimidated about how difficult it would be to actually write a blog. So I was conned into starting this blog you are reading. Yesterday, she tells me she is contemplating having a group for family members of lupies, so they could have a place to share what they are going through, caring for someone else. She understood that caregivers/emotional supporters would need a place to talk about how difficult their family can be. Then this morning, she told me it's all my baby! *sigh*

     It seems I tend to fall backwards into things in this life. From getting hired at a job after applying for a lower-paying position, to becoming my sister's reluctant champion, I don't know what I did, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Murry Drunkmas

     Well, my plans to be drunk all Christmas were a success. And by success, I mean failure. I don't know what got into my head that made me think it was a good idea to drink only alcohol for two days. And I did not entirely succeed at that.

    Christmas Eve, I had other things to do. I had bought a 4-pack of 2-glass-sized bottles of Lambrusco, and I drank two of them on Saturday night. But with company over, I didn't want to get drunk. I had just enough to feel buzzy, but was still fully coherent and sane. Christmas day was a slightly different story. I woke up with about half a pot of coffee. But breakfast was accompanied by champagne and cranberry juice. Then I needed a nap, because I'd had a very poor night's sleep on the living room floor. I woke up around 2pm, and after another cup of coffee, I opened the Captain Morgan. Oh, Captain... You are my best frenemy... But I kept having Gatorade in between each drink. I didn't think throwing up before dinner was a good idea.

     After dinner was another story, entirely. Art showed up. With Kracken. She knows exactly what happens when I drink rum. But I was a good little tiger. Really. I even kept my shirt on the whole time! I have no clue how last night happened, or why.

     But as much as I want to ramble on about the crazy night I had last night... M?y tummy demands food and more Gatorade!

Shopping therapy... Why does it work?

     So this morning, roomie P and I were in seriously funky moods. I can't know her motivations, but I can say I think mine was just a result of holiday blah. After spending over a month knitting, and the purchasing of gifts for everyone I could, I was starting to lose my holiday spirit. My plans for Christmas were not falling into place the way I had hoped. It is warm enough that I can walk to the corner bar wearing only a long-sleeved shirt.

     But during lunch, we accidentally hit on the perfect solution. We had to go to the store to buy some pop and snacks for tomorrow. And since the grocery was closing ridiculously early, why didn't we just go to Wal-Mart? $20 of selfishness later, I was feeling better again. I got myself some new shoes for work, some stitch markers for my knitting, and a ball of hot pink cotton yarn. OK, so the yarn isn't exactly for me... But I really want to try to get A's present finished before I see her tomorrow. And that will make me happy. Roomie P got herself some new shoes, too, along with a MLP Rarity figure.

     It was very odd, being at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve, and the store was not nearly as full as I thought It'd be. And much more satisfying than I had hoped it could be. What is it about these moments of selfish, instant gratification that make us feel so good. Because most of the people who indulge in these frivolous spending ventures are the very ones who cannot afford it.

     You know what? I'm going to put away the shoes, and the knitting stuff. I have some lovely red wine in my fridge, and friends on their way over. We're going to have cookies while we just sit around and relax. I've earned the chance to enjoy tonight and tomorrow. And I'm going to do just that. Without thinking about it too much!

     Merry Christmas, all! I hope that in this dark and depressing world we live in is brightened by even the smallest hope. From the potential in a new ball of yarn, to the prospect of time with loved ones, it's time to enjoy our new beginnings.

Togetherness, my butt!

     I quit! At Thanksgiving, it was my idea to host an Orphans' Christmas at our apartment. And the roommates all thought this was a wonderful idea. We have plenty of friends who, for more reasons than can be counted, are not able to spend the holiday with family. One was kicked out of the house by his mother, another's family lives in another state.

     So for the last month, I have been the one posting in the message boards to invite people with a request for people to RSVP so we know how many people to worry about feeding. I've gotten exactly two definite "I'm coming" responses. And several people who "will try to come" or "might stop by." I'm glad I didn't TELL PEOPLE I WAS PLANNING TO COOK and that I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY MOUTHS TO FEED!

     With two days till Christmas, the apartment is a pig-sty. No one wants to help me clean and make the place look nice for our company. Because it's just going to be the same friends who come over all the time, so why make a big deal?

     Today, I asked roomies C and J to go with me to the grocery store. Both said yes, then turned around and played video games for two hours. So I walked to the store alone to buy the stuff to make breakfast for Christmas morning. And now, I don't want to!

     At this point, I just want to take their collective Christmas presents and shove them in some very uncomfortable places. And perform unspeakable atrocities with a Christmas tree. I want to call the friends who have nowhere else to go, and tell them the holiday is cancelled because my roommates are idiots.
    I really wish I didn't have such a sudden mood-swing. I was having such a good time enjoying the holiday season...