Back to your regularly un-scheduled post...

     Wow! I have been whiny lately! Let's change that by talking about positive stuff
     I've been hard at work on my Thing A Day projects. I'm up to about 18-ish washcloths on the 15th. And there has been at least one every day. I'm up to .65 mile of knit/crochet for the year. I'm right on track for my four mile goal in 2013.
     One of my corsets came in the mail the other day. It looks amazing on me! The only problem with it is that it fits! I should have gotten it one size smaller... But the other two on back-order are the smaller size, so that's good. And the shoes I bought online fit right. Life is actually going surprisingly well for a change.
    I have a three-day weekend, and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest! I'm going to make myself some delicious shepherd's pie for lunch and have yummy leftovers for later in the week, because this time I'm not going to share it with a houseful of people! Well, maybe Cortez. Because he gets such a silly smile when I cook for him. Then, Scotch is coming over, as he does every weekend. He asked me to teach him to read his tarot cards. Just wait till he finds out what a difficult task-mistress I am! I was nice to him while teaching knitting!
     Speaking of teaching knitting, I think Silver is supposed to come over tomorrow for another knitting lesson. He says it's easy. I need to see how he's doing, and teach him how to purl. There are a few techniques he needs to learn besides the basic knit stitch... But I think I'll have him knitting himself a nice scarf for his textile arts class in no time!
     Sunday, I have no work and no plans! I'm sure I can find a way to fill my time, but I'm looking forward to the idea of actual leisure! If nothing else, I'll crank out a few more washcloths this weekend! And maybe get some more work done on Sage's poncho.

Still battling these demons

• Don't get excited about anything, it's probably stupid. 
• Don't get angry, upset, or sad. That's being overly emotional.
• Don't think people actually like you. They just put up with you because you have to be around. 
• Don't talk about the things you enjoy. No one really cares. 
• Don't admit weakness. That's just asking for pity, and will make people like you even less.
• Don't try to be good at anything. You'll just fail and prove how worthless you are.

     These are actually rules I had to teach myself to live by. For years, my feelings were constantly invalidated by the person who claimed to love me most. I became ashamed of myself when I'd cry. I stopped trying to enjoy my hobbies, because they were "pointless wastes of time." I even came to believe that I had no friends, but that the people who came to my house were only there to see him. I had no one to talk to about the stress I was under.
     As a result of all this, I developed a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I'd ignore any feelings I had. I'd work myself into such a state of exhaustion that I was emotionally numb. Feelings were bad. Every time I'd tell my spouse about what I was feeling or thinking, he'd immediately find a way to throw it back at me. Even when I was half-asleep, my thoughtless mumbles became weapons aimed back at me.
     I thought I was doing good. I'm enjoying my crafting again. I have actual friends, who enjoy being around me. They don't place conditions on their friendship. I don't have to buy their affections. I started to believe that I'm worth being loved. Then last night happened.
     I mentioned the old friend that I went on that date with. We've been talking a lot. But these little voices keep poking at me. What does he really want from me? A relationship? Friendship? Just sex? What do I really want from him? I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. Everything was doing just fine, until he innocently asked a simple question. But those evil little voices! It was the same kind of thing the ex- used to do so he could set me up, to make me feel small and worthless. 
     It's come to the point where I feel the need to measure every thing I say to people, for fear that my words will be used against me. I can't easily trust people, even if I know that they are worth it. I hate this. I want to be whole again. It's not fair to the people around me to have to suffer with my insanity. Nor is it fair to me!


Edit to add: In his defense, we were communicating via Yahoo. Had we been talking face-to-face, he would have seen that something was wrong, and not pushed me the way he did. It's not his fault, when he really doesn't know about the things I went through the last few years... I won't know what things will push me over until I experience them.

Confused by his reactions...

     It's funny... You say she was a better match for you than I. You loved her more than me. But all I ever heard is how miserable she made you. You'd beg me to convince her to stay with you, and you did for all the things I begged you to do for years...
     I left you, and there were weeks of you crying how miserable and lonely you were. You couldn't wait for me to change my mind and go back to someone who used me up. She left, and you're singing from the rooftops about how happy you are without her.
     Our marriage's death began when you couldn't forgive me for something I almost did, but didn't. You couldn't be quicker to forgive her repeatedly.
     Did you truly love her more? Or was she just the one that made you see how trapped and hurt I was by you? I will never be your wife again, but you know that my love for you will never die. I hated seeing you suffer like that, either time. But just now, I wonder if you truly know what it is to love someone. Or do you only know your own need?

