A really bad time

I've mentioned my depression before. It really sucks sometimes. Like this weekend. It's a shame that I got so far in my life before I learned about self-care and how to better live with this unwelcome visitor.

I feel like I should have seen it coming sooner. When I look back over the last few weeks, I can see the signs. I've been extra forgetful, having trouble sleeping, violent in my anger at small things... But then I woke up on Saturday and it was like I had no feelings. It's like someone switched off my desire to enjoy things and replaced it with a desire to sleep forever. I spent much of that day staring disgustedly at the crochet in my hands, loathing it for not becoming what I wanted it to be. Watching Netflix hasn't been the haven it normally is, because all of the shows I normally watch while relaxing feel off and less pleasant than normal.

I hate this! The only positive I can see in this current flare up of ugliness is that I don't hate myself and I don't think I'd be better off among the not-living. While I'm exhausted and emotionally blank, I know that I am still deserving of love, and that has been a Very Hard Lesson to learn over the years. I know I'm not a failure even though I made major mistakes in the recent past. These are the kind of mistakes I make when I am not at my best, and nothing actually went wrong. Everything was able to be fixed and I just have to straighten myself out again.

In the meanwhile, I will continue to take care of myself. I will shower, even when I don't feel like it. I will eat at regular intervals, not constantly snack on junk food. I will try to keep my sleep schedule as normal as I can. I will work on crochet projects that behave so I can see something go right and start trying to feel better, even if it's only a little bit at a time.

It's been something of a trying week. But I'm keeping my hands busy and myself mostly out of trouble. Getting so super excited about my crochet is good for that.

I bought some new boots for the winter and made a worrying discovery about halfway through my work-day. The zipper on the right boot was rubbing on the inside of my ankle and was really starting to hurt. I did what any crafter with half a brain would do. I decided to make a new thing! So I crocheted my first pair of boot cuffs. Ignore the reflectiveness of my legs. I don't fare well in the sun.

I'm looking forward to having the chance to try socks or *gasp* a sweater! Someday...

Back into the swing

     I managed to find a new idea to get excited about, and have been creating personalized scarves for giftmas presents. It's nice to have a challenge that is completely self-imposed. And it can get challenging, creating my own patterns. But I'm finding interesting ways to make people's names fit inside a scarf without the scarf becoming too wide to be comfortable. I've gotten one finished. Now, I just need to get it washed and photographed.

A productive weekend

It has been so long since I felt good at the end of a weekend. But this has been a good one.

I finished another hat and a giftmas present today. AND I figured out that I can borrow roomie's styrofoam wig head to take pics of hats. I like the idea of being able to post pics without having to grab random friends to model.

For now, I'm going to dive back into my Netflix binge and work on my filet tablecloth. I still need to settle on what colors I want my lace wall-hangings to be for my next charity project.

Time to do a thing!

I LIVE!!!!!


But seriously. It's been a short eternity while I dealt with many life changes. And now it's time for the next challenge: selling my things. Above, you'll see a tab labelled "Tiger Tangles Pricing Guide" which is the genesis of my new business selling crocheted items. Please check it out and hopefully order something. I still have to get a complete Terms of Service in place, but one step at a time will get me where I need to be.
And I swear I'll post more often than once a year.

On how depression is like being drunk

    It amazes me how much depression has remained in my conversations while I'm (temporarily) in a state of relative emotional good health. But maybe that's a good thing. For the record, everything I'm going to say here is based on my own experience. It may help someone else or not. I'm an expert only at what I've lived through.
     I was at a bar this past weekend, talking to some friends, when what should enter the conversation but that one of them was celebrating that he'd recently crawled out of a longer-than-usual depressive funk. After congratulating him on making it through, I decided to show him one of my tricks I use when no one else is around to see what a state I'm in. That led to him asking the question that has lodged in my mind ever since. How can one help someone struggling with depression while being in that very same pit, themselves?
     Today, I came up with the perfect analogy. Helping a depressed person when you're depressed is kind of like two drunks trying to help each other stay standing. It's messy, and awkward, but somehow it still works out. For a while, at least. So here's what I do:
     I keep a folder of pictures in my phone. It's labelled as "Inspiration" and is full of images that have positive comments.

 They remind me in my worst moments that the bad moment I'm in won't last forever.

 They remind me that even though I may question it, I have people who care about me.

 They remind me that even though I'm feeling bad, I can be something good for someone else.

     Because I know that if I can just get through one more day, it'll get better eventually. Even when I'm at my worst, it often makes me feel just a little better to know that I've done something to help someone else.
     I have a best friend. I talk about her enough that I don't think I need to explain how awesome she is again. When I hit my absolute worst points, where I think I'm not worth anything, and don't deserve to have any friends, she manages to make me smile. Even if only for a few minutes. And that is enough to get me through one more day. And when she's in her bad places of a different variety, I do whatever I can. I listen, I commiserate. I make wild, insane plots of cartoonish violence that we will never actually attempt.
     And if I'm merely leaning on another depressed person, while it may not be pretty, eventually one of us will start to feel a little better. And no one has fallen down. Because we're holding each other up.

Just another weekend

     It's been pretty boring of late.
     I had a minor temper tantrum about work and I don't know what's going to happen with that in the coming days. But when I was reasonable in explaining my mood to my manager, he seemed to understand and is going to try to see what can be done about it.
     Yarn stuff is still happening, although I may have slowed down just a tiny bit. I'm hard at work on the Candy Corn Throw for BFF. I have 40 of 72 pieces started. Once I have all of the pieces done with one color stripe, I can begin with the second color. There is something so satisfying about having a portable project that I can work with anywhere. Since I haven't been doing washcloths this year, I forgot how good that can feel.

     I'm getting ready to head off to Biscuits Bingo soon with BFF and some other friends. For those who don't know, Biscuits Bingo is an annual bingo event to support the Animal Rescue League Shelter & Wildlife Center. It's probably one of my favorite fundraisers to attend every year.

     I wish there was more interesting stuff happening in my life to talk about. I feel bad that I rarely have anything worthwhile to say. I'm trying. Honestly!