Just my $0.02 on "religious" businesses

     I've been reading a lot of posts on Facebook about religiously affiliated businesses that are fighting the mandate to provide health insurance to all employees. They say it is because they don't believe in allowing employees access to contraceptives and the "morning after" pill. They have the right to believe whatever their religion teaches, but that does not give them the right to tell other businesses how to operate.
     I won't go into the government mandate. That is a separate conversation, that I'm STILL not sure what I think about. BUT, I know how I feel about access to oral contraceptive medication. There were several times in my life where my doctors put me on birth control, not to avoid pregnancy, but because I had other medical conditions that the hormones were necessary to control. I won't lie about enjoying the benefits of birth control a time or two, but there was also the time I had been trying to get pregnant, but my long-term health was more important to me than a chance of becoming a parent. I know there are other women who have to face this choice. Or, like another woman I know, know that pregnancy will likely mean a death sentence. Should they be forced to reject am important part of a committed, relationship when there are other options available?
     I don't think it's fair for these companies to attempt to dictate how their employees should live when they are not at work. This is one of the many reasons I will continue to choose not to spend my money with businesses who clam to be "Christian companies". I won't name who they are, because those who know which stores I mean don't need to be told. And while I don't care for these companies, I respect then enough not to speak poorly of them in a public forum.
     Thank you for listening to my rant. I just got a little frustrated when my Facebook feed was once again full of posts about this...again...

I don't know what's going on

     I don't know how I ended up where I am lately. I'm back into this ugly funk, where I feel like no one wants to be around me. I know this isn't really true. It's just... People around me have their own personal lives, and I'm still used to sometime who demanded I spend every minute with them. Last night, I had several bad dreams about people telling me to go away. They ranged from me being a child, and hearing "This is grown-up stuff, go play," to being myself and having friends point and laugh while I say in a corner away from everyone else.
     I just can't seem to shake this. Even though I know the truth is merely that I live on a different schedule from the rest of the world. But would it change if I could get off of night shift? I don't like these feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them anymore. And I don't know how to tell this to the people who are around me.
     All it took to set me off this time was a situation involving some friends, but not me. I was having a good time hanging out, until they needed to discuss their problem. I was very politely asked to give then the necessary privacy, but I still went from having social contact, to being trapped by myself again. A few minutes turned into the entire night and hours of bad dreams.
     Now it's early in the morning. Everyone else is doing their thing, such as sleeping. I'm watching TV and debating whether to go out for breakfast by myself

Now what?

     It's been a rough week for me. I had a close friend tell me an unpleasant truth. It took me a few days to smut that she was right. It's left me quite shaken.
     For a while, I've started feeling like I was losing control of my life. My natural inclination is to respond by trying to control as much of the world around me as I can. Unfortunately, this only resulted in my becoming a ragey, controlling bitch toward the people I live with. And none of them would tell me, because I do have a tendency to get angry very quickly. I don't want to be that person anymore than I want to be the emotional doormat I used to be.
     I guess it's time to re-evaluate what I'm feeling, and how it is affecting my actions. The problem with that is, I'm still in such a depressed funk that I an overreacting to everything. The worst of which being this continued feeling of isolation I can't seem to shake. I know the normal solution would be to get out of the house and be among people, but it just isn't that simple for me.
    I'm not going any further down this rabbithole... I'm going to go back to my knitting. It may not be a good as being around people, but at least I know I'll see the people I'm making gifts for, eventually...

What I did all week

     Realizing that I wanted to get a head-start on giftmas preens has been one if the better decisions I've made in quite a while. The near constant knitting is doing me more good than anything else lately. I see myself finishing projects with increasing speed, and gain so much pride out of seeing each completed object. Because I keep my hands busy, I've found I don't want to smoke as frequently.
     I took a break from knitting because I was looking for someplace to move after CNFH. Then I had to move and unpack. I got lazy, because I had a huge attack of perfectly good reasons why I couldn't knit. So I didn't even try.
     I'm trying to be a good girl and use up as much of my stash yarn as I can, for multiple reasons. I have two totes full of yarn that have no intended purpose. So far, I've managed to use up a few balls of yarn! More importantly, I'd managed to forget how pleasantly relaxing it is to just sit and talk our watch TV with my sticks clicking away, project quietly growing in my lap...
     This weekend, I made it to the yarn store to get yarn for some presents. I'm just starting on my gift fora certain dragon. I won't talk about it, because I know she reds this blog!
     I'd probably have more to say, but I'm going to get back to playing with my string!