Updates on the Resolutions

     I've been doing pretty good at working on my resolutions regarding knitting and crochet. Not so good at the resolution to be more selfish in other aspects of my life. I had a major meltdown last weekend about feeling taken advantage of. The people who care most about me were hurt by it. I lashed out at whoever was physically neat, and said some very hurtful things to people who really didn't deserve it.
     After some major soul-searching, I figured out the reason why I do more than I should for the people around me. There is some terrified part of me that feels like I need to bribe people to stay in my life. After going so long without good friends, I got into the pattern of "buying friendships" by being the kind of person everyone wanted to have around. I would do whatever everyone around me wanted to do. I would pay for anyone that was just a little short of cash. "Friends" started flocking to be around me. When I didn't have the ability to do whatever someone wanted, they started to drift away, and I'd end up feeling alone again. When I was truly broke and unable to even pay for myself, no one was around to do the same for me. I began to feel that the only reason anyone would want to be my friend was if I was willing to do anything for them, even if it was to my own detriment. My current isolation due to my working situation only seemed to fuel the idea. Logic doesn't need to factor into these emotional responses. And as such, I have ended up in some very bad financial situations that I'm having a hard time extracting myself from, because I don't have the ability to say "no" to anyone I call friend.
     This came to a head last weekend, when I had twice acted on a direct request, and the person who asked left me hanging. I cooked dinner for a roommate who, both nights I made her dinner, decided to eat elsewhere without informing me before I cooked more food than I'd needed to. Then, we had an agreement that would save me a significant amount of money I would need to lend her enough to cover her bills this month. She failed to live up to her end of the deal, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to pay all of the bills now. And on no occasion did she bother to thank me for doing her a favor. I felt more than unappreciated. I felt totally used!
    So, instead, toward a more positive subject. I have completed H from the Elements of HArMoNY scarves. Those things are LOOONNG! I've made it up into the yellow bands for Ar. I'm not looking forward to weaving in all these yarn-ends. I wonder if I can find someone who will enjoy doing so in exchange for partial credit on the finished project... I started on a set of charcoal wool wristers for either Mort or Tom. I don't know who I'm going to give the first pair to yet. I also have one half of a pair for myself made.. I'm not sure I did a very good job with the sizing, but I'm going to roll with it, and make yet another pair if I didn't. I have the yarn for $5 in Paris but I still need to get myself the needles. It's going to be a fun time trying to figure out what size to make the sweater, since I'm going to buy the needles from the pattern, and tweak the numbers to make it come out as the right size for me. Also, I'm still making slow progress on Sage's Twilightlicious Poncho. It's getting harder to make myself sit down with it on a regular basis, but if I can't finish this, how will I ever finish a sweater?
     This year's Thing A Day challenge has started. It's day 3, and I have three washcloths made already. I have enough yarn to make at least 24 cloths that are solidly one type of yarn. And since each ball of yarn makes about two and a half washcloths, I think I'm set for the month. Last year, I ended up with something like 24 washcloths and two potholders. I'll have to see how I finish up TAD this year... But I'm off to a good start!
     I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about the date from last month. I had such a good time with him, but he's been sick, so we haven't talked very much since then. I really want to see him again. I'd like this to last for however long it could.

A surprising development

     I don't know what happened, but I'm not going to complain about it. I popped onto OkCupid for a moment last night, and just after I logged out, I got a notification via the mobile app that I had a message. Apparently, a guy I knew when I was in college found me, and was interested. He even had a vague feeling that we knew each other, even though we hadn't seen each other in the past 12 years.
     We're going out on Saturday. I don't know if it's a date-date, or just two old friends catching up after a long time. From talking to him this morning, I don't think he knows either. So we'll just see what happens. He is still rather good looking after all this time. And since I've gotten older, my tastes in men have changed, so he's more in line with what I'm looking for. It's been a long time since I went out with someone my own age, rather than younger than me.

New Year, and a new computer!

     I'm back! I finally have my own computer, so I can start making regular posts again. And since my return to the internet coincides with the New Year's, I think I'll start going back to posting by listing my New Year's resolutions and how I feel about them.

1. Knit/crochet four miles of yarn. Last year, my goal was one mile, but I knitted over three miles. I'm going to try for more this year. I'll call anything a success, but it never hurts to push yourself.
2. Knit myself a sweater. I've wanted to do this since I started knitting. It's time for me to step up and do it. I have the yarn, now I just need to buy the new needles I need.
3. Start being more selfish. I spend far too much time worrying about the people around me, and not enough time worrying about myself. It's high time I stopped putting everyone else's comfort ahead of my own.

