Now what?

     It's been a rough week for me. I had a close friend tell me an unpleasant truth. It took me a few days to smut that she was right. It's left me quite shaken.
     For a while, I've started feeling like I was losing control of my life. My natural inclination is to respond by trying to control as much of the world around me as I can. Unfortunately, this only resulted in my becoming a ragey, controlling bitch toward the people I live with. And none of them would tell me, because I do have a tendency to get angry very quickly. I don't want to be that person anymore than I want to be the emotional doormat I used to be.
     I guess it's time to re-evaluate what I'm feeling, and how it is affecting my actions. The problem with that is, I'm still in such a depressed funk that I an overreacting to everything. The worst of which being this continued feeling of isolation I can't seem to shake. I know the normal solution would be to get out of the house and be among people, but it just isn't that simple for me.
    I'm not going any further down this rabbithole... I'm going to go back to my knitting. It may not be a good as being around people, but at least I know I'll see the people I'm making gifts for, eventually...

What I did all week

     Realizing that I wanted to get a head-start on giftmas preens has been one if the better decisions I've made in quite a while. The near constant knitting is doing me more good than anything else lately. I see myself finishing projects with increasing speed, and gain so much pride out of seeing each completed object. Because I keep my hands busy, I've found I don't want to smoke as frequently.
     I took a break from knitting because I was looking for someplace to move after CNFH. Then I had to move and unpack. I got lazy, because I had a huge attack of perfectly good reasons why I couldn't knit. So I didn't even try.
     I'm trying to be a good girl and use up as much of my stash yarn as I can, for multiple reasons. I have two totes full of yarn that have no intended purpose. So far, I've managed to use up a few balls of yarn! More importantly, I'd managed to forget how pleasantly relaxing it is to just sit and talk our watch TV with my sticks clicking away, project quietly growing in my lap...
     This weekend, I made it to the yarn store to get yarn for some presents. I'm just starting on my gift fora certain dragon. I won't talk about it, because I know she reds this blog!
     I'd probably have more to say, but I'm going to get back to playing with my string!

Knitting machine

     So, I crossed the two-mile mark on my knitmeter. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I'm working on another scarf out of my stash yarn. Of the three I've finished, only two are actually intended for specific recipients. The pink "feather" scarf was just a fun idea to make, although I have no clue who is going to end up with it.
     Today's new project is a scarf out of the purple loopy yarn I got at the fabric fair this past spring. I had intended to make team scarves for the lupus walk, but they didn't work out the way I'd planned. It would take too much yarn to make one scarf, so I wouldn't have enough for a team. I'm sure this will find a home among someone on my gift list.
     My gift list... Ah, there's something I'll never learn to control. It started out with eight people on it. It's already almost doubled, and I know I'll find more people that I have to make presents for. And I'd be willing to bet that over half of them won't be planning to have gifts in exchange. It's not that I'm upset about that, it's just... I make gifts for people out of love, not greed. But there will always be a greedy child inside me who wants awesome presents back!
     Oh well... I'm writing this on the break room at work. I'm supposed to be knitting, not talking about it. I think I'll get back to what I told myself to do tonight.

A ray of hope

     This wallow in self-pity has to stop. So I'm going to post something positive.
     I own two pairs of jeans. One is lighter blue, and is very comfortable. I wear the heck out of this pair. The other is a darker indigo color. They look awesome, and I love that they aren't as baggy as most jeans in my size. But they're just a little snug, so I don't west them as often. But I wore my dark jeans to work last night, because I needed a change. And they fit!
     I don't know what words can describe how stupidly happy I was when I realized that my pants weren't pinching at my waist. I don't know what I'm doing to lose weight, but I hope I keep doing it! I know my value isn't tied to my weight, and I've been this size for about five years, but I'm sick of being this large.

     It took me a year to fit into a size 22 comfortably. I'm going to try to be in a size 20 by spring. My ultimate goal (since 2000) has between to get back to a size 16. It would be nice to buy clothes that aren't plus-sized.
     It's the week where I eat the crap I have in the cupboard, but I get paid on Friday, and I have a new grocery list app on my phone. So now I write up a menu and shopping list that I can't forget. Emotional setbacks aside, I'm still moving forward. Just a little slower sometimes.

The self-loathing continues

     I'm disgusted with myself. When I was in high school, I lived at least a half hour from all of my friends. I didn't get to hang out like a normal teenager. Weekends were spent at home. I watched TV or read a book, and was happy. I lived on my own. When I didn't have a roommate, there were many times I'd go days without seeing anyone. I was sick in bed for a week without any outside communication, and didn't care. Now, I fall into a bottomless pit of despair if I go two days without having someone to hang out with.
     I was mad at myself for feeling lonely, so I didn't most of last week in a mass of rage. So this weekend, I decided to let myself actually be sad about it. That resulted in my crying for almost two hours. That merely resulted in me getting a massive headache. So I accepted an invitation to go out with Roomie C. I had a panic attack and made everyone leave early. (I won't believe they wanted to go too.)
     I hate this. I don't feel any better today. I've tried ignoring the sadness. I've tried cheering myself up. I tried embracing my emotions. I don't feel like myself yet. The longer this lasts, the manner the little voice in my head gets. People tell me things will get better in time, but when? In the meanwhile, my little voice is explaining that no one wants to be around me because I'm unpleasant and moody.
     Fuck that little voice! All it does of make things worse. I don't want to think about why people don't like me. I don't want to feel like I should push my friends away before they start to hate me. Something has to change soon.

I don't like it here

     I cried today. The first time in a long while. I hate this bottomless pit I've been trapped in for so long. I don't know what to do about it, or even what I want anymore.
     It feels like no one notices my suffering. When I see one of my friends is upset, I sometimes have to restrain myself from pestering them till they smile. But I feel like I have to hide from them. I don't want to turn up my music to hide the sound of me crying. I want someone to ask me what's wrong, to actually care about my answer, to let me cry on them.
     Of course, I don't dare seek someone out. I've put too much effort into being the one who will always be ok. But I haven't been that person for a long time. I allowed myself to believe my own lie, and I don't know how to function anymore.

All by myself

Do you ever fell alone in a crowd? Even when surrounded by the people you call friends? I feel that way all too often. I don't know why. There is just something inside me that won't let me believe that they really want to be around me. I don't know when this really started.
I never had a lot of friends growing up. When I joined any kind of club out group, I always found myselfon the fringes of everything. Nothing I could do would get me into the "inner circles." Even in adulthood, I've found a wonderful group of people, buy there is always that little voice inside that tells me they only tolerate me because of who I know, or that they only want something from me. It's a terrible feeling. It doesn't help that I had someone on my life that told me I was merely tolerated, and that these weren't really "my" friends. I've come to know differently, but it's hard to believe sometimes. That little voice just won't let me.
I don't like feeling so alone and emotionally isolated. I'm afraid to tell people when something is bothering me. I'm convinced that if I reveal how hurt and scared I am, the few friends I have will vanish. So I suffer in silence. I try to enjoy being around my social circle, but I know I'm holding large portions of myself hidden. I wear a mask that is confident and capable, when I am anything but.