Knitting machine

     So, I crossed the two-mile mark on my knitmeter. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I'm working on another scarf out of my stash yarn. Of the three I've finished, only two are actually intended for specific recipients. The pink "feather" scarf was just a fun idea to make, although I have no clue who is going to end up with it.
     Today's new project is a scarf out of the purple loopy yarn I got at the fabric fair this past spring. I had intended to make team scarves for the lupus walk, but they didn't work out the way I'd planned. It would take too much yarn to make one scarf, so I wouldn't have enough for a team. I'm sure this will find a home among someone on my gift list.
     My gift list... Ah, there's something I'll never learn to control. It started out with eight people on it. It's already almost doubled, and I know I'll find more people that I have to make presents for. And I'd be willing to bet that over half of them won't be planning to have gifts in exchange. It's not that I'm upset about that, it's just... I make gifts for people out of love, not greed. But there will always be a greedy child inside me who wants awesome presents back!
     Oh well... I'm writing this on the break room at work. I'm supposed to be knitting, not talking about it. I think I'll get back to what I told myself to do tonight.

A ray of hope

     This wallow in self-pity has to stop. So I'm going to post something positive.
     I own two pairs of jeans. One is lighter blue, and is very comfortable. I wear the heck out of this pair. The other is a darker indigo color. They look awesome, and I love that they aren't as baggy as most jeans in my size. But they're just a little snug, so I don't west them as often. But I wore my dark jeans to work last night, because I needed a change. And they fit!
     I don't know what words can describe how stupidly happy I was when I realized that my pants weren't pinching at my waist. I don't know what I'm doing to lose weight, but I hope I keep doing it! I know my value isn't tied to my weight, and I've been this size for about five years, but I'm sick of being this large.

     It took me a year to fit into a size 22 comfortably. I'm going to try to be in a size 20 by spring. My ultimate goal (since 2000) has between to get back to a size 16. It would be nice to buy clothes that aren't plus-sized.
     It's the week where I eat the crap I have in the cupboard, but I get paid on Friday, and I have a new grocery list app on my phone. So now I write up a menu and shopping list that I can't forget. Emotional setbacks aside, I'm still moving forward. Just a little slower sometimes.

The self-loathing continues

     I'm disgusted with myself. When I was in high school, I lived at least a half hour from all of my friends. I didn't get to hang out like a normal teenager. Weekends were spent at home. I watched TV or read a book, and was happy. I lived on my own. When I didn't have a roommate, there were many times I'd go days without seeing anyone. I was sick in bed for a week without any outside communication, and didn't care. Now, I fall into a bottomless pit of despair if I go two days without having someone to hang out with.
     I was mad at myself for feeling lonely, so I didn't most of last week in a mass of rage. So this weekend, I decided to let myself actually be sad about it. That resulted in my crying for almost two hours. That merely resulted in me getting a massive headache. So I accepted an invitation to go out with Roomie C. I had a panic attack and made everyone leave early. (I won't believe they wanted to go too.)
     I hate this. I don't feel any better today. I've tried ignoring the sadness. I've tried cheering myself up. I tried embracing my emotions. I don't feel like myself yet. The longer this lasts, the manner the little voice in my head gets. People tell me things will get better in time, but when? In the meanwhile, my little voice is explaining that no one wants to be around me because I'm unpleasant and moody.
     Fuck that little voice! All it does of make things worse. I don't want to think about why people don't like me. I don't want to feel like I should push my friends away before they start to hate me. Something has to change soon.