I have a list of knitting projects I want to work on this year. It might help me to have my goals better defined than last year.

• Complete the Elements of HArMoNY scarves in time for Anthrocon.
• Knit my $5 in Paris sweater.
• Thing A Day in February. I plan to make eleventy million washcloths again.
• Skillet handle cover for the cast iron skillet.
• Pot holders. I don't even know why I want these, but one must admit they're useful!
• New wristers for me to wear to work. I made a set out of the silky merino Zelda gave me for my birthday They are amazing, but they stretch so much during wear. I need to felt them to make them fit better. And I still want a new pair in a different yarn.
• Wristers for Tom. My uncle works outside, and has been wearing little wrist-bands to help keep his hands warm. Good woolen wristers will do a lot more for him!
• Wristers for Mort. If I'm making them for family, why not my roommate who is a mechanic. Warm hands + maintaining dexterity = a good thing every time! Did I mention that he's totally knit-worthy at this point?
• New arm warmers for myself. I love my "tiger paws" but they don't fit very well, and they don't look that good with everything. I need to make a nice grey(?) pair that will look good with any outfit. Plus do better at sizing them than my first attempt.

     I'm sure I have other goals I will want to meet over the next 12 months, but goal-setting for my knitting makes the most sense to me. Lifestyle changes are easier to make at other times of the year, when I feel less pressure if I stumble along the way. I am still working at eating healthier. I am still making slow, but steady progress at losing weight. I haven't had much luck at dealing with stress, but I like to think I'm improving when it comes to my communication skills. 
     So, yeah, those are my goals or 2013. Here's to my annual attempt to become a better me. Of course, I'll update as I meet my goal, or if I decide to discard any of them.

An Interesting Discussion on Same-Sex Marriage

     I follow an account on Twitter, @homophobes. They re-tweet offensive statements about gays. I read one such tweet about same-sex marriage that didn't seem as offensive as most others. This girl's statement was that she didn't think same sex couples should get married in religious institutions, and that she knew that she could only speak for herself. I responded to her with a question about whether she was ok with legal civil unions, to which she said she was fine. Had I really meet someone on the internet who understood "separation of church and state"?! I thanked her for indulging me, and thought the interaction was over.
     Several weeks later, I get a message from a gentleman challenging me that "civil unions are not marriages." We continued to go back and forth for multiple days trying to express or views. I was increasingly frustrated by Twitter's 140 character limit. We were sending two- and three-part messages debating the difference between "unions" and "marriages". Eventually, I had to put the conversation on hold. I was screaming at a person I didn't know, and couldn't even see. Our common language was preventing us from communicating clearly. This post is, hopefully, going to help.
     The loudest, most frequent argument against same-sex marriage is that the Bible says it's wrong. I've read some interesting views regarding homosexuality and religion, but let's table that for now. People argue that "marriage" is a religious institution. Nowadays, straight couples get married in a church, and it also creates a legal bond.. I may be wrong, but it's my understanding that this stems from the days when governments were irrevocably tired to the Church. I have spoken to people who do not object to same-sex couples having the same legal rights of marriage, as long as their church didn't have to perform the services.
     In my previous encounter, back in October, I used the word "union" to describe the legal status. I was relying on the concept of " multiple made one" with the intent that it would include ANY couple. I wanted to take religion out of the conversation, and discuss the idea as a legal concept, rather than a religious one. When I was married, we went to the courthouse, because we didn't want to be wed in a church we didn't believe in. As such, I considered marriage" to be a "legal union".
     Just because I used to be married to a man doesn't mean I am not fully invested in this fight. My next love may just as easily be a woman. My roommates are all men who prefer the company of other men. What happens when they want the same advantages I used to have? My aunt was denied access to her wife's bedside after surgery, because their relationship had no legal standing.
     I honestly believe my country would be well served to use a different term than "marriage" for any couple. This would remove the risk of trying to create a separate but equal situation, which history shows is not truly equal.
     If the gentleman from Twitter reads this, I hope you can see that we really do want the same thing. We were just stumbling over a misunderstanding of vocabulary. I was trying to avoid the word "marriage" because of its religious undertones. You are fighting FOR the same word because of its place in the common lexicon. I know I have difficulty expressing complex thoughts without getting confusing. Does this do any good at trying to explain my viewpoint any better?